Same Disillusionment, Different State

If I think of myself as having moved to a Communist country I find I can better deal with the complaining people and the infinite layers of witless bureaucracy that I keep encountering in NY. If I just tell myself "pretend you are in Cuba trying to get your child registered for school." then I can reduce the desire to strangle the perpetually entitled, disgusted, impatient New Yorkers who I need to help complete my transactions. I see the irony of complaining about complainers, but that really does wear on me. Even weirder do I find the pride with which New Yorkers embrace their crankiness as an essential part of their identity. To me it's all pollution and wastefulness. That said, six weeks in: Kid is finally registered for school. (4 phone calls, 1 visit to Registrar; 3 visits to pediatrician and 5 phone calls to get the medical records needed for registration.) Car is finally registered. (3 visits to another county.) Dogs have their licenses. (2 visits.) Parking permit for railroad on bumper. (2 visits to Town Hall.) Progress to some degree. I was on a video conference yesterday with some Californians who asked how the transition was going. I knew they would understand when I explained that it was kind of hectic but I was trying to be like a lotus flower. Growing in mucky water, but not soiled by it. So I am working on living in New York without becoming a New Yorker. Wish me luck.

Everything Old Is New Again

New year, new house. That's how we roll in this family. Even though North Carolina is not our final resting place (I hope) it works for the meanwhile. I came to this realization after we were put on notice that my husband's boss would like him to be relocated to Dallas. Even though it would be as a result of a promotion, my heart dropped a little at the thought of another move, another pediatrician, a new circle to search for.

We are still unmoored here even after 2 years. We've made some acquaintances but our social life is just our tight little nuclear family. We expanded a bit with the addition of Charley, a 15lb cat - who looks just like a fuzzy bath mat when he lays down, which is 23 and a half hours a day.

I am still not employed the way I'd like. I haven't expanded my own consulting biz and it's been over a year since my last gig. I still do the regional coordinating for the education company and chase after our daughter when she's not at preschool.

For a long time I thought "this is what limbo is."

But I am beginning to see that Lennon was right and that life is what happens while you are making other plans.

My plans are narrow and at the same time huge: to correct my perceptions of myself and the future I am living into.

I am looking for any bit of change I can. Sort of like a new gardener going out and pulling on the new seedlings to make them grow faster.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Network Like Crazy

Having been mentally without traction in my job search for some time, I called my friend Lee to get some perspective. Lee and I have known each other for almost 10 years from when we worked together at an outplacement firm. He has an MBA plus another masters degree, more than a decade of executive recruiting experience and a very polished, articulate presentation.

He is also super disciplined. Lee has been in his own job search for over 7 months and in that time he has conducted 196 informational interviews with business leaders across the country. From 9 -6 every weekday he works on finding his next job. And, because he has a mortgage in the Bay Area, he has spent half of his retirement savings just staying afloat. The day I called happened to be the day that his unemployment ran out.

For all of those challenges, he still sounded upbeat and had his sense of humor about him. When I inquired how he had maintained his spirits he replied "beta-blockers." Turns out, all the same anxiety, sleeplessness and sense of futility I'd experienced he had experienced too.

While it helped to talk with someone walking the same path, it also scared me. I don't have the luxury of spending that kind of time on a search neither do I have the temperament. If someone with Lee's credentials and verve can't get traction, holy crap -- am I ever going to be reemployed?

I am up against not wanting to do the work I did when I was last salaried and unsure how to reposition myself in the marketplace. It's not enough to tell a potential employer "I just don't want to do HR." So I continue to spin my wheels and wonder if I should go get me some beta blockers too.

Giving Thanks

This morning I made a dash through the rain to the supermarket, Olivia in tow, for some last-minute Thanksgiving items. As I was hefting the grocery bags into the trunk and lifting Olivia out of the cart I heard a voice behind me saying "Happy Thanksgiving!"

I swiveled around to reply "Happy Thanksgiving" and saw a woman, somewhat serious expression on her face, standing by my elbow. She handed me a $20 bill then curtly said "God Bless You" and quickly marched into the store we'd just left.

Which made me wonder "Do I look indigent?" Apparently that's what driving a Corolla in South Park does for you, gets you the sympathy of strangers.

My Mom cooked all day and baked two pies for today's dinner. Aaron worked a 13 hour shift before dinner; we were fortunate to have him at the table at all. Everybody is healthy, we have a roof over our head, more than enough for thanks.

A few days ago I flew to NYC to see a reading of one of my Dad's plays. Much of the immediate family came in to the city as well to be in the audience. Also in attendance were two friends I hadn't seen in something like 20 years. One had survived cancer himself only to lose a son to it a short time later. The other has made a really nice life for herself and seems have it all. I was at a loss of how to sum up where things were at for me, how to cover 20 years in a few minutes.

Yet, with both, it didn't matter what I have been up to, only that I was there. Like with family we all just wanted to know that the other was intact and happy in some way. It was lovely and restorative to see my friends, my family, and remember that sometimes all it takes to find gratitude is showing up.

Now What

My dear and beautiful friend Maurine, who I've been friends with for 18 years, had a big birthday last month and the tribe held a birthday bash for her in California. I wasn't able to go so, to participate in spirit, Maurine sent me a blank scrapbook page to decorate of my own devising and return to her, as all the attendees had done.

Well what a project, let me tell you! I thought I knew exactly where my box of photos was, but after a hunt in the garage-- and the attic and a couple of closets-- I was stumped. Aaron finally found a large Tupperware bin of photos (In the garage! Where I'd already looked!) that he hauled out for me and I spent the better part of a day sorting through them.

First I sorted them into large categories "Family", "Foreign Travel", "River Trips", then into tighter categories. But what was really fun was throwing a bunch of pictures out. A whole wastebasket full of people I don't know anymore, people I don't like anymore, landscapes I didn't recognize.

And of course many, many pictures of Maurine, Jon, Lori, Rosemary, Carol, Susan and I. All of us (except Jon)wearing wedding dresses at a Palm Springs hotel, sequins and lime green prom gowns on a river trip, clown noses and wigs at a theatrical performance. We all look so young and yet somehow Maurine hasn't aged still, no wrinkles, all smiles.

I thought I would enjoy being reminded of people I hadn't thought of in a while, but what was most enjoyable was seeing who had endured, what I could still connect to. I have one photo album that has black-and-white pictures of my grandparents and parents through the years and then my brother and I. Switch to color in my early childhood. It made me really happy to think of adding my own kid to the album, an enduring thread.

Oh, and throughout the bin I found some great pictures of Maurine. One in particular that has to go in the scrapbook is of her from the back, leaning over into a raft in an unattractive orange swimsuit, with a big smear of mud on her rear end. Because as Oscar Wilde noted "good friends stab you in the front."

Old Friends

I got a lovely and unexpected gift this week from my friend Lori. I've known Lori for 20 years but she lives in LA so I don't get to see her that often. The other day I opened a very belated birthday card that contained a gift card, as well as copies of a bunch of e-mails that she and I had exchanged in 1997.

It was like looking at an old yearbook without having to cringe at the bad hairstyles. Instead there was a time capsule of us and I remembered that, at least in my 20s, I was really funny. I mean laugh out loud blow-milk-out-your-nose really really funny. Which of course made me wonder "When did I stop being funny?" but I don't know if it would be helpful to pinpoint.

What was helpful was getting the reminder that some friends stick around and think your wonderful even when it feels like you're boring and toxic. So now I have to go. I need to call my friend Lori and let her know how much I love her.

Autumn Leaves

We had a precipitous weather change in a week here. It went from mid 90's to mid 70's in 2 days. I am finding it easier to function now that it's cooler and it's really sweet being out on the bike now.

I spent 2 days last weekend doing some volunteer work at the local Y. I have really missed the hospital ministry I used to do in SF and was looking for some way to occupy myself and meet new people. I did 2 four-hour shifts helping out at a giant consignment sale that the Y holds twice a year. Didn't meet anyone particular but it was pleasant to be out of the house and contributing.

Turns out the timing was perfect. I had what looks to be a friendship-ending disagreement with the friend I did work for this summer over payment. As in, she doesn't want to pay me what she agreed to on the invoice I gave her in August. After lots of back-and-forth nothing was resolved.

At first I was really upset that yet another friendship was ending; the last few years have made me wonder if I am some sort of kryptonite. I used to think that an end of a relationship made room for another to enter, but I am just ending up with a lot of space in my friendship area.

Then, of course, I was upset with not being paid. I'd had that money earmarked and not receiving it put me into a tailspin for a few hours. So it was actually soothing to sort racks of clothing and haul items from sidewalk to building, mindless busy work. Plus, I cycled home in half my usual time!

This week I made some tentative peace with it. I don't really know what else to do. Keeping on with the things I can.