Keys

I had the realization recently that I have no keys to anything. I mean, I do have a car key but the car is in North Carolina and I am in CT. Gave back the keys to the apartment in CA and awaiting keys for the new place in Charlotte.

Aaron secured us a home over the weekend; the pictures look lovely. I am really curious as to what Charlotte will be like. I have spent relatively little time in the south and I wonder and worry whether I will fit in.

Haven't been able to imagine life there yet; it all seems a figment. Been researching child care centers and activities for Olivia (and me) to participate in. She is such a social creature I think she'll need to be involved with something soon. I am ready to be involved with something too, ready to throw off the chains of isolation and hesitation!

Homeward Bound?

Olivia and I have been in CT a week now and she is still asking for her father and her dog every few hours. I don't know what to tell her beyond "they are together and Daddy is finding us a new home." It seems an inadequate explanation but the best I can offer a two year-old.

Today I spent a good chunk of time reorganizing the boxes we sent ourselves from CA. They arrived in desperate shape: most of the boxes were split open at the corners and much of the contents were exposed and damaged. I brought two car loads of boxes to the storage locker to join our other possessions waiting for a permanent home.

Aaron is enjoying his time in North Carolina and had a good time driving cross-country with Sadie. I miss him and am ready to join him and start our life's next chapter. We've been in limbo so long that starting to build something substantive seems a bit dreamlike.

One thing I am clear about: more than anything else, what I want out of Charlotte is some good friends. I have managed to keep a few friends from wherever I have lived but that means I haven't had many friends really close by. We also haven't added any friends to our circle since we've been married and it would be nice to have friends that we've made together.

I have done a terrible job of contacting people since we left CA. Here I am bemoaning the want of friends and I am finding it so hard to stay in touch. I feel so distracted it's hard for me to be tuned in to more than my daughter's welfare. We woke up feeling under the weather today, Olivia's nose hasn't stopped running and it's chilly out. A day to stay tucked under the covers with a cup of tea and a book.

Charlotte is already quite warm now and my skin is craving the change. And then I'll be happy to be a lizard on a rock, soaking up the warmth and not moving.

Ciao Bella

We are out of here this evening. Things have been so weather vane-y that from Monday to Wednesday our departure estimate changed greatly.

Though I knew we were leaving imminently I had said to Aaron that I didn't want to leave before this Sunday. I had a long-scheduled lunch planned with a friend who I hadn't seen in a year and I just didn't think I could get us packed up by Saturday. Well, soon after I said that Aaron purchased a ticket for us to leave on a red-eye tonight, leaving us 2 days to pack up and ship all our belongings. I had to send a mass e-mail to say goodbye to all my Bay Area friends.

I am sadder than I'd expected. I had really hoped to have a chance to connect with my friends before we bugged out. I am looking forward to living in Charlotte but everything it has taken to bring it off has left me depleted.

Yesterday my friend Maurine came over for a few hours to help me out and visit with her goddaughter. What a lifesaver she was! I have been adding to my stress by being hard on myself for how poorly I have been handling it all. She reminded me that I have to put on my own oxygen mask before I can help others.

So we have taken Sadie to get her check-up, forwarded our mail, scrubbed behind the fridge and done all the other leaving town tasks. Aaron and I are like racing cars speeding by each other on the track occasionally. No time for he and I to visit and connect before we head to our separate points east.

Just after the superintendent had come by today to do the walk-through on our apartment Olivia shit on the carpet in the living room. And the hallway. And in her socks. I brought her into the bathroom and told her to not move while I found SOMETHING not already packed up to clean her with. Of course, she moved, and got herself even filthier and the just-cleaned bathroom dirty too.

I lost it. Had the stupidest angry reaction and my poor daughter just pulled her mouth down into a sad frown. I felt 2 inches tall. No oxygen mask in sight. Then after I had given her a bath and put diaper cream on her, but before I could get her diaper on, she exuberantly ran around the room and plopped herself on the clothes I'd just taken out of the dryer. White greasy diaper cream on everything.

I brought the basket of laundry back upstairs to the laundry room but forgot the money downstairs. Out-loud I kept repeating "Please, something needs to go right." Stormed back downstairs and nearly ran into one of our neighbors. He asked if I was OK and I said no. With a patient smile he graciously stopped to chat for a bit about our next chapter and wished me well with a goodbye hug. So a little of bit oxygen got through.

Forward is all we've got. Hopefully in the next few days I can wrap my head around Phase 2 of this move: getting our belongings from CT to Charlotte, then once there making connections and, please-oh-please, finding a job for myself. I need something for just me.

Now And Again

Without having relocation money in hand, without having Aaron's background check complete, we have started closing down our time in California.

We went to Easter Vigil last night, assuming it was our last time at our church -- at least for a long while. We went to eat at a great steak restaurant where they dote upon Olivia. We gave notice to our apartment management company and began boxing and cleaning the apartment on April Fool's Day, wondering if we weren't perhaps being fools.

On one hand we want to be proactive, on the other hand we don't want to be caught flat-footed in case something doesn't work out in the 11th hour.