Room With A View

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
T. S. Eliot

I have been trying to make sense of the persistent feelings of doubt and hesitation that have settled over me. I think it has something to do with the view. Literally.

The place where we are staying is downtown, a block off Market St and so near any number of places where I have worked over the years. I can look out of the living room window and see Charles Schwab, where I temped for ages after returning from Africa, and met my friends Jeremy and Maureen. Or Citibank, where I got my start in corporate training. Right below is The Palace Hotel where I used to go after work for Asian Martinis (sake instead of gin, ginger instead of an olive, divine!) Around the corner is the W Hotel, which in the Dot Com heyday was a hip watering hole.

Now it feels like a ghost town. Partly because, like all cities, the hip spots change and get defined by a new generation of people. Partly because I am in a job search and I have the edifices of old employers staring at me. And, with the economy in the dumps, the restaurants and bars are not stuffed to capacity. The Dolce Vita crowd are something of a palimpsest.

Olliepop Turned 1!

We can't quite wrap our heads around it, but our little girl turned one years old today. I took her to church this morning and Father Tom sang her Happy Birthday and instructed the congregation to make a big fuss over her, which they did.

It has been raining hard today so we had an indoor celebration. We gave Olivia a toy purse of her own, with toy keys, cellphone and coin purse for her to unpack instead of mine. We'll see if the diversion actually works. Yesterday we had gotten some fancy cupcakes and today we took them with us to Mel's diner, where the birthday girl got a red balloon from the staff. She again covered herself with chocolate frosting -- as any birthday celebrant worth their salt ought.

Our week of celebrating is over: Wedding, Valentine's Day, baptism, our wedding anniversary and Olivia's birthday. Tomorrow we return to the daily grind, but for today we bask in thankfulness for our daughter and her goofy smiling presence in our topsy-turvy lives.

Sleeeeep Little One, Sleep!

There are times when I marvel at the contortions I go through to avoid waking Olivia. Like just now. The no-nap monster finally went down for her first nap around 1:15. I'd walked her all over the neighborhood to get her to pass out. Parked her in her stroller in the kitchen fast asleep so that I could jump online and complete a job application that I knew would take 45 minutes or so. (State job, lengthy application.)

Around 3:15, she is thankfully still asleep but I haven't eaten today and I am ravenous. Kid is parked in the tiny kitchen between the fridge and the utensil drawer. I try to roll her out but she startles. I manage to get the peanut butter jar and loaf of bread without waking her, but when I reach for a butter knife she wakes up suddenly and looks at me accusingly. Busted! I actually RUN on tiptoe out of her sight and make a sandwich on the bed using a kleenex as a plate.

Peanut butter is all over the keyboard and I get kicked out of the job application website twice. The system also seriously messes with the formatting on my resume and supplemental questions responses. I want to explain to this potential employer "Do you have any idea of what I am going through just trying to even get my resume to you? My kid is going to WAKE UP any minute!"

Finally I capitulate and look up a place to buy Olivia's birthday cupcakes. It's Friday, it's late and another computer crash is going to send me over the edge.

Hillbilly No More

No, it's not the chi-chi borrowed apartment in SF's Museum District that we are staying in. It's not the purchase of Bittersweet's tiny $4 cup of spicy hot chocolate that tells me so. It's the $615 repair of the two black teeth. They are now shiny pearls and we only have the finances of hillbillies, if not the appearance.

Though, I have to say, when I walk around this area pushing Olivia in her stroller with Sadie in tow, people seem to think I am the nanny rather than the family's heart. Maybe it's the serviceable jeans and pony-tailed hair that makes me seem like not of this 'hood, I don't know.

I haven't been able to explore much as Sadie, the ADD High Anxiety dog, still cannot be left alone in the apartment. I have quickly learned all the downtown areas that are off-limits to dogs. (Anywhere with grass.) Nor can I leave her tied up to a parking meter -- as I used to be able to do -- to dash into a store. She barks her fool head off the whole time I am out of sight. "Nooooo! Don't leave me!"

We have to park our car in a garage that is 4 long midtown-length blocks away from the apartment. So if I go grocery shopping, as I did today, it's a schlep. I also had Olivia, her diaper bag and Sadie with me and the 3 bags of groceries. As I struggled out of the elevator garage, the very nice building doorman offered to help by sitting with Sadie while I dropped off Olivia and some bags with Aaron and trekked back for the second load. I arrived home with sore muscles and heel blisters. And, when I really looked at what I bought, not much for dinner.

Olivia is back to her wiggly, waving, giggly, exploring self. The fever has passed and I expect we will see some new teeth sprouted soon. Today I took her and Sadie to Ft Funston, a place that is very special to me, to let Sadie romp off-leash and sniff the salt air. It was sunny and 60 degrees, a nice change from the days of rain.

We are still feeling pulled in too many directions. We have a mondo To-Do list and little of it has been checked off. Yesterday was trashed after Aaron and I both spent a good part of the day trying to sort out our health/dental insurance once and for all. Hah, good one! It's still as messed up as ever. As a former HR person, I haven't the slightest clue why this has been so difficult to make right. There's nothing about it that is rocket science.

Most of current events news has passed me right by lately. I hear murmurs about the latest stimulus package but not enough to know if it will eventually help me land a decent job. It seems that it will halt the bleeding but won't bear any fruit for a long time. We don't have much time to find a safe port for our little ship.

Life's In A Full Court Press

We got to San Francisco on Thursday and have been headless chickens ever since.

Friday: threw our stuff into a borrowed apartment and had keys made for 2 other apartments we'd need to access. Had lunch with Jack, babysat his son Marco that night.

Saturday: dropped Sadie off across town prior to wedding downtown. Dropped Olivia off for babysitting by Jack & Patrice in a third, and inconvenient, part of town.

That night, dressed up in our glad rags, attended the really lovely, moving and fun wedding of John & Keith in the penthouse of the Fairmont Hotel in Nob Hill. Back to Jack & Patrice's to pick up kid. Crash in Cole Valley where we have warehoused the not-to-be-left-alone Sadie at a friend's house.

Sunday: walk Sadie and her buddy Rio in some really godawful rain. Olivia wakes up with a sticky, wet cough and runny eyes and nose in time for her christening at 1PM. Drive south of the city to Brisbane to pick up Mike, Olivia's new and dear godfather. Baptism by Father Tom, who had married us in the same church 2 years ago, was terrific. Got to use the Holy Water we had purchased on our honeymoon in Jordan. Lunch afterwards at the Beach Chalet.

That night Olivia wakes up every 10 or so minutes thrashing and in tears. Her hands and feet burning, her face splotched red. Strip her down to her diaper, pat her with cold cloths and rock her all night.

Monday: realize it is a holiday and we have no obligations. Have lunch with LA-living Jon, who is still in town from the baptism. Finally buy a proper raincoat since apparently this wet weather is not letting up. Return to downtown borrowed apartment. Olivia has duplicate unrestful, miserable night.

Today: 2 year wedding anniversary! Aaron staggers the 30 miles north to work in Petaluma. We are so tired and behind on everything we vacillate between doing nothing and celebrating somehow. Olivia was still sick and feverish all day and I was not sure whether we should go out or not. But we went to a favorite Vietnamese restaurant and then shopped for much-needed groceries on the way home. After some Tylenol, Olivia noticeably improved. I don't know if there is anything more heart-rending than your kid being sick. Hopefully tomorrow brings an uptick in our collective circumstance. Aaron brought me a lovely bunch of flowers this evening and we exchanged cards, marvelling at all the life events that have been squeezed into the span of our marriage.

We are trying to move our little ship forward and feeling as though we are in a whirlwind. At different points in the last few days both Aaron and I have confessed to feeling overwhelmed. And yet there doesn't seem to be anything that we can slack on -- it all has to get done and done now: keep Olivia alive another day, keep Sadie from decompensating, find a place to live, find work, get the goddamned health insurance sorted out once and for all, stay connected to each other when we are both exhausted and overwhelmed.

I know earlier generations confronted this circumstance and got through it, and that countless immigrants live our experience every day, yet I am confounded as to how to navigate all the pressing have-tos without succoming to hopelessness or bitterness. I find I am angry often and forgetful, neither of which are characteristic of me.

My Auntie Donna called today to wish us a Happy Anniversary and I was so happy to hear from the CT clan. There was already too much to communicate.

Wild West

It was interesting to note in our drive from El Paso to Phoenix yesterday, the cultural shift that occurred somewhere during New Mexico. The politeness stopped, as did the friendliness and biscuits with gravy. We weren't in the south anymore, we were in the west, with bad drivers and heavy traffic and strip malls wherever you look.

During the drive across Highway 10 there were occasional signs that said "Dust Storms May Exist Next 15 Miles." We kept giggling that someone should put a sign next to it that said "BELIEVE." Very X-Files. There was a gorgeous sunset that night along with a big fat moon that lit up the desert.

As we passed the New Mexico border we had to stop at Border Patrol. I had gone through this kind of check point at other times in CA, when I had driven across country before, and knew that you were not allowed to bring any fruit or plants into the state. As we pulled up to the patrolman I rolled down the window and was about to tell him that we weren't transporting any fruit. Turns out he wanted to know if we were US citizens! Whoops. And no, sir we aren't transporting any illegal aliens either.

We arrived in Corona, CA last night and stayed at our good friend Jon's house. We got in at a decent hour so we could actually visit and have dinner with him. We were so tired I don't know that we were very good company, but we were happy to veg on his couch and watch Family Guy. He has some pictures of Olivia on his fridge from a few months ago and it was amazing to see how much she has changed.

Olivia got to sleep on a water bed, her first, and seemed to sleep sounder than usual. I wondered if it was like being back in the womb for her: "Oh, I recognize this!"

Sadie finished a bag of trail mix last night, along with some corn nuts, and the remainder of an apple bran muffin today. At least her diet has variety to it.

Twice today Brigit directed us to non-existent shops. She had recovered herself in Texas and seemed to be doing OK, but we are worried about her again. She seems to be a bit of a hothouse flower.

Today we drove to Long Beach and had lunch with our friend Rosemary. She had recently had hip replacement surgery and is unable to attend Olivia's christening this weekend as she'd hoped. She did a lovely non-denominational blessing for Olivia and gave her a sweet necklace and will certainly be with us in spirit on Sunday.

It took us 2 and 1/2 hours to get through LA with the traffic. We are finally headed to SF now and won't be getting in until very late tonight. We look forward to unpacking the car one last time for a good while.

You Can't Go Home Again

We sort of did by coming to El Paso, where Aaron grew up. Aaron has been amazed at all of the changes to his home town since he was here last around 2002. We stayed with Scott, who we hadn't seen since our wedding, so it was great to catch up a bit with him. Another wonderfully gracious host. I am once again reminded and thankful for all of the helping hands we have had along the way.

Today was a visit with Randy and his first time meeting his grandaughter. He got a kick out of how much Olivia was like her Dad. She was her typical social, happy self. She got to try gorditas and sopapillas at lunch.

If there was any upside to Aaron losing his Blackberry it's that we replaced it, and got a second one for me, for a total of $100! Yehaa! Aaron had researched all of the promotions and discounts to get such deal before we even went to the store. So we have new toys to occupy us with for the drive through Arizona.

People keep asking us if we are excited to be going back to the Bay Area and the truth is: not so far. Maybe it will happen still, but I am not yet going TO anything job-wise, just possibilty. We hope.

Greetings From Nowhere

I kid you not. We are en route to El Paso, half way there which currently is about 250 miles away. Lose service every few minutes, nothing to look at but mesa and scrub. Fierce wind. Unlovely land.

What was lovely was our visit in San Antonio with Aaron's family. They all doted on Olivia and Sadie and were gracious hosts to us all. The Lees have two dogs of their own that Sadie befriended. Sadie is becoming sausage-shaped after snarfling down a couple of bowls of the other dog’s food; she really is shameless.

Olivia spent yesterday with the family while Aaron and I went to get the windshield replaced and then visited the Alamo and the downtown Riverwalk. I was especially gratified to visit the Alamo. It wasn’t what I expected at all; I didn’t expect it to be in a crowded downtown area, but it was still really interesting. Olivia wore herself out entertaining the troops and playing with the dogs. By the time we got back to the house she was in a no-nap meltdown.

Aaron lost his Blackberry on Friday and his cellphone had died before the trip, so we are going to have to make a pit stop at Verizon when we get to El Paso.

BBQ update: we had lunch today in Junction (after passing through the towns of Welfare and Comfort.) It was good, however the sauce was weird: runny and tomato-y and the ribs were underdone to my liking. The baked beans were really good though, not sweet at all. I think after today we switch to Mexican food. Bodacious BBQ was the winner in our tasting contest.

We need to make good time after this if we are to be in SF by Thursday. We just learned that Flagstaff had a big dump of snow so we are going to have to look again at our route tonight beyond El Paso.

78 Degrees and Climbing

Sadie stalked and killed a chocolate cream pie this morning in Dallas. We had stopped last night in Tyler, TX at Bodacious Barbecue (so far, the best we've had)and had boxed up a piece of pie to have later. Of course the temptation was too great for her and she left nothing but a styrofoam container.

We stayed with our friends Shawn and Nancy in Dallas and, like all our visits, it was much too short. Olivia had had a late nap just before we arrived so she was in fine form and didn't go to bed until way late -- and well past her Mom's bedtime.

We are almost in San Antonio where we will meet up with Aaron's family for dinner. This is Olivia's (and my) first meeting with this part of the clan and we are all looking forward to it.

We had hoped to stop in Austin on the way but after spending an hour and a half in Austin traffic we had to press on. Oh well. Another place like Tennessee that I'll have to come back to see.

We woke up this morning to find our windshield cracked and so have made arrangements to get it replaced tomorrow. There were two prior chips in the glass that have bugged me for years, so I am kind of glad for the crack forcing a replacement.

It's been in the 70's the last two days, a huge change for us. it makes it easier to relax when it's warm. It's been really windy as well which makes Olivia laugh when the breeze ruffles her hair.

Too Long in Tuscaloosa

We fear that Brigit, our increasingly erratic GPS, has suffered some sort of stroke. We started noticing in Virginia that she was pronouncing the abbreviation "Dr", for "Drive", instead as "doctor" as in: "Turn left on Airway Doctor 95."

Then yesterday in Georgia she began phonetic pronunciations of some routes. For the longest time we were confounded by a particular road we were on that she kept pronouncing as "gatenbull". I thought at first I was hearing "gateau bull" which made a sort of cryptic sense. Bull cake anyone? Turns out she was saying GA-10-Bl. As in Georgia route 10 boulevard. Well why didn't you just say so!

Last night in Tuscaloosa she just came undone. We were searching for dinner options and plugged in a BBQ search. She found about 8 nearby options and we selected the closest one. Turned out to be a Mexican restaurant. Tried the second one which turned out to be a converted barn in a rural residential neighborhood -- and was also closed. Third selection was open but was a cinder block cell in a dirt patch and was no longer a BBQ place.

We gave up and braved the crazy traffic jam in downtown Tuscaloosa (WTF? In Tuscaloosa?) and had a surprisingly good Chinese meal in a place with all the ambiance of a urinal. Sadie was so unnerved by this point that she WOULD NOT EAT her dinner. We waved goodbye to Alabama and drove on into the night.

Later that evening we passed Chunky, MS. I am not making it up, it's on Route 20. Then after a few hours of us getting testy with each other we stopped in Jackson, MS. More snarking at each other as we unpacked the car. Sadie refused at first to enter the lobby or the elevator. Her whole world is disrupted. I awoke this morning with a fever and a terrible sore throat and, at last, an excuse for my previous crankiness. I am actually in a decent frame of mind today, I just want to lie in bed and watch cartoons. Olivia is tearing up the open suitcases and admiring herself in the full-length mirror. Aaron is showering in preparation for repacking the car. Today we push on to Dallas.

Radio-Free Georgia

Georgia seems to have messed with Brigit, our GPS. Just as we were nearing the NC/GA border she started reeling off instructions and street names. "Turn left on Tugaloo. Turn right on Marion" in her crisp English diction. The streets she was naming had nothing to do with what we were passing. She kept recalculating and insisting on new directions every few seconds. Finally we just had to reset the poor girl, have her put her dogs up for a few. We were wondering if perhaps she is union and is supposed to have regular breaks.

Sadie The Thieving Dog

Heading out of Athens, GA we passed a Waffle House with a horse contentedly munching on grass in the parking lot. We are not in CT anymore...

Sadie, though on anti-anxiety medication, is still showing signs of stress. While we would like to chalk up her thieving to stress relief, we know better. She is a shameless scavenger of anything remotely food-like. This trip has been quite the bonanza for her. So far: one bag of Cheerios outside of Harrisburg, PA; one box of leftover brisket & BBQ ribs in Roanoke, VA; one blueberry muffin in Greenwood, SC. She's like the canine version of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations as she eats her way across the country.

Speaking of BBQ, we have had two opportunities to compare. The aforementioned Roanoke meal and a North Carolina version. Much preferred the NC BBQ. While the actual BBG was pretty good in VA, EVERYthing served with it was too sweet: the cornbread (with honey butter,) baked beans and iced tea and cole slaw were all wicked sweet. Half way through the meal we were practically in a diabetic coma.

The NC BBQ was vinegar-based. While they didn't serve cornbread at this particular establishment, they did have hushpuppies. Yum!

Last night we stayed with Chris, a friend of Aaron's from his high school job in Asheville. Chris is allergic to dogs but he gallantly allowed Sadie to bed down in his stairwell rather than have her sleep in the car when it was 22 degrees. She was of course a nutcase and scratched at the door all night. Olivia had her first really fretful night in recent memory, finally splaying herself on her back across Aaron's head and chest. Fortunately my husband can sleep on a picket fence and so her thrashing didn't disturb him much.

Hitching Up The Wagon

"Out on the road, out on the road.
You're Willy Lowman, and you're Tom Jode.
Vladimir and Estragon, Kerouac, Ghengis Khan.
Out on the road, out on the road.
'Keep on going' is your creed and code.
It's a different way of life, it's a whole other mode.
Living out on the road."
- Loudon Wainwright

Welcome to Dust Bowl 2009, the account of one family's attempt to find sustained employment and keep the family intact.

Yesterday we packed up our life in CT. While shutting the door to the apartment we hated we intoned "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee." Hoping to contain the bad juju. Then loaded up the car with kid, dog and pc components and headed out. The ultimate destination is the Bay Area, but we are headed to South Carolina to see a friend, then on to Texas and Arizona to see family first.

In keeping with the Clampett-like quality of this trek, two days ago one of my eyeteeth turned black. Just like that. I called my dentist today while driving through Maryland and she said it is probable that the tooth is dying, but I prefer to think it is some exquisite hillbilly verisimilitude at work.

Olivia and Sadie have been real troupers. Sadie is an old hand at car rides, having commuted with me for 3 years. Olivia, however, just started walking last week and is generally a wiggle-butt, so being constrained is harder on her. She does charm the folks at each of our stops though. At a Dunkin' Donuts in New Jersey (because really, where else are you going to stop in Jersey?) a woman made a big fuss over Olivia, taken by her smiling and waving like some parade float queen. "Wow, she's cute and charming and smart -- she's got the whole package. You got a real pisser there." We try to look modest.

In concession to my much-anticipated route through Tennessee being cut from our itinerary due to bad weather, (I had wanted to see the Grand Old Opry) we are going to compare and contrast BBQ through the south. Cornbread is good for the soul and we can use a break from the last 6 fast food meals.

We hope to get a little past Roanoke tonight and then on to Greenwood, South Carolina tomorrow. We are going to catch up with an old friend of Aaron's who he hasn't seen in about 8 years. Then Texas here we come!