No Synonym For Bittersweet

2009 was a roller-coaster year and this last week or so was no different. We went home to CT for Xmas: despite all the hyped foul weather predictions, the trip went smoothly with no delays. It was a healing visit. Olivia and I hadn't seen my family since August; Aaron since February. We got to marinate in the family soup and feel supported by it.

Olivia has changed a lot in the interval. Her hair is long and she's taller. She's at a stage where she can be shy in new situations, which is at odds with what people know of her happy, outgoing disposition. She had a great time with adoring relatives of all stripes, 3 friendly dogs and a grandparent's home filled with toys. Got to romp in snow, race around with cousins, and make unreasonable toddler demands that were usually accommodated.

Xmas day Olivia got more presents than she literally knew what to do with. We had to space out the gift opening over a few days to allow her to focus a bit. Aaron and I were humbled and heartened by the love that was showered on our little girl from all directions.

I was thinking that, in my whole childhood, I can only remember 2 gifts of the many that I got at all the Christmases. I have happy memories instead of my family joking and laughing, running around with all the cousins, all the foods and decorations. How lucky I was to have that circle of light. How lucky we all were really.

Aaron and I were both under the weather for the whole trip and couldn't get out of second gear. It filled our tanks to just hang out on various couches. We had vague plans to catch up with some friends, but couldn't muster the wherewithal. We got to go to a matinee, which is a treat for us, but other than that we stayed close to home.

After all the joyous celebrating, the day before we left, Aaron got a call from work. He was told the project he is working on is suspended and he cannot bill any more hours until further notice. And that about encapsulates this last year for us. Financial precariousness side by side with familial support. Wish the first part of that sentence were different. Suppose if it were we wouldn't so fully understand the second part.

Best wishes for a new year filled with love and light.

Pajama Party

After my last post I was sleepless trying to sort out how to conjure a sense of peacefulness. And then yesterday Olivia was delightful: silly and charming, sweet and loving -- the entire day.

Then last night Olivia, Sadie and I went down the peninsula to my friend Maurine's house. She had two other dear girlfriends over with their kids. And we just had a big slumber party: 5 adults, 4 kids, 3 dogs. Maurine cooked us a wonderful meal, the kids ran amok, the dogs scavenged for dropped morsels and we all got to catch up with each other.

This morning Maurine's husband Dan made us a pancake breakfast and then I picked up Aaron at the airport. He had slept on the plane from Tokyo so he was surprisingly rested. Olivia ran to him and after he swooped her up she stayed hugging him for a good 15 minutes. My heart swelled.

I feel as though my cup got replenished. It is wonderful to have Aaron back. I missed him and I missed us. We've been so caught up in the multitude of anxieties we lost our humor and connection. Tonight our pack hunkered down in the living room while the rain bucketed for the second straight day. We just sat on the couch and ate Indian food while watching TV. And everything was just right.

So much for insight

It doesn't matter what I know, or what I want, because it doesn't seem to inform my behavior. Today I lost it all over Olivia, just screamed at her until I was hoarse, and hated myself at the time and afterward. Then a few moments later I yelled at her again, and again moments later, almost without interval until I finally locked her in her room so I could do laundry on the third floor and put myself in a time out.

I don't know what's more stupid -- yelling at a toddler or trying to reason with her. Neither works; she does what she does, and I react as I do, and some days I have patience and this week I don't. I haven't slept more than 3 hours at a stretch in months and my whole body hurts all the time.

This whole week she hasn't napped more than 15 minutes. The two hour midday nap is when I can count on getting stuff done. And none of it happened. I didn't get to the consulting work I needed, I didn't get to a lot of errands, and the house is so messy I get no pleasure from being inside it.

I made a point of setting up visits with friends this week while Aaron is away and I have use of the car. I knew I would need grown-up interaction. As much as I did enjoy seeing 3 different girlfriends who I haven't seen in ages, I feel like I paid mightily for it. In trying to work around Olivia's nap time, I ended up encroaching on it. So, instead of sleeping at home, she cat napped in the car and walked in the door ready to tear the place up.

Whether it's because Aaron is away or because the house is not peaceful, Sadie came to pieces this week. Every time we tried to leave the house without her she would start to tremble so hard she could hardly stand. Then after I shut the door she would howl to the rafters. Since I don't want to get kicked out of our apartment, I ended up taking her with us all week and letting her howl in the car. Finally, yesterday I called the vet and we upped Sadie's anti-anxiety medication, which hopefully will take effect in a few days. Until then I guess we are just Crazy House.

Whatever the salve is for this state, I have no idea what it is.

Calm Assertive

I have been corresponding with a friend of mine about the Dog Whisperer and his mantra of having calm/assertive energy at all times when interacting with your dog. I am convinced that he is going to be the next business management guru because I see the practical application of it in all aspects of life. My friend and I agree that there is a lot of direct application to raising children.

It's funny that I've been having this conversation recently because the past three days this calm/assertive theme has been right in my face. Aaron is in Japan this week, so I have been single momming it. Twice a day Olivia and I walk Sadie and it has been really stressful. I can't contain either one of them and I spend all my time trying to keep Olivia out of traffic and Sadie from eating cat poop.

When Sadie was a puppy I used the extend-able leash, but with the kid and a stroller, that didn't work so we switched to a regular leash. And it's a mess. Sadie is switching sides all the time, stopping every few seconds to sniff. It's gotten to the point where Olivia yells "Come!" every few moments because she's seen me do it so often. I feel like I need to push "reset" and start all over with training the both of us.

Then Friday after I'd dropped Aaron off at the airport, Olivia took a bad fall off a chair and I wrenched my back trying to catch her. Failed, she fell on her head and I had back spasms that day and night. Then had my purse stolen. So as I was retracing my steps, calling security, the police, etc. every time I lifted Olivia into the car seat, shooting pains. Forget calm assertive. I was a wreck, Olivia was a wild child and I couldn't compose myself enough to alter course. I could see in the moment how everything was getting escalated to a fever pitch but I couldn't back it down. If I canceled all my (joint) credit cards, ATM, etc I was afraid I'd be leaving Aaron stuck in Tokyo without access to cash.

In the midst of this, a box of sea-salt caramels that I had ordered arrived and I just self-medicated on sugar. Ugh.

I hate the yelling. Aaron and I don't ever yell at each other. But I yell at Olivia often and I can't stand it. Here I am again, I'm that mother. The one you see in the supermarket parking lot, dragging the kid by one arm and scolding her all the way.

I am really feeling the loss of protected time. And I keep wondering -- how do all these other women manage it? Generations of women before me and around me raise kids without going to pieces. Not that I expected it to be a cakewalk, but this just isn't sustainable. Thank goodness my dog forgives me immediately and my daughter a few minutes after that, but there has to be a path out of this stress.

Lucky

I am not walking under any ladders, but I can see some light dawning finally. Aaron is happy with his job and left today for a trip to Tokyo. I wasn't really clear until this week of the extent to which my happiness is bound up with his. I don't know if that's a by-product of marriage or if it's even healthy, but there you go.

I have a tiny bit left to do on this consulting project and it's been a shot in the arm to be capable at something. All I am doing is vetting potential vendors for this client, but still, I know what I am talking about and that is a boost for me.

Olivia has begun showing signs of Terrible Two-ness. Getting her into clothes each day is a full-pitched battle. Flailing and crying from her, frustration and muttered curses from me. If I try to get her to do something she doesn't want to, she'll close her eyes and pretend she's asleep. She might be in mid-twirl atop the couch, but then she's "napping".

At the same time, she's also become really affectionate. I'll be doing chores and I'll feel a soft paw on my back where she is rubbing me or she'll come running over for hugs and kisses apropos of nothing. So we figured we'll keep her.