It's been a quiet week. The last two days the family has been sleeping a lot so our activity has been minimal.
Aaron is worried about his job, which surprised me. There is an awful lot of ambiguity on his project and the overall project heads keep changing, so everyone is acting hinky. I told him to just keep his head down and make sure that his work is up to snuff; cold comfort.
I have been working on a little consulting project. Just as I thought I was wrapping it up it went south. So much so, that in following it I found Shackelton's whiskey. What caused it to go south is out of my direct control but I am tasked with cleaning it up and getting it back on track. Now it's the project that won't die and I am trying to finish it and resuscitate my professional reputation. Except the last two days all I've done is sleep.
It's rainy and cold here and no one wants to walk the dog. Poor girl goes from family member to family member and pleads until someone's guilt gets the better of them.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
A Dead End Street's Just A Place To Turn Around
I learned a long time ago that sadness in women is often anger turned inward. I was aware of a hard coin of resentment in the back of my throat for a few days, but I was unprepared for a wave of sadness that broke today.
For a few weeks I have been working on a tiny consulting project for an investment bank. They've been really cool about me doing it all from home and working around Olivia's nap schedule -- which means my progress moves in fits and starts. Last week I had a deadline to wrap up the project, for which I needed the assistance of an external vendor.
This vendor didn't share my sense of urgency. Didn't return my many calls and emails for 3 days. Deadline missed. CFO at client unhappy. Me, trying to make it better, offered to cut my rate. Client accepted. Wait - huh? How'd I get here?
In the last two weeks I'd missed two days of protected time when Olivia didn't nap at all, and another 3 days taking her to doctor's appointments. I'd been on conference calls with Sesame Street blaring in the background and Olivia crying for a bottle or demanding for me to color with her. One night when I couldn't sleep I'd worked from 11PM to 3AM when the house was quiet and I could concentrate.
On the days when Aaron and I were both at home and trying to work, if there were too many distractions Aaron simply left the house. He'd work or study from a coffee house while I watched the kid and made dinner and tried to finish up this project. And somewhere in all that juggling I got really angry. I don't get to just pick up my laptop and go somewhere quiet when I need to knock out my work. I have to fit it in around everyone else's schedule.
There's prep to getting that 2 - 3 hours of nap-time out of Olivia. We bike to play group, or go to the park, or take Sadie out for walks, so that midday Miss O is tired enough to go down. Otherwise it's a 20 minute catnap and a miserable dinnertime with Olivia decompensating.
I don't know how we got to this circumstance where the default presumption is that I am on kid duty unless I am asleep. It's nothing we ever came to a negotiation about. But I know that the outcome of it is that I regarded my work as less important. Even though my total hours are small, my hourly rate is twice Aaron's. But I tried to implement this project using fractured little bits of time after I'd made dinner and the dishes were put away. After Olivia had her bath and I'd read her a few books. After I shopped for groceries before the store closed because I only have use of the car at night.
It's not as if Aaron has free time. He's commuting in heavy traffic 50 miles each way to work, spending long hours there and then has schoolwork to do. A family to visit with. A dog to walk. And all of this on broken sleep with Olivia getting up 2 -3 times a night lately.
And then after I'd spent two weeks squeezing in pockets of work here and there, three days trying to get this vendor to respond, and another 2 hours this afternoon working with the vendor fixing the issues, in a fit of self-doubt I discounted my work. Gave away money, money that we really need, to try to make it up to the client somehow for this stupid vendor's non-responsiveness. Now I know why I feel so regularly marginalized. I put myself there. I really have lost the plot. Haven't any idea how to get myself back.
For a few weeks I have been working on a tiny consulting project for an investment bank. They've been really cool about me doing it all from home and working around Olivia's nap schedule -- which means my progress moves in fits and starts. Last week I had a deadline to wrap up the project, for which I needed the assistance of an external vendor.
This vendor didn't share my sense of urgency. Didn't return my many calls and emails for 3 days. Deadline missed. CFO at client unhappy. Me, trying to make it better, offered to cut my rate. Client accepted. Wait - huh? How'd I get here?
In the last two weeks I'd missed two days of protected time when Olivia didn't nap at all, and another 3 days taking her to doctor's appointments. I'd been on conference calls with Sesame Street blaring in the background and Olivia crying for a bottle or demanding for me to color with her. One night when I couldn't sleep I'd worked from 11PM to 3AM when the house was quiet and I could concentrate.
On the days when Aaron and I were both at home and trying to work, if there were too many distractions Aaron simply left the house. He'd work or study from a coffee house while I watched the kid and made dinner and tried to finish up this project. And somewhere in all that juggling I got really angry. I don't get to just pick up my laptop and go somewhere quiet when I need to knock out my work. I have to fit it in around everyone else's schedule.
There's prep to getting that 2 - 3 hours of nap-time out of Olivia. We bike to play group, or go to the park, or take Sadie out for walks, so that midday Miss O is tired enough to go down. Otherwise it's a 20 minute catnap and a miserable dinnertime with Olivia decompensating.
I don't know how we got to this circumstance where the default presumption is that I am on kid duty unless I am asleep. It's nothing we ever came to a negotiation about. But I know that the outcome of it is that I regarded my work as less important. Even though my total hours are small, my hourly rate is twice Aaron's. But I tried to implement this project using fractured little bits of time after I'd made dinner and the dishes were put away. After Olivia had her bath and I'd read her a few books. After I shopped for groceries before the store closed because I only have use of the car at night.
It's not as if Aaron has free time. He's commuting in heavy traffic 50 miles each way to work, spending long hours there and then has schoolwork to do. A family to visit with. A dog to walk. And all of this on broken sleep with Olivia getting up 2 -3 times a night lately.
And then after I'd spent two weeks squeezing in pockets of work here and there, three days trying to get this vendor to respond, and another 2 hours this afternoon working with the vendor fixing the issues, in a fit of self-doubt I discounted my work. Gave away money, money that we really need, to try to make it up to the client somehow for this stupid vendor's non-responsiveness. Now I know why I feel so regularly marginalized. I put myself there. I really have lost the plot. Haven't any idea how to get myself back.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Dragon Days
We had Aaron home for a few days last week after the Bay Bridge closed. He works about 50 miles south of here and the closing of the bridge forced tons of traffic to re-route the way he goes to work. So he was working from home Thursday and Friday last week.
It was nice that it worked out because Aaron was able to come to the Halloween party at Olivia's play group. After last year's pumpkin patch debacle with Olivia in tears in a pumpkin suit, we decided this Halloween would be low-key. We bought her a dragon costume a few weeks ago and hung it where she could see it and get used to it. Her reaction was only slightly better than last year.
The play group folks had decorated the room, had a face painter and animal balloon maker and lots of yummy treats. Olivia seemed a bit perplexed by seeing kids she knew in costumes. She hated her dragon costume's hood and began to melt down during the sing-along, so we ended up leaving early.
Apparently it's just not our holiday. On the actual day we gave out candy to the few trick or treaters who came by (some started at 10:30 AM)then took down the door decorations around 8PM to settle in for the night.
Only to be blasted by the fire alarm a few minutes later.
Because we live in a ghetto-ish apartment complex, the fire alarms go off all the time. This was the second time this week. It is shatteringly loud and also sends a vibration through your chest cavity that is really uncomfortable. As you can imagine, you are incented to leave quickly. Usually I stand on the patio with Olivia and Sadie and wait for the fire department to come and shut the alarm off, a process that takes about a half hour.
But it was cold on Halloween night and Olivia was wide awake, what with all the noise and rushing around. Instead we took the whole family to a diner and waited for the hubbub to die down back at our apartment complex. No more tricks please.
It was nice that it worked out because Aaron was able to come to the Halloween party at Olivia's play group. After last year's pumpkin patch debacle with Olivia in tears in a pumpkin suit, we decided this Halloween would be low-key. We bought her a dragon costume a few weeks ago and hung it where she could see it and get used to it. Her reaction was only slightly better than last year.
The play group folks had decorated the room, had a face painter and animal balloon maker and lots of yummy treats. Olivia seemed a bit perplexed by seeing kids she knew in costumes. She hated her dragon costume's hood and began to melt down during the sing-along, so we ended up leaving early.
Apparently it's just not our holiday. On the actual day we gave out candy to the few trick or treaters who came by (some started at 10:30 AM)then took down the door decorations around 8PM to settle in for the night.
Only to be blasted by the fire alarm a few minutes later.
Because we live in a ghetto-ish apartment complex, the fire alarms go off all the time. This was the second time this week. It is shatteringly loud and also sends a vibration through your chest cavity that is really uncomfortable. As you can imagine, you are incented to leave quickly. Usually I stand on the patio with Olivia and Sadie and wait for the fire department to come and shut the alarm off, a process that takes about a half hour.
But it was cold on Halloween night and Olivia was wide awake, what with all the noise and rushing around. Instead we took the whole family to a diner and waited for the hubbub to die down back at our apartment complex. No more tricks please.
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