Been thinking a lot lately about the difference between optimism and magical thinking. Or if there even is a difference. You need optimism to move forward and yet when is the positive self-talk just self-delusion? After more than 2 years of quasi-employment, when am I committing something like fraud when I claim I would be a valuable addition to an organization? Is my opinion more important or is an employer's? Is the whole concept of worth just one big fiction? Are there skills and experiences that have innate worth or is it all just a matter of market forces?
I had a similar debate with myself when I tied to discern the difference between praying and just begging. We've probably all been in a place where we pleaded with some God to "please help" us. I finally came to the conclusion that what made one plea a perhaps sacred act, and the other just a vocal exercise, was the presence of faith. If you knew that there was actually a provider who'd salve your wounds or solve your problem, it was a prayer you were offering up.
With the daily pep talk I give myself I don't have a sense that there is any foundation to it. I feel like I am repeating nonsense sounds. The reassurances I get from people sound hollow: "it's just an awful economy", "something will come through", you've got "GREAT" skills". So why is it I routinely run up against people who are bad at their jobs, mean to customers, rude to candidates, inefficient and wrong-minded but yet they are employed in this bad economy? Why haven't they been replaced by those of us with "great skills"?
How do I tell myself I am a good Mom when I am not providing for my kid? If this situation doesn't turn around soon, who does she look to for an example?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Hello From The East Side
We are all moved in to our place in the East Bay now. Easy move because we have no furniture beyond a bed given us by some friends and a pack n' play for Olivia. So she has lots of space to zoom around in and it's fairly easy to keep the place neat.
We got real internet last night; we'd been on the equivalent of dial-up for the first few days. Ah, the memories of listening to that screeching static sound as the modem tried to connect!
We don't have a TV either which is a mixed blessing. On one hand I miss The Daily Show and The Dog Whisperer terribly. But, I have actually been getting some reading in at night when the kid has gone to sleep. And not just trashy supermarket magazine reading, but an honest-to-god book.
Thanks for the good wishes on the job interview. It was one of the stranger interviews I have been on. Had more of the flavor of SAT's than an interview. The interview panel never veered from their written script and did not ask any questions not on their card. So, needless to say, not an atmosphere where I felt I knocked it out of the park. Oh well, as my Dad often says "It's always nice to be asked to dance."
I made a real push to finish the consulting project I had before we moved because I was losing our babysitter with the move. Good thing I did -- because the notebook where I housed all my files related to the project got lost in the move. I have one last piece to do and I am going to have to go back to the client and ask for this information again. Oy.
Aaron and I noticed that we are both in better spirits now that we are out of the city and the tiny apartment. It's never fun living in someone else's space. Sadie is trying to get used to all the new noises and unsure of when she should bark, so barks at anything.
Even though we are still in precarious finances, we feel some of the weight off our shoulders. Rather than getting back to normal we are creating a new normal and learning to be content with that.
We got real internet last night; we'd been on the equivalent of dial-up for the first few days. Ah, the memories of listening to that screeching static sound as the modem tried to connect!
We don't have a TV either which is a mixed blessing. On one hand I miss The Daily Show and The Dog Whisperer terribly. But, I have actually been getting some reading in at night when the kid has gone to sleep. And not just trashy supermarket magazine reading, but an honest-to-god book.
Thanks for the good wishes on the job interview. It was one of the stranger interviews I have been on. Had more of the flavor of SAT's than an interview. The interview panel never veered from their written script and did not ask any questions not on their card. So, needless to say, not an atmosphere where I felt I knocked it out of the park. Oh well, as my Dad often says "It's always nice to be asked to dance."
I made a real push to finish the consulting project I had before we moved because I was losing our babysitter with the move. Good thing I did -- because the notebook where I housed all my files related to the project got lost in the move. I have one last piece to do and I am going to have to go back to the client and ask for this information again. Oy.
Aaron and I noticed that we are both in better spirits now that we are out of the city and the tiny apartment. It's never fun living in someone else's space. Sadie is trying to get used to all the new noises and unsure of when she should bark, so barks at anything.
Even though we are still in precarious finances, we feel some of the weight off our shoulders. Rather than getting back to normal we are creating a new normal and learning to be content with that.
Monday, May 18, 2009
You're Back!
Due to some bug all my followers disappeared from view. Apparently it's a common issue, but it made me wonder if I was talking to myself. But now I can see you again, so hello!
We are moving this week, taking it slowly because we don't have to be out of our current place by a certain time and, drum roll please, I have a job interview this week! My first one since we've been back in CA. I am curious about this position, it's with the state and the job description was so vague it could have been for anything. Wish me well, ok?
The new apartment is in the East Bay and no closer to Aaron's job but a reasonable commute to most places in the Bay Area. We are going to test-drive the area with a 6 month lease. We will have more leg room in the new place and green areas to run the dog. We are still tentative at putting down roots as Aaron's job is a contract position and we aren't committed to being in CA really, we just want to each have full-time jobs -- wherever that may be.
However, we are in beautiful San Francisco (when it's sunny) and yesterday was a perfect juxtaposition of two massive influxes of people to this city. One was Bay to Breakers, one of the biggest road races anywhere, with colorful costumes, clothing optional runners and music throughout the city. San Francisco at it's quirkiest best. Also the start of a giant convention: the American Psychiatric Association. We spoke with a couple of attendees who were wondering "what the heck is with all the costumes? Is it some kind of parade?" No, not exactly...
We are moving this week, taking it slowly because we don't have to be out of our current place by a certain time and, drum roll please, I have a job interview this week! My first one since we've been back in CA. I am curious about this position, it's with the state and the job description was so vague it could have been for anything. Wish me well, ok?
The new apartment is in the East Bay and no closer to Aaron's job but a reasonable commute to most places in the Bay Area. We are going to test-drive the area with a 6 month lease. We will have more leg room in the new place and green areas to run the dog. We are still tentative at putting down roots as Aaron's job is a contract position and we aren't committed to being in CA really, we just want to each have full-time jobs -- wherever that may be.
However, we are in beautiful San Francisco (when it's sunny) and yesterday was a perfect juxtaposition of two massive influxes of people to this city. One was Bay to Breakers, one of the biggest road races anywhere, with colorful costumes, clothing optional runners and music throughout the city. San Francisco at it's quirkiest best. Also the start of a giant convention: the American Psychiatric Association. We spoke with a couple of attendees who were wondering "what the heck is with all the costumes? Is it some kind of parade?" No, not exactly...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Patience is a Virtue
I once read the reward of patience is patience, which is in short supply these days. Had a day where few things went right following a couple of days of the same and kept looking for the "reset" button.
We've run into a SNAFU with the apartment we were meant to move into THIS WEEKEND. Forget that it really requires a car to live there, forget that we have no furniture of any kind to put in it, forget that the reviews on Yelp! were apprehensive-making concerning the management company's squirrely-ness. What nearly scuttled us was more insidious: because I foreclosed on my condo I am now a credit risk and they were demanding a much larger deposit than we had initially put down a month ago.
Now I know when 1 out of 9 homes in the US is in foreclosure, I am in good company credit-wise. This seemed a weird time for a management company to attempt to squeeze potential tenants. We looked at some other places and even put in an application at a few, but we will probably go with the crappy management place because it is a short-term lease and we will just have to suck it up for a while.
For the first time in my dog's 7-year life I seriously considered giving her up. We are having such difficulty finding a place that takes dogs and she seems really unhappy and anxious despite medication. She deserves better than me yelling at her all the time -- she is an absolute loyal sweetheart of a dog. (Ok, she could stop the counter surfing, but otherwise she is really the best dog.)
I miss the pressure valve of yoga. We literally don't have the 3 square feet it would take for me to do it, not to mention the lack of quiet. I am ready for a big fat miracle. I don't want to have to squint my eyes and tilt my head to see it either -- just a clear, positive uptick to our circumstance.
One happy thing this week: I got a Mother's Day card that plays the jazzy piano piece from Peanuts. Whenever Olivia hears it she gets a pie-eating grin on her face and starts dancing around, flopping her head from side to side just like the cartoon kids. It's a hoot!
We've run into a SNAFU with the apartment we were meant to move into THIS WEEKEND. Forget that it really requires a car to live there, forget that we have no furniture of any kind to put in it, forget that the reviews on Yelp! were apprehensive-making concerning the management company's squirrely-ness. What nearly scuttled us was more insidious: because I foreclosed on my condo I am now a credit risk and they were demanding a much larger deposit than we had initially put down a month ago.
Now I know when 1 out of 9 homes in the US is in foreclosure, I am in good company credit-wise. This seemed a weird time for a management company to attempt to squeeze potential tenants. We looked at some other places and even put in an application at a few, but we will probably go with the crappy management place because it is a short-term lease and we will just have to suck it up for a while.
For the first time in my dog's 7-year life I seriously considered giving her up. We are having such difficulty finding a place that takes dogs and she seems really unhappy and anxious despite medication. She deserves better than me yelling at her all the time -- she is an absolute loyal sweetheart of a dog. (Ok, she could stop the counter surfing, but otherwise she is really the best dog.)
I miss the pressure valve of yoga. We literally don't have the 3 square feet it would take for me to do it, not to mention the lack of quiet. I am ready for a big fat miracle. I don't want to have to squint my eyes and tilt my head to see it either -- just a clear, positive uptick to our circumstance.
One happy thing this week: I got a Mother's Day card that plays the jazzy piano piece from Peanuts. Whenever Olivia hears it she gets a pie-eating grin on her face and starts dancing around, flopping her head from side to side just like the cartoon kids. It's a hoot!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)