Contrasts

This morning we all went into the city together. I went to Mass and then to the hospital to do my monthly volunteer work. Aaron took the kid and the dog to the park so everyone could romp.

As I sat in the pew waiting for Mass to begin I chatted with George, another parishioner. He asked how I was doing and I mentioned we were betwixt and between with our incomes and career. He mentioned that his son Will had cancer and how very frightened he was for the first time in his life.

Then the homily was delivered by one of the substitute priests who I didn't know. He had a campy style that took some getting used to. But once he got his momentum he spoke of the need to not cast God in our own image, to not expect God to instantly give us everything we expect or pray for. To look for God's presence when you've lost your job, failed a test, got a poor prognosis. George and I looked at each other and nodded.

Then I walked up the hill from the church to the hospital and did my ministry rounds. One of my patients was a nun. It makes me nervous when my patients are clergy, I feel as though I were asked to cook for Julia Child.

As always after volunteering, I came out of the hospital feeling buoyed and calm. Called Aaron to see where he was and learned (a) he was at the beach (b)he has some news (c) he'd tell me when he picked me up.

When I leaned in to the car the first thing I noticed was Olivia bundled up in a towel. Sadie was all wet. Aaron wasn't wearing shoes. In January. The "news" was that Sadie and Olivia had been enjoying themselves immensely running up and down the shoreline, then Sadie began to peel off in a different direction. As Aaron turned to get her back Olivia got whacked by a wave and pulled into the surf.

Aaron immediately jumped in the water and grabbed Olivia out. She was upset and soaked through. Sadie was nowhere around. Aaron managed to get everyone back up to the parking lot, got Olivia into dry clothes, got Sadie back. That's when I called in all chirpy.

After Aaron had picked me up and we were driving for a bit he got sort of cloudy-headed and agitated. All the fear and anger about his ability to provide and protect coalesced. He's trying to fix this goddamn financial hole we're in and sees no light. He takes his family to the beach on the first sunny day in weeks and sees his baby swept up by a wave.

At a loss, I offered my experience with today's homily. He pulled the car over to the side of the road and we ate some snacks and tried to regroup. Olivia was already way past it and was clowning around in the back seat. Sadie searched frantically for any bits of dropped food. We felt the heat of the sun warm the car and watched a rollerblader glide past.

After a bit we drove home back over the bridge and the whole pack laid down for a nap. Aaron and I got up soon afterward and talked about what we could sell, what else we could do without, what does God look like in a dark room?

Keepin' On

Since Aaron hasn't been working we are spending more home time together and trying to give each other space has been a challenge. Aaron has been fielding lots of calls from recruiters and making himself sick with worry as to whether any will turn into an offer in time. None of them are in the Bay Area, so if he gets an offer we'd have to move again. On one hand, I look around this apartment and think "meh, not much here I want to keep." And then I get anxious about another big start-over, especially if it is in a place where I know no one.

I continue to plug away at this little consulting project --though I had a real crisis of confidence with it this week and Aaron talked me off the ledge, so good thing he was home.

Back To The Drawing Board

Last year at this time we were packing up the place in CT, putting our things in storage, and setting off in our little car with heavy hearts to a situation of ambiguity. All we knew is that we needed to keep our new little family intact while we searched for an opportunity to better our circumstances.

And a year later it's no more settled for us. As an example: I installed a curtain in our bedroom a few days ago--8 months after we moved in. My dresser drawer is a cardboard FedEx box. We are still literally living out of suitcases. After a few weeks of steady paychecks Aaron's project was canceled and he is again looking for work. Today he slept most of the day and I did chores. We are careful with each other as though we were china tea cups.

I think we are actually pretty resilient considering we are still in precarious financial straits, we are living in another apartment we dislike, we feel isolated from community. Not such a difference a year makes, and yet we are facing in the same direction now.

Except that in a few weeks our daughter turns two! She is our bright munchkin, asking incessant questions and breaking into dance steps every now and again. She is better than I ever could have imagined; I still can't quite believe I produced such a beautiful, funny, charming creature.

Olivia got sick over the weekend with a cold and an ear infection. She was clingy and quiet most of yesterday. It's been raining for weeks and yesterday was no different. We waited 45 minutes in the doctor's office and the whole time my soggy little girl sat quietly on my lap. She's back to her bouncy self today with the aid of antibiotics.

I am taking things in small bites. I can't seem to again address where to live, how to secure work, what kind of community will I participate in. Aaron naps, I check out by immersing myself in the everyday housewife-y duties, and we remind each other that we will get through this too.

Hurry Up And Wait

It's been a week of trying to get out of the starting blocks on this project I have been working on-again off-again. Phase 1 was vetting vendors for a client and Phase 2 will be to do a software implementation for them. Only the client's CFO and the vendor had a disagreement and couldn't get a contract signed.

None of this would affect me much one way or the other except that for Phase 2 I will need full-time child care as I will need to be in the client's office and not working from home. Last week I began researching childcare options.

After calling around, I discovered that a daycare center was not going to be an option because they want a year contract. I found an in-home child care provider a few blocks from our apartment willing to go week-by-week. Olivia and I paid her a visit; very nice woman, watches a few kids Olivia's age, somehow keep the place immaculate. As we began talking I mentioned that Olivia had never been watched by anyone but family and then suddenly, surprisingly was in tears.

I really do feel ready to return to work but I suppose I am going to have to reconcile that it won't be without a measure of regret at leaving Olliepop with someone. Anyway, if Phase 2 gets going, it will only be for a couple weeks. Enough time for me to play dress up and go downtown to an office.

Last week I had a lunch meeting with the CFO and Aaron told me to stay in the city afterward if I wanted to take some time for myself. Only trouble is, I am so unused to wearing heels and a bra that after my meeting I raced home to change! Whodathunk? All the adjustments.

Kill The Beast

The last couple mornings Sadie, our faithful canine, has romped through the halls with a squeaker toy fully engaged in her creaky jaws. Not because she needed to go outside. Apparently she decided it was time for the pack to be awake and so blew reveille. This morning I ran through my mental Rolodex searching for a nearby glue factory we could ship her to, but couldn't find one. Lucky dog.

Then, after we came home from Ols' tumbling class, we found the kitchen thoroughly ransacked and a stick of butter and a bag of English muffins gone. This is our dog on the amplified anti-anxiety medication! I shudder to think of her without meds. Really, it would all be solved with another dog but I cannot do it. No way, no how.

Which reminds me -- stay with me, I am low on sleep and the ideas wander -- Olivia has started using short phrases! "No way!" Yes, please" and "Mommy! What you doing?"

So, as you all can read, my blog title is Dust Bowl 2009 and here we are in 2010. I honestly never thought our precarious situation would have lasted this long. Bends my mind to contemplate it.

I was listening to another doom-filled employment report the other day and it mentioned how the unemployment numbers didn't reflect the 100's of thousands of people who had given up looking for work altogether. There I am helping to skew the picture! I had to cease the job search just to get some equilibrium. It was so demoralizing I was presenting poorly as a candidate and needed to halt the downward spiral.

SO, new year, new sense of optimism. I have updated my resume and my Linked In profile and am working on my confidence. I figure things can only go up.

After reading "Born to Run", a book about extreme distance runners and the evils of shoes, I realized today that quasi-employment netted an unexpected benefit for me. For years my feet, plagued by fallen arches, neuromas and plantar fasciitis, have given me constant pain. Since I have been mostly telecommuting for the past 3 years I am generally just sock-footed. I wear shoes only when I absolutely must. And I have had no pain for the last year or so.

Aaron still has a job. Not sure for how long, half his team is to be let go. He has exhausted himself with worrying about it and trying to find something else, get ready for the new semester, find time for the family. We are kind of ignoring it in some way. We are both job searching but we can't keep focusing on how the legs can be pulled out from under us at any time.

For now, it's one bare foot in front of the other. Baby steps.