Crash Landing

Back in California after 10 days on the other coast. Just had a shouting match with my drunken next door neighbor at 5AM as he had woken me up from a sound sleep. The return trip from CT was grueling and I arrived here exhausted. The day after I arrived I slept 4 hours in the middle of the day and still felt tired. So this was not a good time (if ever) to wake me up. Mess with my sleep and you awaken a monster; wake up the kid and I will well and truly desire you harm.

As I got back in bed Aaron patted my shoulder and said he was proud of me, which struck me as odd since I had been hurling invective over the patio fence just moments earlier. I suppose it's encouraging to have someone else share the burden of defending the family.

At any rate, there's no going back to bed now. I've had a shower and after a cup of tea and a boiled egg I will start the unpacking process from the trip. Olivia got so many gifts from her CT family that I haven't been able to put it all away. She has been a little crabby and needy since we returned, no doubt picking up on my general mood. If I can get the house organized I hope to clear a space in my head too. Then perhaps I can be more generous with people.

Home Again Jiggety Jig

After a grueling overnight flight with a no-sleeping 17 month old we arrived in Providence and promptly hit a wall of heat and humidity that set me back on my heels. Then perfection presented itself.

My brother picked us up at the airport, made sure we were comfy, bought clothes and supplies for Olivia and dropped us off at my Dad and Lynn's house. We hustled down to the shore where Olivia hotfooted it across the sand and into the water with squeals of joy. Someone brought me a vodka and I stood in the waves with my family watching my daughter chase the mild surf and dig in the sand. Home.

We have been here a few days, and except that Aaron isn't with us, there isn't anything that could be improved on. We visit with various family members, eat yummy summer food and play in the ocean and the yard each day. Olivia is in her own Disneyland with more stuff to do than she can fit between sleep cycles.

I had a sense of deja-vu the first day on the beach. There we were looking down the familiar shoreline, not where I grew up exactly, but close enough. I am swinging my daughter in the ocean and realizing I was used to being the laughing kid and not the adult on the other end hanging on going "wheeee!" My daughter has her head thrown back with laughter and I scoop her up to point down the beach at the boats and the gulls. "This is where Mommy is from. This is where we're from."

There's a million ways to go...

SO I reluctantly left my lair and went on three outings with three different friends last week and, naturally, enjoyed myself greatly. Mom was in town and baby-sat the kid so I could go and it was nice to not worry while I was out.

No news on the job front. Neither Aaron or I heard back from our interviews we had three weeks ago. We don't even get bitter anymore. People ask us if we heard anything and the question doesn't even register. "Oh that? Nope, nothing. Next!" Aaron has sold some computer equipment which kept us afloat this month. Still having issues with Aaron being paid fully and timely.

I had a preliminary discussion last week with a former colleague about possibly working for him. It's so vague that there is not much to talk about. He is the CFO at an investment house and needs someone to take care of lots of things he doesn't have time for. No job description beyond "I need someone smart who can get things done." He is still investigating whether he can hire a manager type or if he would be better served by an admin. We are supposed to talk again when he returns from vacation.

Speaking of, I am going to CT this weekend and really looking forward to it. I miss my family and feel like Olivia is growing up so fast that they are missing a lot. She is in fine form these days: singing and chattering and gesturing. Quite the communicator. She has taken to grabbing my hand and walking me to the door when she wants to go outside, which is like 500 times a day. You can get her to do anything now if you tell her she needs to in order to go to the slide -- get shoes on, jacket, whatever. Wahoo, slide!

Shoes Dropping

I kept hoping that I would be fit enough company to rejoin society, but not yet. I have forced myself to schedule two social outings this week to get me out of my cave and, of course, I am now dreading both.

Since we have been here I have been of the mind that this is not me, this impatient, snappish, brittle shrew. But at some point you gotta wonder -- really? I have made a mantra of saying that any number of points of our circumstance are temporary: the job worry, the deracinated feeling, the brittleness. However, "temporary" has turned into 2 years and counting -- so apparently this is the new, unimproved me.

Aaron has been given 30-day notice at his job. The news was not unexpected, it was a contract gig, but it has put us into two very different modes. Aaron is sending his energy into many directions, not all of it productive, as he tries to find another gig. I clean house and do laundry while trying to fight back the sensation of the water rising to my ears.

Grimly we went to the zoo, went to the movies, I got my haircut. I re-read one of the Little House on the Prairie books to give myself perspective. I am still complaining more than I'd like but I can occasionally follow it up with some thankfulness. No cyclones, locusts, blizzards or threshing accidents here.