Having been mentally without traction in my job search for some time, I called my friend Lee to get some perspective. Lee and I have known each other for almost 10 years from when we worked together at an outplacement firm. He has an MBA plus another masters degree, more than a decade of executive recruiting experience and a very polished, articulate presentation.
He is also super disciplined. Lee has been in his own job search for over 7 months and in that time he has conducted 196 informational interviews with business leaders across the country. From 9 -6 every weekday he works on finding his next job. And, because he has a mortgage in the Bay Area, he has spent half of his retirement savings just staying afloat. The day I called happened to be the day that his unemployment ran out.
For all of those challenges, he still sounded upbeat and had his sense of humor about him. When I inquired how he had maintained his spirits he replied "beta-blockers." Turns out, all the same anxiety, sleeplessness and sense of futility I'd experienced he had experienced too.
While it helped to talk with someone walking the same path, it also scared me. I don't have the luxury of spending that kind of time on a search neither do I have the temperament. If someone with Lee's credentials and verve can't get traction, holy crap -- am I ever going to be reemployed?
I am up against not wanting to do the work I did when I was last salaried and unsure how to reposition myself in the marketplace. It's not enough to tell a potential employer "I just don't want to do HR." So I continue to spin my wheels and wonder if I should go get me some beta blockers too.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Giving Thanks
This morning I made a dash through the rain to the supermarket, Olivia in tow, for some last-minute Thanksgiving items. As I was hefting the grocery bags into the trunk and lifting Olivia out of the cart I heard a voice behind me saying "Happy Thanksgiving!"
I swiveled around to reply "Happy Thanksgiving" and saw a woman, somewhat serious expression on her face, standing by my elbow. She handed me a $20 bill then curtly said "God Bless You" and quickly marched into the store we'd just left.
Which made me wonder "Do I look indigent?" Apparently that's what driving a Corolla in South Park does for you, gets you the sympathy of strangers.
My Mom cooked all day and baked two pies for today's dinner. Aaron worked a 13 hour shift before dinner; we were fortunate to have him at the table at all. Everybody is healthy, we have a roof over our head, more than enough for thanks.
A few days ago I flew to NYC to see a reading of one of my Dad's plays. Much of the immediate family came in to the city as well to be in the audience. Also in attendance were two friends I hadn't seen in something like 20 years. One had survived cancer himself only to lose a son to it a short time later. The other has made a really nice life for herself and seems have it all. I was at a loss of how to sum up where things were at for me, how to cover 20 years in a few minutes.
Yet, with both, it didn't matter what I have been up to, only that I was there. Like with family we all just wanted to know that the other was intact and happy in some way. It was lovely and restorative to see my friends, my family, and remember that sometimes all it takes to find gratitude is showing up.
I swiveled around to reply "Happy Thanksgiving" and saw a woman, somewhat serious expression on her face, standing by my elbow. She handed me a $20 bill then curtly said "God Bless You" and quickly marched into the store we'd just left.
Which made me wonder "Do I look indigent?" Apparently that's what driving a Corolla in South Park does for you, gets you the sympathy of strangers.
My Mom cooked all day and baked two pies for today's dinner. Aaron worked a 13 hour shift before dinner; we were fortunate to have him at the table at all. Everybody is healthy, we have a roof over our head, more than enough for thanks.
A few days ago I flew to NYC to see a reading of one of my Dad's plays. Much of the immediate family came in to the city as well to be in the audience. Also in attendance were two friends I hadn't seen in something like 20 years. One had survived cancer himself only to lose a son to it a short time later. The other has made a really nice life for herself and seems have it all. I was at a loss of how to sum up where things were at for me, how to cover 20 years in a few minutes.
Yet, with both, it didn't matter what I have been up to, only that I was there. Like with family we all just wanted to know that the other was intact and happy in some way. It was lovely and restorative to see my friends, my family, and remember that sometimes all it takes to find gratitude is showing up.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Now What
My dear and beautiful friend Maurine, who I've been friends with for 18 years, had a big birthday last month and the tribe held a birthday bash for her in California. I wasn't able to go so, to participate in spirit, Maurine sent me a blank scrapbook page to decorate of my own devising and return to her, as all the attendees had done.
Well what a project, let me tell you! I thought I knew exactly where my box of photos was, but after a hunt in the garage-- and the attic and a couple of closets-- I was stumped. Aaron finally found a large Tupperware bin of photos (In the garage! Where I'd already looked!) that he hauled out for me and I spent the better part of a day sorting through them.
First I sorted them into large categories "Family", "Foreign Travel", "River Trips", then into tighter categories. But what was really fun was throwing a bunch of pictures out. A whole wastebasket full of people I don't know anymore, people I don't like anymore, landscapes I didn't recognize.
And of course many, many pictures of Maurine, Jon, Lori, Rosemary, Carol, Susan and I. All of us (except Jon)wearing wedding dresses at a Palm Springs hotel, sequins and lime green prom gowns on a river trip, clown noses and wigs at a theatrical performance. We all look so young and yet somehow Maurine hasn't aged still, no wrinkles, all smiles.
I thought I would enjoy being reminded of people I hadn't thought of in a while, but what was most enjoyable was seeing who had endured, what I could still connect to. I have one photo album that has black-and-white pictures of my grandparents and parents through the years and then my brother and I. Switch to color in my early childhood. It made me really happy to think of adding my own kid to the album, an enduring thread.
Oh, and throughout the bin I found some great pictures of Maurine. One in particular that has to go in the scrapbook is of her from the back, leaning over into a raft in an unattractive orange swimsuit, with a big smear of mud on her rear end. Because as Oscar Wilde noted "good friends stab you in the front."
Well what a project, let me tell you! I thought I knew exactly where my box of photos was, but after a hunt in the garage-- and the attic and a couple of closets-- I was stumped. Aaron finally found a large Tupperware bin of photos (In the garage! Where I'd already looked!) that he hauled out for me and I spent the better part of a day sorting through them.
First I sorted them into large categories "Family", "Foreign Travel", "River Trips", then into tighter categories. But what was really fun was throwing a bunch of pictures out. A whole wastebasket full of people I don't know anymore, people I don't like anymore, landscapes I didn't recognize.
And of course many, many pictures of Maurine, Jon, Lori, Rosemary, Carol, Susan and I. All of us (except Jon)wearing wedding dresses at a Palm Springs hotel, sequins and lime green prom gowns on a river trip, clown noses and wigs at a theatrical performance. We all look so young and yet somehow Maurine hasn't aged still, no wrinkles, all smiles.
I thought I would enjoy being reminded of people I hadn't thought of in a while, but what was most enjoyable was seeing who had endured, what I could still connect to. I have one photo album that has black-and-white pictures of my grandparents and parents through the years and then my brother and I. Switch to color in my early childhood. It made me really happy to think of adding my own kid to the album, an enduring thread.
Oh, and throughout the bin I found some great pictures of Maurine. One in particular that has to go in the scrapbook is of her from the back, leaning over into a raft in an unattractive orange swimsuit, with a big smear of mud on her rear end. Because as Oscar Wilde noted "good friends stab you in the front."
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Old Friends
I got a lovely and unexpected gift this week from my friend Lori. I've known Lori for 20 years but she lives in LA so I don't get to see her that often. The other day I opened a very belated birthday card that contained a gift card, as well as copies of a bunch of e-mails that she and I had exchanged in 1997.
It was like looking at an old yearbook without having to cringe at the bad hairstyles. Instead there was a time capsule of us and I remembered that, at least in my 20s, I was really funny. I mean laugh out loud blow-milk-out-your-nose really really funny. Which of course made me wonder "When did I stop being funny?" but I don't know if it would be helpful to pinpoint.
What was helpful was getting the reminder that some friends stick around and think your wonderful even when it feels like you're boring and toxic. So now I have to go. I need to call my friend Lori and let her know how much I love her.
It was like looking at an old yearbook without having to cringe at the bad hairstyles. Instead there was a time capsule of us and I remembered that, at least in my 20s, I was really funny. I mean laugh out loud blow-milk-out-your-nose really really funny. Which of course made me wonder "When did I stop being funny?" but I don't know if it would be helpful to pinpoint.
What was helpful was getting the reminder that some friends stick around and think your wonderful even when it feels like you're boring and toxic. So now I have to go. I need to call my friend Lori and let her know how much I love her.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Autumn Leaves
We had a precipitous weather change in a week here. It went from mid 90's to mid 70's in 2 days. I am finding it easier to function now that it's cooler and it's really sweet being out on the bike now.
I spent 2 days last weekend doing some volunteer work at the local Y. I have really missed the hospital ministry I used to do in SF and was looking for some way to occupy myself and meet new people. I did 2 four-hour shifts helping out at a giant consignment sale that the Y holds twice a year. Didn't meet anyone particular but it was pleasant to be out of the house and contributing.
Turns out the timing was perfect. I had what looks to be a friendship-ending disagreement with the friend I did work for this summer over payment. As in, she doesn't want to pay me what she agreed to on the invoice I gave her in August. After lots of back-and-forth nothing was resolved.
At first I was really upset that yet another friendship was ending; the last few years have made me wonder if I am some sort of kryptonite. I used to think that an end of a relationship made room for another to enter, but I am just ending up with a lot of space in my friendship area.
Then, of course, I was upset with not being paid. I'd had that money earmarked and not receiving it put me into a tailspin for a few hours. So it was actually soothing to sort racks of clothing and haul items from sidewalk to building, mindless busy work. Plus, I cycled home in half my usual time!
This week I made some tentative peace with it. I don't really know what else to do. Keeping on with the things I can.
I spent 2 days last weekend doing some volunteer work at the local Y. I have really missed the hospital ministry I used to do in SF and was looking for some way to occupy myself and meet new people. I did 2 four-hour shifts helping out at a giant consignment sale that the Y holds twice a year. Didn't meet anyone particular but it was pleasant to be out of the house and contributing.
Turns out the timing was perfect. I had what looks to be a friendship-ending disagreement with the friend I did work for this summer over payment. As in, she doesn't want to pay me what she agreed to on the invoice I gave her in August. After lots of back-and-forth nothing was resolved.
At first I was really upset that yet another friendship was ending; the last few years have made me wonder if I am some sort of kryptonite. I used to think that an end of a relationship made room for another to enter, but I am just ending up with a lot of space in my friendship area.
Then, of course, I was upset with not being paid. I'd had that money earmarked and not receiving it put me into a tailspin for a few hours. So it was actually soothing to sort racks of clothing and haul items from sidewalk to building, mindless busy work. Plus, I cycled home in half my usual time!
This week I made some tentative peace with it. I don't really know what else to do. Keeping on with the things I can.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Do I Contradict Myself?
Very well, then I contradict myself.
Haven't written in ages because there didn't seem anything to say about nothing happening. I feel like I am living a cliche: middle-aged, overweight, stagnating. If I had passionate pursuits, I can't remember what they were.
How does one find passion? I don't think it will present itself, I am sure I need to go after it. Yet I live the life of an isolate, apparently by choice although it doesn't seem that way to me -- but how else to explain it?
That said, it is easier here in Charlotte than it was in Alameda. I hated our apartment complex so much and I didn't feel particularly safe there. Here it is pretty and, although my bike helmet was just stolen from our front porch, I still feel safer.
Same struggle, different year. On one hand I am thoroughly used up by parenting. Each day I try not to lose all patience and most days I lose. Petty annoyances get disproportionate energy. Boredom with the quotidian chores, errands, task. On the other hand -- "I contain multitudes." There is so much of me untapped: desire to help, mindpower, skills that don't get play. The dream deferred that hasn't exploded.
Haven't written in ages because there didn't seem anything to say about nothing happening. I feel like I am living a cliche: middle-aged, overweight, stagnating. If I had passionate pursuits, I can't remember what they were.
How does one find passion? I don't think it will present itself, I am sure I need to go after it. Yet I live the life of an isolate, apparently by choice although it doesn't seem that way to me -- but how else to explain it?
That said, it is easier here in Charlotte than it was in Alameda. I hated our apartment complex so much and I didn't feel particularly safe there. Here it is pretty and, although my bike helmet was just stolen from our front porch, I still feel safer.
Same struggle, different year. On one hand I am thoroughly used up by parenting. Each day I try not to lose all patience and most days I lose. Petty annoyances get disproportionate energy. Boredom with the quotidian chores, errands, task. On the other hand -- "I contain multitudes." There is so much of me untapped: desire to help, mindpower, skills that don't get play. The dream deferred that hasn't exploded.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
And the Dust of a Foreign Road in Your Hair
My daughter and I are back in CT for a little R&R at the beach and a visit with family. We return to North Carolina today and will be there a whole 4 days before we depart for Georgia. I used to think that the life of the tumbleweed was for me, but I am longing for a little continuity and focus.
Each trip this summer brought an area into relief: Boulder reminded me that I have solid professional skills, Chicago showed me that there are ways to combine career and family, and CT revealed that family, like everything, is what you make it. I know there has long been the distinctions of "family of choice" and "family of origin", but I figured they were for people with lousy childhoods. I see now that people opt in and out of those distinctions over and over, guided by any number of reactions: duty, generosity, indifference, fear, desire to belong.
My daughter picked up some new behaviors this summer. Thumb sucking. Asking for a series of food items when she doesn't want any of them. Exaggerated blinking. Time will sort out whether they are the brief trying-ons of a toddler or something that I'll worry about longer. I am constantly questioning whether my decisions have benefited her on balance.
Maybe I should have stayed put this summer and gotten my daughter acclimated in her new hometown. Maybe I should have put her in daycare while I was in Chicago. Perhaps I would have been better served by bearing down on the job search rather than taking mediocre-paying consulting gigs.
I have more of a sense of freedom than I did at the beginning of the summer. Each trip exercised some dormant muscles, though I think a meeting I had in Charlotte just before I left for CT was really helpful. It was with a headhunting firm that had found my resume on the internet. From when I walked in to their offices the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I met with one of their Career Consultants -- a confident, round guy with a background in sales. At the end of our hour-long meeting, during which he attempted to get up to speed on my resume which he had obviously not read, he dropped the kicker: he wanted me to pay THEM to find job leads! To the tune of $3500!
Now, I had asked Aaron to work from home so that he could cover child care, I had read the bios of the various people who worked at this firm. I had had my hair done and dressed carefully as though this was a legit interview. And all that prep and coordination put me in front of a used-car salesman.
I smiled, shook hands, and left. When I got home Aaron had his hopeful expression on and asked me how it went. The best way I could describe it to him was "Thank you for your time. Next!" And that wasn't a bad thing at all.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Flatlining
If it's possible to have a backlog of thinking, I have it. Olliepop and I have been in Chicagoland for the last few weeks at a friend's house. My time is so fractured with all of the children and dogs running through the house, that I literally don't have time to finish a thought.
Been waking up at 4:30 - 5:00AM the last week or so and just lying in bed catching up on my thinking. I was only in Charlotte for about 6 weeks before I went to Boulder and then here. When we get home next week, we'll be there about 4 days and then we'll head for CT for 2 weeks, effectively winding up the summer.
No wonder when people ask "How are you settling in to Charlotte?" I don't have an answer. I've barely been there.
My dreams of late have all been about the house I grew up in. I realize I have been trying to get my own little beach house my whole adult life and I am no closer than ever. It's time I focus on what will best support ME, rather than all the people around me. I feel as though I have been on hold with all of the various moves for Aaron's work and I don't know how to determine what I want anymore all on my own.
Trying to be a supportive wife, loving mom and loyal friend has made me feel as though I am not being successful at any of those roles, with all of the fracturing. And maybe that's just how it is in the meanwhile until I am caught up.
Been waking up at 4:30 - 5:00AM the last week or so and just lying in bed catching up on my thinking. I was only in Charlotte for about 6 weeks before I went to Boulder and then here. When we get home next week, we'll be there about 4 days and then we'll head for CT for 2 weeks, effectively winding up the summer.
No wonder when people ask "How are you settling in to Charlotte?" I don't have an answer. I've barely been there.
My dreams of late have all been about the house I grew up in. I realize I have been trying to get my own little beach house my whole adult life and I am no closer than ever. It's time I focus on what will best support ME, rather than all the people around me. I feel as though I have been on hold with all of the various moves for Aaron's work and I don't know how to determine what I want anymore all on my own.
Trying to be a supportive wife, loving mom and loyal friend has made me feel as though I am not being successful at any of those roles, with all of the fracturing. And maybe that's just how it is in the meanwhile until I am caught up.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Land Of Nod
I am realizing that the hot weather has lent an unfamiliar shape to my days. For so long, living in California, mornings were a time to putter and wait for the fog to burn off. Here, it is so brutally hot most days that you need to get outdoor activities handled before about 9:30AM or else they will languish.
At least if you are someone unused to the torpor brought on by heat and humidity. I'd always assumed that I would welcome the warmth -- and I do -- but it definitely curtails my movements. How I wish I lived in a place that had siesta!
We finally bit the bullet and bought a lawnmower yesterday. This morning Aaron christened it by mowing one side of the front lawn, which promptly caused the mower to spew oil and stop altogether. Seemed fitting, as if our reluctance caused the machine to lose it's mojo. It knew it wasn't really wanted.
In this short time blogging tonight I have been interrupted 3 times by the appearance of a very large bug. I hate that I am so thoroughly creeped out by certain insects. This one required Aaron's intervention since there was no way I was going to be able to get near enough to kill it. My sweet husband was all tucked in cozy in bed, and each time I screamed he got up and chased the bug until he was able to catch it and flush it down the toilet. Score one for having been brought up in El Paso.
I will be going out of town for a few days after the 4th of July holiday to manage a workshop. Then a few days after that Olivia and I will be going to Illinois to help a friend of mine expand her business. I am looking forward to stretching my muscles, as far as work goes. This trying to fit work in around Olivia's nap schedule has been challenging and I usually end up working on stuff late at night when the household is asleep.
So we'll see how this summer ends up: a little work for me, some time apart again for Aaron and I, visits with people I haven't seen in a while. The mish-mash of getting your legs under you again.
At least if you are someone unused to the torpor brought on by heat and humidity. I'd always assumed that I would welcome the warmth -- and I do -- but it definitely curtails my movements. How I wish I lived in a place that had siesta!
We finally bit the bullet and bought a lawnmower yesterday. This morning Aaron christened it by mowing one side of the front lawn, which promptly caused the mower to spew oil and stop altogether. Seemed fitting, as if our reluctance caused the machine to lose it's mojo. It knew it wasn't really wanted.
In this short time blogging tonight I have been interrupted 3 times by the appearance of a very large bug. I hate that I am so thoroughly creeped out by certain insects. This one required Aaron's intervention since there was no way I was going to be able to get near enough to kill it. My sweet husband was all tucked in cozy in bed, and each time I screamed he got up and chased the bug until he was able to catch it and flush it down the toilet. Score one for having been brought up in El Paso.
I will be going out of town for a few days after the 4th of July holiday to manage a workshop. Then a few days after that Olivia and I will be going to Illinois to help a friend of mine expand her business. I am looking forward to stretching my muscles, as far as work goes. This trying to fit work in around Olivia's nap schedule has been challenging and I usually end up working on stuff late at night when the household is asleep.
So we'll see how this summer ends up: a little work for me, some time apart again for Aaron and I, visits with people I haven't seen in a while. The mish-mash of getting your legs under you again.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Hit Reset
Last weekend Aaron and I went away for an evening without Olivia. Heaven. First time in over a year that we were able to be talk without constant interruption and it allowed us to remember some things about who we are and what we love about each other.
One of the things that has been percolating in my head, and in this blog a bit, is what my next career move is. Having that little bit of space last weekend allowed me to articulate to Aaron just what was causing me to be so reluctant to return to the kind of work I know to do.
When I considered Corporate Training or HR, what I kept knocking up against is the need for business people to constantly quantify their contribution. It's all about metrics and how to skew them, analyze them, communicate them and use them to your advantage -- all resulting in PowerPoint presentations that bore the hell out of people.
That is not what I am best at. Where I shine is in the ambiguous area of relating to people where they are at and helping them get to a better place. Not very quantifiable. But really gratifying.
So, I have changed tack. I am not going to pursue what I already know and what I already know does not light me up. I am not sure what the shape is of what is next for me but, if the idea makes me tired, I can be sure it's not for me.
I'll let you know how it goes.
One of the things that has been percolating in my head, and in this blog a bit, is what my next career move is. Having that little bit of space last weekend allowed me to articulate to Aaron just what was causing me to be so reluctant to return to the kind of work I know to do.
When I considered Corporate Training or HR, what I kept knocking up against is the need for business people to constantly quantify their contribution. It's all about metrics and how to skew them, analyze them, communicate them and use them to your advantage -- all resulting in PowerPoint presentations that bore the hell out of people.
That is not what I am best at. Where I shine is in the ambiguous area of relating to people where they are at and helping them get to a better place. Not very quantifiable. But really gratifying.
So, I have changed tack. I am not going to pursue what I already know and what I already know does not light me up. I am not sure what the shape is of what is next for me but, if the idea makes me tired, I can be sure it's not for me.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
So Much Things To Say
I had started this blog intending for it to be a short bridge. Just a way to keep in touch until Aaron and I were redeployed into our new jobs. I never thought that I would have cause for it be in existence all this time later.
As much as we have both struggled to find work I have struggled to find confidence. Last week a friend of mine asked me to write for her website and I struggled for days with feeling absolutely inadequate to the task. This for a subject that I know a lot about, and for a friend who had complete faith in me, and yet I had to give myself a good talking to before I could say yes.
The casualties of long-term unemployment are intangible. At first the losses were real and tangible: foreclosure, huge debt, inability to pay bills, go out, travel. But now what is lost is the ability to be seen. I feel like a ghost walking amongst the living, albeit a ghost with a bad dye job. And I don't have the ability to relax -- that muscle is long gone. I've gotten all control freak-y and humorless. Thank goodness there is a 2 year-old around to make me laugh.
I hurt my back the other day while refinishing some furniture; it was almost inevitable since I am strung like a bow. I just needed a feather's touch to knock me over into injury. I find myself acting like someone that I would have made fun of 4 years ago: all strung out by the house being messy or the kid smushing potato chips into her hair, as though it matters.
But that veering from snappishness to laughter seems appropriate for the weird circumstance that is the stay-at-home Mom's. On one hand you are isolated from grown-up conversations, the hustle and flow of business life, the headaches of commuting and meetings, the connection of your morning coffee stop and chats with colleagues. On the other, you are without any moment of alone time -- whether you are eating or going to the bathroom or trying to take a phone call. There is no let up.
Aaron is literally working around the clock. There have been several challenges (of the un-fun kind) to his new position. The upshot is that he has had to be up at all hours on conference calls, trying to do the IT version of catching a tiger by the tail. We'd hoped to go away this weekend to Asheville, but we may have to defer to a more amenable time.
For my birthday Aaron got me a kitten, Jethro. He is a 2 lb bundle of nuttiness. It has been many years since I had a kitten and I'd forgotten their unpredictability. Though he has started a routine of gnawing my ear to tell me he wants to be fed. He and Sadie have reached detente, with each of them understanding that they are the favorite.
My days here have a sort of bockety rhythm to them, punctuated with meltdowns by either Olivia or me. We get up, argue over whether Olivia will watch TV, check the weather to see if we'll have more rain, go to the park or the Y, after dinner spend a couple of hours wrangling over bedtime. In between are chores and errands. Around it all is the sense that I'm dancing as fast as I can.
As much as we have both struggled to find work I have struggled to find confidence. Last week a friend of mine asked me to write for her website and I struggled for days with feeling absolutely inadequate to the task. This for a subject that I know a lot about, and for a friend who had complete faith in me, and yet I had to give myself a good talking to before I could say yes.
The casualties of long-term unemployment are intangible. At first the losses were real and tangible: foreclosure, huge debt, inability to pay bills, go out, travel. But now what is lost is the ability to be seen. I feel like a ghost walking amongst the living, albeit a ghost with a bad dye job. And I don't have the ability to relax -- that muscle is long gone. I've gotten all control freak-y and humorless. Thank goodness there is a 2 year-old around to make me laugh.
I hurt my back the other day while refinishing some furniture; it was almost inevitable since I am strung like a bow. I just needed a feather's touch to knock me over into injury. I find myself acting like someone that I would have made fun of 4 years ago: all strung out by the house being messy or the kid smushing potato chips into her hair, as though it matters.
But that veering from snappishness to laughter seems appropriate for the weird circumstance that is the stay-at-home Mom's. On one hand you are isolated from grown-up conversations, the hustle and flow of business life, the headaches of commuting and meetings, the connection of your morning coffee stop and chats with colleagues. On the other, you are without any moment of alone time -- whether you are eating or going to the bathroom or trying to take a phone call. There is no let up.
Aaron is literally working around the clock. There have been several challenges (of the un-fun kind) to his new position. The upshot is that he has had to be up at all hours on conference calls, trying to do the IT version of catching a tiger by the tail. We'd hoped to go away this weekend to Asheville, but we may have to defer to a more amenable time.
For my birthday Aaron got me a kitten, Jethro. He is a 2 lb bundle of nuttiness. It has been many years since I had a kitten and I'd forgotten their unpredictability. Though he has started a routine of gnawing my ear to tell me he wants to be fed. He and Sadie have reached detente, with each of them understanding that they are the favorite.
My days here have a sort of bockety rhythm to them, punctuated with meltdowns by either Olivia or me. We get up, argue over whether Olivia will watch TV, check the weather to see if we'll have more rain, go to the park or the Y, after dinner spend a couple of hours wrangling over bedtime. In between are chores and errands. Around it all is the sense that I'm dancing as fast as I can.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
California State of Mind
Aaron and I don't think of ourselves as having typically California outlooks, but of late we both recognize that apparently we are more west coast then we recognize. Restaurants use Styrofoam take out boxes and have smoking sections -- which seems like a real throw back. My experience going to Mass on Sunday was pretty somber. I's hoped to find a place on the more liberal end of the scale.but apparently this place was the liberal church. Whoops!
Aaron was introduced over the weekend this way: This is Aaron. He moved here from San Francisco, but he's alright, he's originally from Texas. He's married.
Sigh.
It's been raining forever. Every day it rains at least part of the day, which means if your travel by bike you don't leave the house much. Olivia and I are feeling cabin-fever-ish.
Since yesterday it rained hard most of the day, we didn't grill hamburgers outside as we intended to. Aaron took Olivia out of the house for a large portion of the day to give me some space to unpack some boxes. We have reclaimed a large section of the kitchen from the bone pile! It's looking more as if a family lives here and not a bunch of frat boys.
Still feeling isolated. I scan the local papers and magazines for opportunities to get connected with this place. Soon, right?
Aaron was introduced over the weekend this way: This is Aaron. He moved here from San Francisco, but he's alright, he's originally from Texas. He's married.
Sigh.
It's been raining forever. Every day it rains at least part of the day, which means if your travel by bike you don't leave the house much. Olivia and I are feeling cabin-fever-ish.
Since yesterday it rained hard most of the day, we didn't grill hamburgers outside as we intended to. Aaron took Olivia out of the house for a large portion of the day to give me some space to unpack some boxes. We have reclaimed a large section of the kitchen from the bone pile! It's looking more as if a family lives here and not a bunch of frat boys.
Still feeling isolated. I scan the local papers and magazines for opportunities to get connected with this place. Soon, right?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Spring Into Summer
We are into summer already here. Olivia spent today doing summer kid things: playing in the neighbor kid's sprinkler, jumping on our trampoline, eating Popsicles. She skipped her afternoon nap and collapsed in our bed after dinner, spent.
People keep asking how I am settling in and truth be told, I don't know that we are. Aaron goes off to work each day for 10 -12 hours and Olivia and I fill the days with a little of this and that. A bike ride to the grocery store, swimming at the Y, too many videos of Shaun the Sheep.
I have had few conversations with people here, being that I am mostly chaperoning a 2 year-old. Still, a surprising number of people have managed to insert the word "Yankee" into an otherwise innocuous sentence. It's done in a "just kidding y'all" way, but I end up reacting internally like "yeah, put it there pal!" Less Yankee and more Philadelphia.
The house is still a hot mess. You'd have thought we'd just arrived yesterday rather than 3 weeks ago. It makes me crazy and unsettled to have it this way, but it is flat-out boring for Olivia to watch me unpack, so we end up playing rather than getting things in order.
The last two nights I read a whole book. It was a great feeling to have that head space back and to realize that Olivia is reaching a stage where I can back off a bit and regain some of my old muscles.
So what do I think of Charlotte so far? Couldn't tell you. Our little patch of green is good for the kid and the dog, so we'll start with that and see where it leads.
People keep asking how I am settling in and truth be told, I don't know that we are. Aaron goes off to work each day for 10 -12 hours and Olivia and I fill the days with a little of this and that. A bike ride to the grocery store, swimming at the Y, too many videos of Shaun the Sheep.
I have had few conversations with people here, being that I am mostly chaperoning a 2 year-old. Still, a surprising number of people have managed to insert the word "Yankee" into an otherwise innocuous sentence. It's done in a "just kidding y'all" way, but I end up reacting internally like "yeah, put it there pal!" Less Yankee and more Philadelphia.
The house is still a hot mess. You'd have thought we'd just arrived yesterday rather than 3 weeks ago. It makes me crazy and unsettled to have it this way, but it is flat-out boring for Olivia to watch me unpack, so we end up playing rather than getting things in order.
The last two nights I read a whole book. It was a great feeling to have that head space back and to realize that Olivia is reaching a stage where I can back off a bit and regain some of my old muscles.
So what do I think of Charlotte so far? Couldn't tell you. Our little patch of green is good for the kid and the dog, so we'll start with that and see where it leads.
Monday, May 17, 2010
We Are Not Lawn People
This I have learned after a week in Charlotte. I suppose this shouldn't have surprised anybody. Aaron grew up in a desert and I grew up with no front yard and a back yard that was mostly marsh. The intervening years for both of us have been mostly in cities. Neither of us felt any sort of hankering to get back to the land, if anything we'd prefer to be closer to take-out.
Our neighbors on all sides and across the street have well-tended yards, indeed since I have been here all have mowed at least once. Our backyard is a jungle in comparison and we don't own a mower. Every day or so we look at it and comment that we really need to do something about it before it rains again. I have more than once not been able to find the dog because she was laying down in the tall grass and therefore out of view.
We are probably not going to do anything crazy -- like buy a mower -- but we haven't even asked a neighbor kid if he wants to make some extra money by doing our lawn occasionally. There just seem to be so many better pursuits.
Our first week was marred somewhat by Olivia getting sick with a virus and spiking a temperature. Of course we hadn't yet found a pediatrician, so we ended up at the ER with her shaking and vomiting and Aaron and I scared and unsure. Four days and four sleepless nights later she is still not back to her old self and the house remains in a state of neither here nor there. Everybody is tired and disoriented. Boxes are unpacked in each room, there's a big bare spot in the kitchen where a table and chairs should be and instead a trampoline sits.
I feel like an anthropologist at times. In some ways Charlotte seems more foreign than some other countries I have been to. Quite a few times I have been completely unable to understand what someone has said beneath their southern accent. At those times I have this sort of split reaction of feeling idiotic on one hand and on the other wondering "was that just English I heard? What the...?"
A series of "you're not in the Bay Area anymore": This week the NRA had their big annual conference here at their HQ and NASCAR is having it's season opener as well. The Charlotte Tea Party had a rally. Rednecks and redneck wanna-bes are everywhere with slogan t-shirts and incomprehensible placards. There are more churches than you can shake a stick at, and yet my uncharitable thought upon seeing so many was to wonder why Charlotte still has a higher-than-average crime rate?
In that same anthropologist vein: people are much nicer here. They take time to answer questions and acknowledge you with a wave and a smile when they drive by and you are walking. They say "how you doing?" rather than hello. The pace is slower and transactions are less -- well, transactional. The drivers are generally polite and somewhat hesitant almost, rather than trying to get somewhere as fast as possible.
I expect, when in Africa say, to not expect things to be like home. In the southern US I kind of expect more continuity. Example: I have been hunting for my favorite snack, freeze-dried apples, which are readily available in California or CT. Went to 4 different grocery chains -- from high-end to discount -- looking for them and found nada. I finally asked an employee in the produce department if they carried freeze-dried fruit and he thought I meant just dried fruit. When I clarified it he said, not meanly but not smilingly either, "you must be from California or some such place."
I got back in my car frustrated at not being able to find something that is not a specialty item, it's just fruit for God's sake, and a simple pleasure for me. Ended up almost in tears at feeling again like the new kid in school after so many years of it. I really want friends here and a community for us. There have been so many desires deferred these last three years that waiting, even to orient, is a rock in my shoe.
Our neighbors on all sides and across the street have well-tended yards, indeed since I have been here all have mowed at least once. Our backyard is a jungle in comparison and we don't own a mower. Every day or so we look at it and comment that we really need to do something about it before it rains again. I have more than once not been able to find the dog because she was laying down in the tall grass and therefore out of view.
We are probably not going to do anything crazy -- like buy a mower -- but we haven't even asked a neighbor kid if he wants to make some extra money by doing our lawn occasionally. There just seem to be so many better pursuits.
Our first week was marred somewhat by Olivia getting sick with a virus and spiking a temperature. Of course we hadn't yet found a pediatrician, so we ended up at the ER with her shaking and vomiting and Aaron and I scared and unsure. Four days and four sleepless nights later she is still not back to her old self and the house remains in a state of neither here nor there. Everybody is tired and disoriented. Boxes are unpacked in each room, there's a big bare spot in the kitchen where a table and chairs should be and instead a trampoline sits.
I feel like an anthropologist at times. In some ways Charlotte seems more foreign than some other countries I have been to. Quite a few times I have been completely unable to understand what someone has said beneath their southern accent. At those times I have this sort of split reaction of feeling idiotic on one hand and on the other wondering "was that just English I heard? What the...?"
A series of "you're not in the Bay Area anymore": This week the NRA had their big annual conference here at their HQ and NASCAR is having it's season opener as well. The Charlotte Tea Party had a rally. Rednecks and redneck wanna-bes are everywhere with slogan t-shirts and incomprehensible placards. There are more churches than you can shake a stick at, and yet my uncharitable thought upon seeing so many was to wonder why Charlotte still has a higher-than-average crime rate?
In that same anthropologist vein: people are much nicer here. They take time to answer questions and acknowledge you with a wave and a smile when they drive by and you are walking. They say "how you doing?" rather than hello. The pace is slower and transactions are less -- well, transactional. The drivers are generally polite and somewhat hesitant almost, rather than trying to get somewhere as fast as possible.
I expect, when in Africa say, to not expect things to be like home. In the southern US I kind of expect more continuity. Example: I have been hunting for my favorite snack, freeze-dried apples, which are readily available in California or CT. Went to 4 different grocery chains -- from high-end to discount -- looking for them and found nada. I finally asked an employee in the produce department if they carried freeze-dried fruit and he thought I meant just dried fruit. When I clarified it he said, not meanly but not smilingly either, "you must be from California or some such place."
I got back in my car frustrated at not being able to find something that is not a specialty item, it's just fruit for God's sake, and a simple pleasure for me. Ended up almost in tears at feeling again like the new kid in school after so many years of it. I really want friends here and a community for us. There have been so many desires deferred these last three years that waiting, even to orient, is a rock in my shoe.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Home Again?
Arrived here in Charlotte on Mother's Day. Truck with all our belongings had arrived the day before and the house was piled high with boxes. New Home, take 3.
Every day Olivia has said "I want to go home." Each time we tell her "You are home. Mommy and Daddy and Sadie are here. This is home." This does not mesh with a 2 year-old's logic. Then where is the playground? Where are her friends? No, can't be home.
Aaron is still getting the lay of the land in his workplace. He finally got his ID badge so he can go to the loo unescorted and his log-on IDs so he can have access to all the databases he needs.
I got a call from a recruiter yesterday for the first time in probably a year or more. It was for a job that I wasn't any kind of fit for, but I thought it was a good portend.
It was a good thing it was not a good fit because I was so out of practice talking about my professional experience that it was clear I need to do some warm-ups. And figure out what I want/can do in this weird economy. Is there a job for me out there? Hellloooo?!
Every day Olivia has said "I want to go home." Each time we tell her "You are home. Mommy and Daddy and Sadie are here. This is home." This does not mesh with a 2 year-old's logic. Then where is the playground? Where are her friends? No, can't be home.
Aaron is still getting the lay of the land in his workplace. He finally got his ID badge so he can go to the loo unescorted and his log-on IDs so he can have access to all the databases he needs.
I got a call from a recruiter yesterday for the first time in probably a year or more. It was for a job that I wasn't any kind of fit for, but I thought it was a good portend.
It was a good thing it was not a good fit because I was so out of practice talking about my professional experience that it was clear I need to do some warm-ups. And figure out what I want/can do in this weird economy. Is there a job for me out there? Hellloooo?!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Keys
I had the realization recently that I have no keys to anything. I mean, I do have a car key but the car is in North Carolina and I am in CT. Gave back the keys to the apartment in CA and awaiting keys for the new place in Charlotte.
Aaron secured us a home over the weekend; the pictures look lovely. I am really curious as to what Charlotte will be like. I have spent relatively little time in the south and I wonder and worry whether I will fit in.
Haven't been able to imagine life there yet; it all seems a figment. Been researching child care centers and activities for Olivia (and me) to participate in. She is such a social creature I think she'll need to be involved with something soon. I am ready to be involved with something too, ready to throw off the chains of isolation and hesitation!
Aaron secured us a home over the weekend; the pictures look lovely. I am really curious as to what Charlotte will be like. I have spent relatively little time in the south and I wonder and worry whether I will fit in.
Haven't been able to imagine life there yet; it all seems a figment. Been researching child care centers and activities for Olivia (and me) to participate in. She is such a social creature I think she'll need to be involved with something soon. I am ready to be involved with something too, ready to throw off the chains of isolation and hesitation!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Homeward Bound?
Olivia and I have been in CT a week now and she is still asking for her father and her dog every few hours. I don't know what to tell her beyond "they are together and Daddy is finding us a new home." It seems an inadequate explanation but the best I can offer a two year-old.
Today I spent a good chunk of time reorganizing the boxes we sent ourselves from CA. They arrived in desperate shape: most of the boxes were split open at the corners and much of the contents were exposed and damaged. I brought two car loads of boxes to the storage locker to join our other possessions waiting for a permanent home.
Aaron is enjoying his time in North Carolina and had a good time driving cross-country with Sadie. I miss him and am ready to join him and start our life's next chapter. We've been in limbo so long that starting to build something substantive seems a bit dreamlike.
One thing I am clear about: more than anything else, what I want out of Charlotte is some good friends. I have managed to keep a few friends from wherever I have lived but that means I haven't had many friends really close by. We also haven't added any friends to our circle since we've been married and it would be nice to have friends that we've made together.
I have done a terrible job of contacting people since we left CA. Here I am bemoaning the want of friends and I am finding it so hard to stay in touch. I feel so distracted it's hard for me to be tuned in to more than my daughter's welfare. We woke up feeling under the weather today, Olivia's nose hasn't stopped running and it's chilly out. A day to stay tucked under the covers with a cup of tea and a book.
Charlotte is already quite warm now and my skin is craving the change. And then I'll be happy to be a lizard on a rock, soaking up the warmth and not moving.
Today I spent a good chunk of time reorganizing the boxes we sent ourselves from CA. They arrived in desperate shape: most of the boxes were split open at the corners and much of the contents were exposed and damaged. I brought two car loads of boxes to the storage locker to join our other possessions waiting for a permanent home.
Aaron is enjoying his time in North Carolina and had a good time driving cross-country with Sadie. I miss him and am ready to join him and start our life's next chapter. We've been in limbo so long that starting to build something substantive seems a bit dreamlike.
One thing I am clear about: more than anything else, what I want out of Charlotte is some good friends. I have managed to keep a few friends from wherever I have lived but that means I haven't had many friends really close by. We also haven't added any friends to our circle since we've been married and it would be nice to have friends that we've made together.
I have done a terrible job of contacting people since we left CA. Here I am bemoaning the want of friends and I am finding it so hard to stay in touch. I feel so distracted it's hard for me to be tuned in to more than my daughter's welfare. We woke up feeling under the weather today, Olivia's nose hasn't stopped running and it's chilly out. A day to stay tucked under the covers with a cup of tea and a book.
Charlotte is already quite warm now and my skin is craving the change. And then I'll be happy to be a lizard on a rock, soaking up the warmth and not moving.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Ciao Bella
We are out of here this evening. Things have been so weather vane-y that from Monday to Wednesday our departure estimate changed greatly.
Though I knew we were leaving imminently I had said to Aaron that I didn't want to leave before this Sunday. I had a long-scheduled lunch planned with a friend who I hadn't seen in a year and I just didn't think I could get us packed up by Saturday. Well, soon after I said that Aaron purchased a ticket for us to leave on a red-eye tonight, leaving us 2 days to pack up and ship all our belongings. I had to send a mass e-mail to say goodbye to all my Bay Area friends.
I am sadder than I'd expected. I had really hoped to have a chance to connect with my friends before we bugged out. I am looking forward to living in Charlotte but everything it has taken to bring it off has left me depleted.
Yesterday my friend Maurine came over for a few hours to help me out and visit with her goddaughter. What a lifesaver she was! I have been adding to my stress by being hard on myself for how poorly I have been handling it all. She reminded me that I have to put on my own oxygen mask before I can help others.
So we have taken Sadie to get her check-up, forwarded our mail, scrubbed behind the fridge and done all the other leaving town tasks. Aaron and I are like racing cars speeding by each other on the track occasionally. No time for he and I to visit and connect before we head to our separate points east.
Just after the superintendent had come by today to do the walk-through on our apartment Olivia shit on the carpet in the living room. And the hallway. And in her socks. I brought her into the bathroom and told her to not move while I found SOMETHING not already packed up to clean her with. Of course, she moved, and got herself even filthier and the just-cleaned bathroom dirty too.
I lost it. Had the stupidest angry reaction and my poor daughter just pulled her mouth down into a sad frown. I felt 2 inches tall. No oxygen mask in sight. Then after I had given her a bath and put diaper cream on her, but before I could get her diaper on, she exuberantly ran around the room and plopped herself on the clothes I'd just taken out of the dryer. White greasy diaper cream on everything.
I brought the basket of laundry back upstairs to the laundry room but forgot the money downstairs. Out-loud I kept repeating "Please, something needs to go right." Stormed back downstairs and nearly ran into one of our neighbors. He asked if I was OK and I said no. With a patient smile he graciously stopped to chat for a bit about our next chapter and wished me well with a goodbye hug. So a little of bit oxygen got through.
Forward is all we've got. Hopefully in the next few days I can wrap my head around Phase 2 of this move: getting our belongings from CT to Charlotte, then once there making connections and, please-oh-please, finding a job for myself. I need something for just me.
Though I knew we were leaving imminently I had said to Aaron that I didn't want to leave before this Sunday. I had a long-scheduled lunch planned with a friend who I hadn't seen in a year and I just didn't think I could get us packed up by Saturday. Well, soon after I said that Aaron purchased a ticket for us to leave on a red-eye tonight, leaving us 2 days to pack up and ship all our belongings. I had to send a mass e-mail to say goodbye to all my Bay Area friends.
I am sadder than I'd expected. I had really hoped to have a chance to connect with my friends before we bugged out. I am looking forward to living in Charlotte but everything it has taken to bring it off has left me depleted.
Yesterday my friend Maurine came over for a few hours to help me out and visit with her goddaughter. What a lifesaver she was! I have been adding to my stress by being hard on myself for how poorly I have been handling it all. She reminded me that I have to put on my own oxygen mask before I can help others.
So we have taken Sadie to get her check-up, forwarded our mail, scrubbed behind the fridge and done all the other leaving town tasks. Aaron and I are like racing cars speeding by each other on the track occasionally. No time for he and I to visit and connect before we head to our separate points east.
Just after the superintendent had come by today to do the walk-through on our apartment Olivia shit on the carpet in the living room. And the hallway. And in her socks. I brought her into the bathroom and told her to not move while I found SOMETHING not already packed up to clean her with. Of course, she moved, and got herself even filthier and the just-cleaned bathroom dirty too.
I lost it. Had the stupidest angry reaction and my poor daughter just pulled her mouth down into a sad frown. I felt 2 inches tall. No oxygen mask in sight. Then after I had given her a bath and put diaper cream on her, but before I could get her diaper on, she exuberantly ran around the room and plopped herself on the clothes I'd just taken out of the dryer. White greasy diaper cream on everything.
I brought the basket of laundry back upstairs to the laundry room but forgot the money downstairs. Out-loud I kept repeating "Please, something needs to go right." Stormed back downstairs and nearly ran into one of our neighbors. He asked if I was OK and I said no. With a patient smile he graciously stopped to chat for a bit about our next chapter and wished me well with a goodbye hug. So a little of bit oxygen got through.
Forward is all we've got. Hopefully in the next few days I can wrap my head around Phase 2 of this move: getting our belongings from CT to Charlotte, then once there making connections and, please-oh-please, finding a job for myself. I need something for just me.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Now And Again
Without having relocation money in hand, without having Aaron's background check complete, we have started closing down our time in California.
We went to Easter Vigil last night, assuming it was our last time at our church -- at least for a long while. We went to eat at a great steak restaurant where they dote upon Olivia. We gave notice to our apartment management company and began boxing and cleaning the apartment on April Fool's Day, wondering if we weren't perhaps being fools.
On one hand we want to be proactive, on the other hand we don't want to be caught flat-footed in case something doesn't work out in the 11th hour.
We went to Easter Vigil last night, assuming it was our last time at our church -- at least for a long while. We went to eat at a great steak restaurant where they dote upon Olivia. We gave notice to our apartment management company and began boxing and cleaning the apartment on April Fool's Day, wondering if we weren't perhaps being fools.
On one hand we want to be proactive, on the other hand we don't want to be caught flat-footed in case something doesn't work out in the 11th hour.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Crickets
No update on the job front. Aaron is still being contacted daily by recruiters and has another 2 interviews coming up, but no offer yet.
With Aaron not working I have had more help with Olivia and a grown-up to talk to during the day, so nice win for me. He has all of the stress still of trying to provide while I have the buffer of complete resignation that I will ever work again.
Plus, Olivia is at a really fun age and the weather has been great so it's been fun to go to the park and swing or slide in the sun. Close as we'll get to a vacation and it's kind of felt that way.
Once again I am glad we are not back in the city. The weather is better in the East Bay and I see how much my mood is positively affected. Easier to be hopeful when you are not cold.
Olivia is hopped up on Popsicles and soda so I gotta go clean her up.
With Aaron not working I have had more help with Olivia and a grown-up to talk to during the day, so nice win for me. He has all of the stress still of trying to provide while I have the buffer of complete resignation that I will ever work again.
Plus, Olivia is at a really fun age and the weather has been great so it's been fun to go to the park and swing or slide in the sun. Close as we'll get to a vacation and it's kind of felt that way.
Once again I am glad we are not back in the city. The weather is better in the East Bay and I see how much my mood is positively affected. Easier to be hopeful when you are not cold.
Olivia is hopped up on Popsicles and soda so I gotta go clean her up.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Day 2
Sunday we decided we finally needed to pull the proverbial Band-Aid off and wean Olivia from her bedtime bottle. We had been procrastinating on it, knowing that it would mean no sleep for anyone.
If we'd thought it through, it might have made sense to not do it as daylight savings was beginning, as there was an extra hour lost. Plus, on Monday Aaron had to get up at 3AM to make a 6AM flight out of San Jose for a job interview in Denver. Aaron was quiet as he left that morning, but Olivia and I both wakened and didn't get back to sleep until 7AM which meant a recipe for disaster.
Sure enough, Olivia's nap time was way off and she was so exhausted she cried for nearly two hours without going to sleep. By dinner time she was a hysterical mess and I was not far behind her. She cried for another hour and a half that evening and finally passed out around 9:30PM -- just as Aaron returned from his trip. Everyone was so exhausted that I finally got the download today as to how it went for him.
Today Aaron was supposed to have definitively heard from the company he interviewed with as to whether he was getting an offer or not; no word though. He has another interview tomorrow for a contract position down in Santa Clara.
Meanwhile I try to keep the home-fires burning. This afternoon I went out to purchase a new belt for myself. As I was searching several stores I caught sight of myself in a store mirror and was aghast. I truly looked homeless. Shoes caked with mud, hair uncombed, pants that were too small and dirty, a t-shirt with a mismatched sweater vest over it.
For once I was relieved to hardly know anyone in this area because I would have been run-and-hide embarrassed to see anyone I know. One of the things I consciously guarded against was becoming one of those wives or mothers who appeared to have given up. Today I had "given up" written all over me. Sigh. I thought of the quote "Sometimes courage is the small voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'" So here's me, at nearly midnight, screwing up my courage.
Aaron and I recently started a new practice that I'd been wanting to institute called "roses and thorns". At the end of each day we tell each other the high points and low points. Since Aaron fell asleep while getting the kid down without a bottle, I'll share with you. Low points: looking like a bag lady, being late from shopping so that Aaron missed soccer practice. High points: finding a pair of black pants that fit me well on the clearance rack, hearing my husband tell me that today he felt happy for the first time in weeks.
If we'd thought it through, it might have made sense to not do it as daylight savings was beginning, as there was an extra hour lost. Plus, on Monday Aaron had to get up at 3AM to make a 6AM flight out of San Jose for a job interview in Denver. Aaron was quiet as he left that morning, but Olivia and I both wakened and didn't get back to sleep until 7AM which meant a recipe for disaster.
Sure enough, Olivia's nap time was way off and she was so exhausted she cried for nearly two hours without going to sleep. By dinner time she was a hysterical mess and I was not far behind her. She cried for another hour and a half that evening and finally passed out around 9:30PM -- just as Aaron returned from his trip. Everyone was so exhausted that I finally got the download today as to how it went for him.
Today Aaron was supposed to have definitively heard from the company he interviewed with as to whether he was getting an offer or not; no word though. He has another interview tomorrow for a contract position down in Santa Clara.
Meanwhile I try to keep the home-fires burning. This afternoon I went out to purchase a new belt for myself. As I was searching several stores I caught sight of myself in a store mirror and was aghast. I truly looked homeless. Shoes caked with mud, hair uncombed, pants that were too small and dirty, a t-shirt with a mismatched sweater vest over it.
For once I was relieved to hardly know anyone in this area because I would have been run-and-hide embarrassed to see anyone I know. One of the things I consciously guarded against was becoming one of those wives or mothers who appeared to have given up. Today I had "given up" written all over me. Sigh. I thought of the quote "Sometimes courage is the small voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'" So here's me, at nearly midnight, screwing up my courage.
Aaron and I recently started a new practice that I'd been wanting to institute called "roses and thorns". At the end of each day we tell each other the high points and low points. Since Aaron fell asleep while getting the kid down without a bottle, I'll share with you. Low points: looking like a bag lady, being late from shopping so that Aaron missed soccer practice. High points: finding a pair of black pants that fit me well on the clearance rack, hearing my husband tell me that today he felt happy for the first time in weeks.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Betwixter and Betweener
Lots of concerned follow-up to Aaron's interview in North Carolina. Wish I had more to tell people than "We are waiting to hear back." He has another interview in a week or so in Colorado for a different company -- provided they purchase the ticket. We still haven't been reimbursed for Aaron's trip to Charlotte.
We are done with California, put a fork in it. The other night when Olivia started getting sick I went on a late-night drugstore run to get her some supplies. As I came out of the store I was accosted by a frantic woman looking for a ride to the subway. Her mom was in the hospital and she needed to get there fast. During the short ride the woman turned to me, thanked me for giving her a ride, then said "Excuse me. I am not from here, I'm from Chicago, but people here are really mean!"
She went on to say more about her situation -- which was pretty grim. I wanted to laugh at her comment but didn't want her to think that I was making fun of her plight. She'd said just what Aaron and I have said many times. Californians are a rude, self-absorbed bunch. I don't know whether we will end up in Charlotte or not, but I look forward to living in a place where there is at least superficial politeness and friendliness.
After I got home with the various nostrums, Olivia got worse and around 4AM we took her into the hospital. She'd been vomiting and had over a 102 fever. Turns out she had another ear infection and she got oral antibiotics at the hospital plus another two prescriptions. She is feeling better today but is still labile and cranky so I don't think she is fully up to snuff.
I am working on reprogramming my head. Until my thinking changes to the positive I know I won't see positive results. I figure it's like losing weight or anything else you want to overcome: commitment and diligence and a willingness for things to be better than your might be able to imagine now.
We are done with California, put a fork in it. The other night when Olivia started getting sick I went on a late-night drugstore run to get her some supplies. As I came out of the store I was accosted by a frantic woman looking for a ride to the subway. Her mom was in the hospital and she needed to get there fast. During the short ride the woman turned to me, thanked me for giving her a ride, then said "Excuse me. I am not from here, I'm from Chicago, but people here are really mean!"
She went on to say more about her situation -- which was pretty grim. I wanted to laugh at her comment but didn't want her to think that I was making fun of her plight. She'd said just what Aaron and I have said many times. Californians are a rude, self-absorbed bunch. I don't know whether we will end up in Charlotte or not, but I look forward to living in a place where there is at least superficial politeness and friendliness.
After I got home with the various nostrums, Olivia got worse and around 4AM we took her into the hospital. She'd been vomiting and had over a 102 fever. Turns out she had another ear infection and she got oral antibiotics at the hospital plus another two prescriptions. She is feeling better today but is still labile and cranky so I don't think she is fully up to snuff.
I am working on reprogramming my head. Until my thinking changes to the positive I know I won't see positive results. I figure it's like losing weight or anything else you want to overcome: commitment and diligence and a willingness for things to be better than your might be able to imagine now.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Birthday Babe
Today Olliepop turned 2 -- much to the surprise of many. How on earth can that much time have passed from when she was a little peanut? She got lots of lovely gifts and, predictably, seemed to have the most fun with a large cardboard box.
Last weekend my dear friend Jon was in town from LA so we had a little birthday 'do for Olivia in the city and went to the park on a beautiful sunny day. Olivia got to do some urban west coast sledding on a piece of cardboard down an asphalt slope.
Today was an ice cream cake with Mike, Olivia's godfather, and lots of calls from the east coast wishing Miss O a happy day. She still has chocolate smeared on her, so we have to assume she's happy. Twice today she said the word "brontosaurus" clearly. No one believes me, but she even pointed to the dinosaur with the long neck, and anyway you weren't there and I was and I heard it.
In the background of birthday festivities Olivia's parents are in a fierce struggle to stay present. My back hurts me all the time now, my shoulders are up by my ears, and Aaron sleeps anytime he is not actively engaged with something. We are embodying the old "rearranging the deck chairs on the Titantic." Not to say we aren't taking practical steps to change our circumstance, we are. But it is with the sense that it's too late, we've taken in too much water, so may as well enjoy some cake with our daughter.
Last weekend my dear friend Jon was in town from LA so we had a little birthday 'do for Olivia in the city and went to the park on a beautiful sunny day. Olivia got to do some urban west coast sledding on a piece of cardboard down an asphalt slope.
Today was an ice cream cake with Mike, Olivia's godfather, and lots of calls from the east coast wishing Miss O a happy day. She still has chocolate smeared on her, so we have to assume she's happy. Twice today she said the word "brontosaurus" clearly. No one believes me, but she even pointed to the dinosaur with the long neck, and anyway you weren't there and I was and I heard it.
In the background of birthday festivities Olivia's parents are in a fierce struggle to stay present. My back hurts me all the time now, my shoulders are up by my ears, and Aaron sleeps anytime he is not actively engaged with something. We are embodying the old "rearranging the deck chairs on the Titantic." Not to say we aren't taking practical steps to change our circumstance, we are. But it is with the sense that it's too late, we've taken in too much water, so may as well enjoy some cake with our daughter.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The Waiting Game
Aaron's interview went really well and he is expecting an offer. His time in Charlotte was spent meeting people who were selling him on the place rather than interviewing him, which is very hopeful.
The folks he met with said to expect an offer but also expect it to take about 5 weeks. So he kind of had whiplash from the excitement of a prospective job offer combined with the anxiety of how will we make it until then?
Since his return we have been full-bore plotting our escape from the Bay Area. We are both lighter just at the idea of it. We've already told Olivia that she cannot develop a southern accent. We haven't yet told Sadie that she might get to return to snow; she'd never forgive us if we reneged.
Meanwhile, as we await clarity I advance this project I am working on by baby steps. My focus isn't there. It's on what to pack, what to ship, what to sell.
The folks he met with said to expect an offer but also expect it to take about 5 weeks. So he kind of had whiplash from the excitement of a prospective job offer combined with the anxiety of how will we make it until then?
Since his return we have been full-bore plotting our escape from the Bay Area. We are both lighter just at the idea of it. We've already told Olivia that she cannot develop a southern accent. We haven't yet told Sadie that she might get to return to snow; she'd never forgive us if we reneged.
Meanwhile, as we await clarity I advance this project I am working on by baby steps. My focus isn't there. It's on what to pack, what to ship, what to sell.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
And a-one and a-two
We are trying to dance with our situation and not combat it. We realized that we were exhausting ourselves trying to prevent catastrophe and it might be less jarring to take a Tai Chi approach.
Aaron is in North Carolina interviewing for a job in Charlotte. He interviewed for a position in San Francisco yesterday which went really well. It gave him some of his confidence back before he left for Charlotte this morning, which he well needed.
Perhaps predictably, the company Aaron is interviewing with did not front the expenses for the trip and will instead reimburse him. They already warned him that the reimbursement process takes a very long time, which put us in a true quandary, as we haven't had any cash reserves for ages.
With a sense of pulling the ripcord we maxed out our last card and bought a ticket, hotel and rental car for North Carolina. Only time will tell us if this is a free fall or a jump off a cliff.
We are really excited at the prospect of being back on the east coast, even that far south, and are trying to not count our chickens before they are hatched. Especially hard for me to sit still and let things unfold. I am 10 steps ahead worrying about background checks and relocation packages; I already made up a flyer to post in our complex for the stuff we would sell.
Yet this week is one of mundanity. The project I am on is stalled, waiting on someone else's deliverable. Olivia had a severe reaction to a penicillin she was taking for an ear infection and we had to make an unscheduled visit to the pediatrician. She looks like a walking pomegranate, her skin is so livid with rash.
We had to leave the house at 4AM this morning to bring Aaron to the airport. It completely messed with Olivia's sleep schedule, she slept late, took no nap and went to bed at her usual time after coming undone the hour previously. We were both strung taut this afternoon.
It's quiet now. The hoodlum at the front parking lot, blasting his car stereo for blocks, has finally moved on. It's just me and the hum of the various computers, the snorting and wheezing of my dog, the stirrings of my anxieties and hopes.
Aaron is in North Carolina interviewing for a job in Charlotte. He interviewed for a position in San Francisco yesterday which went really well. It gave him some of his confidence back before he left for Charlotte this morning, which he well needed.
Perhaps predictably, the company Aaron is interviewing with did not front the expenses for the trip and will instead reimburse him. They already warned him that the reimbursement process takes a very long time, which put us in a true quandary, as we haven't had any cash reserves for ages.
With a sense of pulling the ripcord we maxed out our last card and bought a ticket, hotel and rental car for North Carolina. Only time will tell us if this is a free fall or a jump off a cliff.
We are really excited at the prospect of being back on the east coast, even that far south, and are trying to not count our chickens before they are hatched. Especially hard for me to sit still and let things unfold. I am 10 steps ahead worrying about background checks and relocation packages; I already made up a flyer to post in our complex for the stuff we would sell.
Yet this week is one of mundanity. The project I am on is stalled, waiting on someone else's deliverable. Olivia had a severe reaction to a penicillin she was taking for an ear infection and we had to make an unscheduled visit to the pediatrician. She looks like a walking pomegranate, her skin is so livid with rash.
We had to leave the house at 4AM this morning to bring Aaron to the airport. It completely messed with Olivia's sleep schedule, she slept late, took no nap and went to bed at her usual time after coming undone the hour previously. We were both strung taut this afternoon.
It's quiet now. The hoodlum at the front parking lot, blasting his car stereo for blocks, has finally moved on. It's just me and the hum of the various computers, the snorting and wheezing of my dog, the stirrings of my anxieties and hopes.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Contrasts
This morning we all went into the city together. I went to Mass and then to the hospital to do my monthly volunteer work. Aaron took the kid and the dog to the park so everyone could romp.
As I sat in the pew waiting for Mass to begin I chatted with George, another parishioner. He asked how I was doing and I mentioned we were betwixt and between with our incomes and career. He mentioned that his son Will had cancer and how very frightened he was for the first time in his life.
Then the homily was delivered by one of the substitute priests who I didn't know. He had a campy style that took some getting used to. But once he got his momentum he spoke of the need to not cast God in our own image, to not expect God to instantly give us everything we expect or pray for. To look for God's presence when you've lost your job, failed a test, got a poor prognosis. George and I looked at each other and nodded.
Then I walked up the hill from the church to the hospital and did my ministry rounds. One of my patients was a nun. It makes me nervous when my patients are clergy, I feel as though I were asked to cook for Julia Child.
As always after volunteering, I came out of the hospital feeling buoyed and calm. Called Aaron to see where he was and learned (a) he was at the beach (b)he has some news (c) he'd tell me when he picked me up.
When I leaned in to the car the first thing I noticed was Olivia bundled up in a towel. Sadie was all wet. Aaron wasn't wearing shoes. In January. The "news" was that Sadie and Olivia had been enjoying themselves immensely running up and down the shoreline, then Sadie began to peel off in a different direction. As Aaron turned to get her back Olivia got whacked by a wave and pulled into the surf.
Aaron immediately jumped in the water and grabbed Olivia out. She was upset and soaked through. Sadie was nowhere around. Aaron managed to get everyone back up to the parking lot, got Olivia into dry clothes, got Sadie back. That's when I called in all chirpy.
After Aaron had picked me up and we were driving for a bit he got sort of cloudy-headed and agitated. All the fear and anger about his ability to provide and protect coalesced. He's trying to fix this goddamn financial hole we're in and sees no light. He takes his family to the beach on the first sunny day in weeks and sees his baby swept up by a wave.
At a loss, I offered my experience with today's homily. He pulled the car over to the side of the road and we ate some snacks and tried to regroup. Olivia was already way past it and was clowning around in the back seat. Sadie searched frantically for any bits of dropped food. We felt the heat of the sun warm the car and watched a rollerblader glide past.
After a bit we drove home back over the bridge and the whole pack laid down for a nap. Aaron and I got up soon afterward and talked about what we could sell, what else we could do without, what does God look like in a dark room?
As I sat in the pew waiting for Mass to begin I chatted with George, another parishioner. He asked how I was doing and I mentioned we were betwixt and between with our incomes and career. He mentioned that his son Will had cancer and how very frightened he was for the first time in his life.
Then the homily was delivered by one of the substitute priests who I didn't know. He had a campy style that took some getting used to. But once he got his momentum he spoke of the need to not cast God in our own image, to not expect God to instantly give us everything we expect or pray for. To look for God's presence when you've lost your job, failed a test, got a poor prognosis. George and I looked at each other and nodded.
Then I walked up the hill from the church to the hospital and did my ministry rounds. One of my patients was a nun. It makes me nervous when my patients are clergy, I feel as though I were asked to cook for Julia Child.
As always after volunteering, I came out of the hospital feeling buoyed and calm. Called Aaron to see where he was and learned (a) he was at the beach (b)he has some news (c) he'd tell me when he picked me up.
When I leaned in to the car the first thing I noticed was Olivia bundled up in a towel. Sadie was all wet. Aaron wasn't wearing shoes. In January. The "news" was that Sadie and Olivia had been enjoying themselves immensely running up and down the shoreline, then Sadie began to peel off in a different direction. As Aaron turned to get her back Olivia got whacked by a wave and pulled into the surf.
Aaron immediately jumped in the water and grabbed Olivia out. She was upset and soaked through. Sadie was nowhere around. Aaron managed to get everyone back up to the parking lot, got Olivia into dry clothes, got Sadie back. That's when I called in all chirpy.
After Aaron had picked me up and we were driving for a bit he got sort of cloudy-headed and agitated. All the fear and anger about his ability to provide and protect coalesced. He's trying to fix this goddamn financial hole we're in and sees no light. He takes his family to the beach on the first sunny day in weeks and sees his baby swept up by a wave.
At a loss, I offered my experience with today's homily. He pulled the car over to the side of the road and we ate some snacks and tried to regroup. Olivia was already way past it and was clowning around in the back seat. Sadie searched frantically for any bits of dropped food. We felt the heat of the sun warm the car and watched a rollerblader glide past.
After a bit we drove home back over the bridge and the whole pack laid down for a nap. Aaron and I got up soon afterward and talked about what we could sell, what else we could do without, what does God look like in a dark room?
Friday, January 29, 2010
Keepin' On
Since Aaron hasn't been working we are spending more home time together and trying to give each other space has been a challenge. Aaron has been fielding lots of calls from recruiters and making himself sick with worry as to whether any will turn into an offer in time. None of them are in the Bay Area, so if he gets an offer we'd have to move again. On one hand, I look around this apartment and think "meh, not much here I want to keep." And then I get anxious about another big start-over, especially if it is in a place where I know no one.
I continue to plug away at this little consulting project --though I had a real crisis of confidence with it this week and Aaron talked me off the ledge, so good thing he was home.
I continue to plug away at this little consulting project --though I had a real crisis of confidence with it this week and Aaron talked me off the ledge, so good thing he was home.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Back To The Drawing Board
Last year at this time we were packing up the place in CT, putting our things in storage, and setting off in our little car with heavy hearts to a situation of ambiguity. All we knew is that we needed to keep our new little family intact while we searched for an opportunity to better our circumstances.
And a year later it's no more settled for us. As an example: I installed a curtain in our bedroom a few days ago--8 months after we moved in. My dresser drawer is a cardboard FedEx box. We are still literally living out of suitcases. After a few weeks of steady paychecks Aaron's project was canceled and he is again looking for work. Today he slept most of the day and I did chores. We are careful with each other as though we were china tea cups.
I think we are actually pretty resilient considering we are still in precarious financial straits, we are living in another apartment we dislike, we feel isolated from community. Not such a difference a year makes, and yet we are facing in the same direction now.
Except that in a few weeks our daughter turns two! She is our bright munchkin, asking incessant questions and breaking into dance steps every now and again. She is better than I ever could have imagined; I still can't quite believe I produced such a beautiful, funny, charming creature.
Olivia got sick over the weekend with a cold and an ear infection. She was clingy and quiet most of yesterday. It's been raining for weeks and yesterday was no different. We waited 45 minutes in the doctor's office and the whole time my soggy little girl sat quietly on my lap. She's back to her bouncy self today with the aid of antibiotics.
I am taking things in small bites. I can't seem to again address where to live, how to secure work, what kind of community will I participate in. Aaron naps, I check out by immersing myself in the everyday housewife-y duties, and we remind each other that we will get through this too.
And a year later it's no more settled for us. As an example: I installed a curtain in our bedroom a few days ago--8 months after we moved in. My dresser drawer is a cardboard FedEx box. We are still literally living out of suitcases. After a few weeks of steady paychecks Aaron's project was canceled and he is again looking for work. Today he slept most of the day and I did chores. We are careful with each other as though we were china tea cups.
I think we are actually pretty resilient considering we are still in precarious financial straits, we are living in another apartment we dislike, we feel isolated from community. Not such a difference a year makes, and yet we are facing in the same direction now.
Except that in a few weeks our daughter turns two! She is our bright munchkin, asking incessant questions and breaking into dance steps every now and again. She is better than I ever could have imagined; I still can't quite believe I produced such a beautiful, funny, charming creature.
Olivia got sick over the weekend with a cold and an ear infection. She was clingy and quiet most of yesterday. It's been raining for weeks and yesterday was no different. We waited 45 minutes in the doctor's office and the whole time my soggy little girl sat quietly on my lap. She's back to her bouncy self today with the aid of antibiotics.
I am taking things in small bites. I can't seem to again address where to live, how to secure work, what kind of community will I participate in. Aaron naps, I check out by immersing myself in the everyday housewife-y duties, and we remind each other that we will get through this too.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Hurry Up And Wait
It's been a week of trying to get out of the starting blocks on this project I have been working on-again off-again. Phase 1 was vetting vendors for a client and Phase 2 will be to do a software implementation for them. Only the client's CFO and the vendor had a disagreement and couldn't get a contract signed.
None of this would affect me much one way or the other except that for Phase 2 I will need full-time child care as I will need to be in the client's office and not working from home. Last week I began researching childcare options.
After calling around, I discovered that a daycare center was not going to be an option because they want a year contract. I found an in-home child care provider a few blocks from our apartment willing to go week-by-week. Olivia and I paid her a visit; very nice woman, watches a few kids Olivia's age, somehow keep the place immaculate. As we began talking I mentioned that Olivia had never been watched by anyone but family and then suddenly, surprisingly was in tears.
I really do feel ready to return to work but I suppose I am going to have to reconcile that it won't be without a measure of regret at leaving Olliepop with someone. Anyway, if Phase 2 gets going, it will only be for a couple weeks. Enough time for me to play dress up and go downtown to an office.
Last week I had a lunch meeting with the CFO and Aaron told me to stay in the city afterward if I wanted to take some time for myself. Only trouble is, I am so unused to wearing heels and a bra that after my meeting I raced home to change! Whodathunk? All the adjustments.
None of this would affect me much one way or the other except that for Phase 2 I will need full-time child care as I will need to be in the client's office and not working from home. Last week I began researching childcare options.
After calling around, I discovered that a daycare center was not going to be an option because they want a year contract. I found an in-home child care provider a few blocks from our apartment willing to go week-by-week. Olivia and I paid her a visit; very nice woman, watches a few kids Olivia's age, somehow keep the place immaculate. As we began talking I mentioned that Olivia had never been watched by anyone but family and then suddenly, surprisingly was in tears.
I really do feel ready to return to work but I suppose I am going to have to reconcile that it won't be without a measure of regret at leaving Olliepop with someone. Anyway, if Phase 2 gets going, it will only be for a couple weeks. Enough time for me to play dress up and go downtown to an office.
Last week I had a lunch meeting with the CFO and Aaron told me to stay in the city afterward if I wanted to take some time for myself. Only trouble is, I am so unused to wearing heels and a bra that after my meeting I raced home to change! Whodathunk? All the adjustments.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Kill The Beast
The last couple mornings Sadie, our faithful canine, has romped through the halls with a squeaker toy fully engaged in her creaky jaws. Not because she needed to go outside. Apparently she decided it was time for the pack to be awake and so blew reveille. This morning I ran through my mental Rolodex searching for a nearby glue factory we could ship her to, but couldn't find one. Lucky dog.
Then, after we came home from Ols' tumbling class, we found the kitchen thoroughly ransacked and a stick of butter and a bag of English muffins gone. This is our dog on the amplified anti-anxiety medication! I shudder to think of her without meds. Really, it would all be solved with another dog but I cannot do it. No way, no how.
Which reminds me -- stay with me, I am low on sleep and the ideas wander -- Olivia has started using short phrases! "No way!" Yes, please" and "Mommy! What you doing?"
So, as you all can read, my blog title is Dust Bowl 2009 and here we are in 2010. I honestly never thought our precarious situation would have lasted this long. Bends my mind to contemplate it.
I was listening to another doom-filled employment report the other day and it mentioned how the unemployment numbers didn't reflect the 100's of thousands of people who had given up looking for work altogether. There I am helping to skew the picture! I had to cease the job search just to get some equilibrium. It was so demoralizing I was presenting poorly as a candidate and needed to halt the downward spiral.
SO, new year, new sense of optimism. I have updated my resume and my Linked In profile and am working on my confidence. I figure things can only go up.
After reading "Born to Run", a book about extreme distance runners and the evils of shoes, I realized today that quasi-employment netted an unexpected benefit for me. For years my feet, plagued by fallen arches, neuromas and plantar fasciitis, have given me constant pain. Since I have been mostly telecommuting for the past 3 years I am generally just sock-footed. I wear shoes only when I absolutely must. And I have had no pain for the last year or so.
Aaron still has a job. Not sure for how long, half his team is to be let go. He has exhausted himself with worrying about it and trying to find something else, get ready for the new semester, find time for the family. We are kind of ignoring it in some way. We are both job searching but we can't keep focusing on how the legs can be pulled out from under us at any time.
For now, it's one bare foot in front of the other. Baby steps.
Then, after we came home from Ols' tumbling class, we found the kitchen thoroughly ransacked and a stick of butter and a bag of English muffins gone. This is our dog on the amplified anti-anxiety medication! I shudder to think of her without meds. Really, it would all be solved with another dog but I cannot do it. No way, no how.
Which reminds me -- stay with me, I am low on sleep and the ideas wander -- Olivia has started using short phrases! "No way!" Yes, please" and "Mommy! What you doing?"
So, as you all can read, my blog title is Dust Bowl 2009 and here we are in 2010. I honestly never thought our precarious situation would have lasted this long. Bends my mind to contemplate it.
I was listening to another doom-filled employment report the other day and it mentioned how the unemployment numbers didn't reflect the 100's of thousands of people who had given up looking for work altogether. There I am helping to skew the picture! I had to cease the job search just to get some equilibrium. It was so demoralizing I was presenting poorly as a candidate and needed to halt the downward spiral.
SO, new year, new sense of optimism. I have updated my resume and my Linked In profile and am working on my confidence. I figure things can only go up.
After reading "Born to Run", a book about extreme distance runners and the evils of shoes, I realized today that quasi-employment netted an unexpected benefit for me. For years my feet, plagued by fallen arches, neuromas and plantar fasciitis, have given me constant pain. Since I have been mostly telecommuting for the past 3 years I am generally just sock-footed. I wear shoes only when I absolutely must. And I have had no pain for the last year or so.
Aaron still has a job. Not sure for how long, half his team is to be let go. He has exhausted himself with worrying about it and trying to find something else, get ready for the new semester, find time for the family. We are kind of ignoring it in some way. We are both job searching but we can't keep focusing on how the legs can be pulled out from under us at any time.
For now, it's one bare foot in front of the other. Baby steps.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)