Ciao Bella

We are out of here this evening. Things have been so weather vane-y that from Monday to Wednesday our departure estimate changed greatly.

Though I knew we were leaving imminently I had said to Aaron that I didn't want to leave before this Sunday. I had a long-scheduled lunch planned with a friend who I hadn't seen in a year and I just didn't think I could get us packed up by Saturday. Well, soon after I said that Aaron purchased a ticket for us to leave on a red-eye tonight, leaving us 2 days to pack up and ship all our belongings. I had to send a mass e-mail to say goodbye to all my Bay Area friends.

I am sadder than I'd expected. I had really hoped to have a chance to connect with my friends before we bugged out. I am looking forward to living in Charlotte but everything it has taken to bring it off has left me depleted.

Yesterday my friend Maurine came over for a few hours to help me out and visit with her goddaughter. What a lifesaver she was! I have been adding to my stress by being hard on myself for how poorly I have been handling it all. She reminded me that I have to put on my own oxygen mask before I can help others.

So we have taken Sadie to get her check-up, forwarded our mail, scrubbed behind the fridge and done all the other leaving town tasks. Aaron and I are like racing cars speeding by each other on the track occasionally. No time for he and I to visit and connect before we head to our separate points east.

Just after the superintendent had come by today to do the walk-through on our apartment Olivia shit on the carpet in the living room. And the hallway. And in her socks. I brought her into the bathroom and told her to not move while I found SOMETHING not already packed up to clean her with. Of course, she moved, and got herself even filthier and the just-cleaned bathroom dirty too.

I lost it. Had the stupidest angry reaction and my poor daughter just pulled her mouth down into a sad frown. I felt 2 inches tall. No oxygen mask in sight. Then after I had given her a bath and put diaper cream on her, but before I could get her diaper on, she exuberantly ran around the room and plopped herself on the clothes I'd just taken out of the dryer. White greasy diaper cream on everything.

I brought the basket of laundry back upstairs to the laundry room but forgot the money downstairs. Out-loud I kept repeating "Please, something needs to go right." Stormed back downstairs and nearly ran into one of our neighbors. He asked if I was OK and I said no. With a patient smile he graciously stopped to chat for a bit about our next chapter and wished me well with a goodbye hug. So a little of bit oxygen got through.

Forward is all we've got. Hopefully in the next few days I can wrap my head around Phase 2 of this move: getting our belongings from CT to Charlotte, then once there making connections and, please-oh-please, finding a job for myself. I need something for just me.