For the first time in a long time I am not bothered by how things are. We had a nice day today, just we three, going to the Farmer's market, running errands, watching The Daily Show. A sweet ordinariness without the usual longing for something else. Our little circle was good and the rest of the world is just going to have to fend for itself for a bit.
It is so difficult to turn off the "monkey mind" at times, all of the hopping thoughts and silly distractions. A few years ago I was hospitalized for about a week and during that time received last rites. Rather than being afraid I remember thinking something along the lines of "well I never expected to see this, how interesting!" And for months afterward I just couldn't get upset about stuff -- all the day-to-day annoyances of city life: commuting, work, people's vanity and ego trips, they just washed off of me. Months later, when I was my old self, annoyed at the pettiness, selfishness or unkindness of people, I longed for that space of gliding through life.
Because, really don't we all envy the sort of people who don't get hung up on what people think? (I don't mean sociopaths or narcissists or the crackhead homeless who used to crap in the dog park in Cole Valley, but those cuddly Deepak Chopra/Dalai Lama types or old guys like my great uncles who wore paisley, houndstooth and stripes in the same poly-blend outfit and just didn't care in the least if they resembled a test pattern, they knew who they were.)
Yoga is the only way I know to summon serenity and it seems silly, as I write this, to recognize I haven't practiced it since I left CT. How funny to have it available right there and then to decide to watch television! Though if there was a station with On-demand serenity, I am sure I would substitute.
We are at where we are at: nothing stable on the job front, no Lotto jackpot falling from the sky, no clues of whether we will provide our daughter a better circumstance than present. And that's the realization: there's a lot of sweetness, love and laughter in our little ship. It's not exactly smooth sailing yet but on days like today -- bright, blue, clear, there's just no point to do anything but raise a glass, sippy cup, dog bowl and drink to the view.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Big Sleep
The last two weeks or so every spare minute I have slept. I wasn't ill just -- assimilating. Needed the dream time more than a nap. My sleep debt had more to do with the mental refueling I was lacking.
So I am back from yonder. Have gotten very little done, as you can imagine, with all that sleeping. SO my consulting project is on hiatus, only a few job apps have been sent. But I bought a used bike and a kid's seat. Soon Olivia and I will be cruising Alameda, the wind in our faces. Already my feet have tan lines from the various sandals I wear. Feels like summer from my childhood in CT when the biggest thing on my daily agenda was determining high tide so I could plan my beach excursion.
I have been making a conscious effort to provide summer to my 16-month old daughter. Bought a watermelon and we ate it out on the patio, the two of us drippy and messy with watermelon juice. Ate summer corn from the Farmer's Market and ice cream from Tucker's. Went to the beach and let the waves catch our feet. Washed those same dirty feet before turning in to bed that night. Simple pleasures.
So I am back from yonder. Have gotten very little done, as you can imagine, with all that sleeping. SO my consulting project is on hiatus, only a few job apps have been sent. But I bought a used bike and a kid's seat. Soon Olivia and I will be cruising Alameda, the wind in our faces. Already my feet have tan lines from the various sandals I wear. Feels like summer from my childhood in CT when the biggest thing on my daily agenda was determining high tide so I could plan my beach excursion.
I have been making a conscious effort to provide summer to my 16-month old daughter. Bought a watermelon and we ate it out on the patio, the two of us drippy and messy with watermelon juice. Ate summer corn from the Farmer's Market and ice cream from Tucker's. Went to the beach and let the waves catch our feet. Washed those same dirty feet before turning in to bed that night. Simple pleasures.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Can You Feel It?
The new era of digital TV? All that dusty analog gone forever...
There was a book that made the rounds a long time ago "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and It's All Small Stuff." It's true. If I stand back and look at our circumstance, the big-ticket items are covered. My family is healthy, we have a roof over our heads and enough food to warrant us needing to step up an exercise regimen.
Short of moving to some country that I am not even sure exists, I don't know how to reconcile all that I love about my country with all that I don't align with. Having a roof over the head, physical safety, and enough to eat puts me way ahead of a lot of the world.
Yet, all of the bouncing around and uncertainty of the past few years has had the effect of making me ungrateful. I took on a late Lent practice of giving something up for a month, which was complaining. Not going so well. I find myself having to rededicate to my commitment almost daily. So I think I picked exactly the right thing to give up, despite my poor track record. Clearly there's a lot of effort needed there.
We are going to look for a bicycle for me. There is a place in town that sells used bikes and provides training for youth on how to repair bikes. You can also volunteer time around the shop and eventually earn yourself a bike. Sounds like a cool program. With a bike and a kid's seat attached Olivia and I can do a lot of errands around town, as most of what I need is within 3 miles. Maybe help with the spare tire I am carrying too!
I found a Mom/kid playgroup that meets 2 times a week and a drop-in summer kid's swim class. I am really hoping to get out of the house and into a community of some kind. Olivia thrives around lots of people and doesn't get a lot of kid interaction, so hopefully we can get her the social time she, too, is looking for.
There was a book that made the rounds a long time ago "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and It's All Small Stuff." It's true. If I stand back and look at our circumstance, the big-ticket items are covered. My family is healthy, we have a roof over our heads and enough food to warrant us needing to step up an exercise regimen.
Short of moving to some country that I am not even sure exists, I don't know how to reconcile all that I love about my country with all that I don't align with. Having a roof over the head, physical safety, and enough to eat puts me way ahead of a lot of the world.
Yet, all of the bouncing around and uncertainty of the past few years has had the effect of making me ungrateful. I took on a late Lent practice of giving something up for a month, which was complaining. Not going so well. I find myself having to rededicate to my commitment almost daily. So I think I picked exactly the right thing to give up, despite my poor track record. Clearly there's a lot of effort needed there.
We are going to look for a bicycle for me. There is a place in town that sells used bikes and provides training for youth on how to repair bikes. You can also volunteer time around the shop and eventually earn yourself a bike. Sounds like a cool program. With a bike and a kid's seat attached Olivia and I can do a lot of errands around town, as most of what I need is within 3 miles. Maybe help with the spare tire I am carrying too!
I found a Mom/kid playgroup that meets 2 times a week and a drop-in summer kid's swim class. I am really hoping to get out of the house and into a community of some kind. Olivia thrives around lots of people and doesn't get a lot of kid interaction, so hopefully we can get her the social time she, too, is looking for.
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