Serenity

For the first time in a long time I am not bothered by how things are. We had a nice day today, just we three, going to the Farmer's market, running errands, watching The Daily Show. A sweet ordinariness without the usual longing for something else. Our little circle was good and the rest of the world is just going to have to fend for itself for a bit.

It is so difficult to turn off the "monkey mind" at times, all of the hopping thoughts and silly distractions. A few years ago I was hospitalized for about a week and during that time received last rites. Rather than being afraid I remember thinking something along the lines of "well I never expected to see this, how interesting!" And for months afterward I just couldn't get upset about stuff -- all the day-to-day annoyances of city life: commuting, work, people's vanity and ego trips, they just washed off of me. Months later, when I was my old self, annoyed at the pettiness, selfishness or unkindness of people, I longed for that space of gliding through life.

Because, really don't we all envy the sort of people who don't get hung up on what people think? (I don't mean sociopaths or narcissists or the crackhead homeless who used to crap in the dog park in Cole Valley, but those cuddly Deepak Chopra/Dalai Lama types or old guys like my great uncles who wore paisley, houndstooth and stripes in the same poly-blend outfit and just didn't care in the least if they resembled a test pattern, they knew who they were.)

Yoga is the only way I know to summon serenity and it seems silly, as I write this, to recognize I haven't practiced it since I left CT. How funny to have it available right there and then to decide to watch television! Though if there was a station with On-demand serenity, I am sure I would substitute.

We are at where we are at: nothing stable on the job front, no Lotto jackpot falling from the sky, no clues of whether we will provide our daughter a better circumstance than present. And that's the realization: there's a lot of sweetness, love and laughter in our little ship. It's not exactly smooth sailing yet but on days like today -- bright, blue, clear, there's just no point to do anything but raise a glass, sippy cup, dog bowl and drink to the view.