No Synonym For Bittersweet

2009 was a roller-coaster year and this last week or so was no different. We went home to CT for Xmas: despite all the hyped foul weather predictions, the trip went smoothly with no delays. It was a healing visit. Olivia and I hadn't seen my family since August; Aaron since February. We got to marinate in the family soup and feel supported by it.

Olivia has changed a lot in the interval. Her hair is long and she's taller. She's at a stage where she can be shy in new situations, which is at odds with what people know of her happy, outgoing disposition. She had a great time with adoring relatives of all stripes, 3 friendly dogs and a grandparent's home filled with toys. Got to romp in snow, race around with cousins, and make unreasonable toddler demands that were usually accommodated.

Xmas day Olivia got more presents than she literally knew what to do with. We had to space out the gift opening over a few days to allow her to focus a bit. Aaron and I were humbled and heartened by the love that was showered on our little girl from all directions.

I was thinking that, in my whole childhood, I can only remember 2 gifts of the many that I got at all the Christmases. I have happy memories instead of my family joking and laughing, running around with all the cousins, all the foods and decorations. How lucky I was to have that circle of light. How lucky we all were really.

Aaron and I were both under the weather for the whole trip and couldn't get out of second gear. It filled our tanks to just hang out on various couches. We had vague plans to catch up with some friends, but couldn't muster the wherewithal. We got to go to a matinee, which is a treat for us, but other than that we stayed close to home.

After all the joyous celebrating, the day before we left, Aaron got a call from work. He was told the project he is working on is suspended and he cannot bill any more hours until further notice. And that about encapsulates this last year for us. Financial precariousness side by side with familial support. Wish the first part of that sentence were different. Suppose if it were we wouldn't so fully understand the second part.

Best wishes for a new year filled with love and light.

Pajama Party

After my last post I was sleepless trying to sort out how to conjure a sense of peacefulness. And then yesterday Olivia was delightful: silly and charming, sweet and loving -- the entire day.

Then last night Olivia, Sadie and I went down the peninsula to my friend Maurine's house. She had two other dear girlfriends over with their kids. And we just had a big slumber party: 5 adults, 4 kids, 3 dogs. Maurine cooked us a wonderful meal, the kids ran amok, the dogs scavenged for dropped morsels and we all got to catch up with each other.

This morning Maurine's husband Dan made us a pancake breakfast and then I picked up Aaron at the airport. He had slept on the plane from Tokyo so he was surprisingly rested. Olivia ran to him and after he swooped her up she stayed hugging him for a good 15 minutes. My heart swelled.

I feel as though my cup got replenished. It is wonderful to have Aaron back. I missed him and I missed us. We've been so caught up in the multitude of anxieties we lost our humor and connection. Tonight our pack hunkered down in the living room while the rain bucketed for the second straight day. We just sat on the couch and ate Indian food while watching TV. And everything was just right.

So much for insight

It doesn't matter what I know, or what I want, because it doesn't seem to inform my behavior. Today I lost it all over Olivia, just screamed at her until I was hoarse, and hated myself at the time and afterward. Then a few moments later I yelled at her again, and again moments later, almost without interval until I finally locked her in her room so I could do laundry on the third floor and put myself in a time out.

I don't know what's more stupid -- yelling at a toddler or trying to reason with her. Neither works; she does what she does, and I react as I do, and some days I have patience and this week I don't. I haven't slept more than 3 hours at a stretch in months and my whole body hurts all the time.

This whole week she hasn't napped more than 15 minutes. The two hour midday nap is when I can count on getting stuff done. And none of it happened. I didn't get to the consulting work I needed, I didn't get to a lot of errands, and the house is so messy I get no pleasure from being inside it.

I made a point of setting up visits with friends this week while Aaron is away and I have use of the car. I knew I would need grown-up interaction. As much as I did enjoy seeing 3 different girlfriends who I haven't seen in ages, I feel like I paid mightily for it. In trying to work around Olivia's nap time, I ended up encroaching on it. So, instead of sleeping at home, she cat napped in the car and walked in the door ready to tear the place up.

Whether it's because Aaron is away or because the house is not peaceful, Sadie came to pieces this week. Every time we tried to leave the house without her she would start to tremble so hard she could hardly stand. Then after I shut the door she would howl to the rafters. Since I don't want to get kicked out of our apartment, I ended up taking her with us all week and letting her howl in the car. Finally, yesterday I called the vet and we upped Sadie's anti-anxiety medication, which hopefully will take effect in a few days. Until then I guess we are just Crazy House.

Whatever the salve is for this state, I have no idea what it is.

Calm Assertive

I have been corresponding with a friend of mine about the Dog Whisperer and his mantra of having calm/assertive energy at all times when interacting with your dog. I am convinced that he is going to be the next business management guru because I see the practical application of it in all aspects of life. My friend and I agree that there is a lot of direct application to raising children.

It's funny that I've been having this conversation recently because the past three days this calm/assertive theme has been right in my face. Aaron is in Japan this week, so I have been single momming it. Twice a day Olivia and I walk Sadie and it has been really stressful. I can't contain either one of them and I spend all my time trying to keep Olivia out of traffic and Sadie from eating cat poop.

When Sadie was a puppy I used the extend-able leash, but with the kid and a stroller, that didn't work so we switched to a regular leash. And it's a mess. Sadie is switching sides all the time, stopping every few seconds to sniff. It's gotten to the point where Olivia yells "Come!" every few moments because she's seen me do it so often. I feel like I need to push "reset" and start all over with training the both of us.

Then Friday after I'd dropped Aaron off at the airport, Olivia took a bad fall off a chair and I wrenched my back trying to catch her. Failed, she fell on her head and I had back spasms that day and night. Then had my purse stolen. So as I was retracing my steps, calling security, the police, etc. every time I lifted Olivia into the car seat, shooting pains. Forget calm assertive. I was a wreck, Olivia was a wild child and I couldn't compose myself enough to alter course. I could see in the moment how everything was getting escalated to a fever pitch but I couldn't back it down. If I canceled all my (joint) credit cards, ATM, etc I was afraid I'd be leaving Aaron stuck in Tokyo without access to cash.

In the midst of this, a box of sea-salt caramels that I had ordered arrived and I just self-medicated on sugar. Ugh.

I hate the yelling. Aaron and I don't ever yell at each other. But I yell at Olivia often and I can't stand it. Here I am again, I'm that mother. The one you see in the supermarket parking lot, dragging the kid by one arm and scolding her all the way.

I am really feeling the loss of protected time. And I keep wondering -- how do all these other women manage it? Generations of women before me and around me raise kids without going to pieces. Not that I expected it to be a cakewalk, but this just isn't sustainable. Thank goodness my dog forgives me immediately and my daughter a few minutes after that, but there has to be a path out of this stress.

Lucky

I am not walking under any ladders, but I can see some light dawning finally. Aaron is happy with his job and left today for a trip to Tokyo. I wasn't really clear until this week of the extent to which my happiness is bound up with his. I don't know if that's a by-product of marriage or if it's even healthy, but there you go.

I have a tiny bit left to do on this consulting project and it's been a shot in the arm to be capable at something. All I am doing is vetting potential vendors for this client, but still, I know what I am talking about and that is a boost for me.

Olivia has begun showing signs of Terrible Two-ness. Getting her into clothes each day is a full-pitched battle. Flailing and crying from her, frustration and muttered curses from me. If I try to get her to do something she doesn't want to, she'll close her eyes and pretend she's asleep. She might be in mid-twirl atop the couch, but then she's "napping".

At the same time, she's also become really affectionate. I'll be doing chores and I'll feel a soft paw on my back where she is rubbing me or she'll come running over for hugs and kisses apropos of nothing. So we figured we'll keep her.

Quiet Week

It's been a quiet week. The last two days the family has been sleeping a lot so our activity has been minimal.

Aaron is worried about his job, which surprised me. There is an awful lot of ambiguity on his project and the overall project heads keep changing, so everyone is acting hinky. I told him to just keep his head down and make sure that his work is up to snuff; cold comfort.

I have been working on a little consulting project. Just as I thought I was wrapping it up it went south. So much so, that in following it I found Shackelton's whiskey. What caused it to go south is out of my direct control but I am tasked with cleaning it up and getting it back on track. Now it's the project that won't die and I am trying to finish it and resuscitate my professional reputation. Except the last two days all I've done is sleep.

It's rainy and cold here and no one wants to walk the dog. Poor girl goes from family member to family member and pleads until someone's guilt gets the better of them.

A Dead End Street's Just A Place To Turn Around

I learned a long time ago that sadness in women is often anger turned inward. I was aware of a hard coin of resentment in the back of my throat for a few days, but I was unprepared for a wave of sadness that broke today.

For a few weeks I have been working on a tiny consulting project for an investment bank. They've been really cool about me doing it all from home and working around Olivia's nap schedule -- which means my progress moves in fits and starts. Last week I had a deadline to wrap up the project, for which I needed the assistance of an external vendor.

This vendor didn't share my sense of urgency. Didn't return my many calls and emails for 3 days. Deadline missed. CFO at client unhappy. Me, trying to make it better, offered to cut my rate. Client accepted. Wait - huh? How'd I get here?

In the last two weeks I'd missed two days of protected time when Olivia didn't nap at all, and another 3 days taking her to doctor's appointments. I'd been on conference calls with Sesame Street blaring in the background and Olivia crying for a bottle or demanding for me to color with her. One night when I couldn't sleep I'd worked from 11PM to 3AM when the house was quiet and I could concentrate.

On the days when Aaron and I were both at home and trying to work, if there were too many distractions Aaron simply left the house. He'd work or study from a coffee house while I watched the kid and made dinner and tried to finish up this project. And somewhere in all that juggling I got really angry. I don't get to just pick up my laptop and go somewhere quiet when I need to knock out my work. I have to fit it in around everyone else's schedule.

There's prep to getting that 2 - 3 hours of nap-time out of Olivia. We bike to play group, or go to the park, or take Sadie out for walks, so that midday Miss O is tired enough to go down. Otherwise it's a 20 minute catnap and a miserable dinnertime with Olivia decompensating.

I don't know how we got to this circumstance where the default presumption is that I am on kid duty unless I am asleep. It's nothing we ever came to a negotiation about. But I know that the outcome of it is that I regarded my work as less important. Even though my total hours are small, my hourly rate is twice Aaron's. But I tried to implement this project using fractured little bits of time after I'd made dinner and the dishes were put away. After Olivia had her bath and I'd read her a few books. After I shopped for groceries before the store closed because I only have use of the car at night.

It's not as if Aaron has free time. He's commuting in heavy traffic 50 miles each way to work, spending long hours there and then has schoolwork to do. A family to visit with. A dog to walk. And all of this on broken sleep with Olivia getting up 2 -3 times a night lately.

And then after I'd spent two weeks squeezing in pockets of work here and there, three days trying to get this vendor to respond, and another 2 hours this afternoon working with the vendor fixing the issues, in a fit of self-doubt I discounted my work. Gave away money, money that we really need, to try to make it up to the client somehow for this stupid vendor's non-responsiveness. Now I know why I feel so regularly marginalized. I put myself there. I really have lost the plot. Haven't any idea how to get myself back.

Dragon Days

We had Aaron home for a few days last week after the Bay Bridge closed. He works about 50 miles south of here and the closing of the bridge forced tons of traffic to re-route the way he goes to work. So he was working from home Thursday and Friday last week.

It was nice that it worked out because Aaron was able to come to the Halloween party at Olivia's play group. After last year's pumpkin patch debacle with Olivia in tears in a pumpkin suit, we decided this Halloween would be low-key. We bought her a dragon costume a few weeks ago and hung it where she could see it and get used to it. Her reaction was only slightly better than last year.

The play group folks had decorated the room, had a face painter and animal balloon maker and lots of yummy treats. Olivia seemed a bit perplexed by seeing kids she knew in costumes. She hated her dragon costume's hood and began to melt down during the sing-along, so we ended up leaving early.

Apparently it's just not our holiday. On the actual day we gave out candy to the few trick or treaters who came by (some started at 10:30 AM)then took down the door decorations around 8PM to settle in for the night.

Only to be blasted by the fire alarm a few minutes later.

Because we live in a ghetto-ish apartment complex, the fire alarms go off all the time. This was the second time this week. It is shatteringly loud and also sends a vibration through your chest cavity that is really uncomfortable. As you can imagine, you are incented to leave quickly. Usually I stand on the patio with Olivia and Sadie and wait for the fire department to come and shut the alarm off, a process that takes about a half hour.

But it was cold on Halloween night and Olivia was wide awake, what with all the noise and rushing around. Instead we took the whole family to a diner and waited for the hubbub to die down back at our apartment complex. No more tricks please.

Collective Mood

I started doing Eucharistic Ministry -- bringing communion to patients at UCSF Hospital -- about 9 years ago. Something I noticed early on is that there tends to be a collective mood amongst the patients most days. Maybe they are cranky or asleep or gracious, but there tends to be a unifying mood. Today the patients were just lovely --kind and acknowledging. It gave me such a boost to be there.

One of the cancer patients was accompanied by her husband who was sleeping on a cot next to her. As this patient and I prayed together I thought about the time I was in the hospital with my husband sleeping beside me. But that was while awaiting the birth of our daughter. The contrast in circumstance nearly made me cry. I am so grateful that my family and I are healthy. And yeah, I don't have health insurance but right now, thankfully, I don't need it.

Yesterday Olivia and I went to a friend's house who was having a few folks over for a late lunch. The other women were a few years older, unmarried, no children. I didn't have a whole lot too talk about. Generally I don't notice those sorts of markers, but I felt like the odd woman out which was weird.

A few months ago I noticed that I don't make eye contact, I rarely finish my sentences and I slouch. I've no idea how long these behaviors have been going on, but I know they weren't always part of my repertoire. The party yesterday made me wonder if the reason I have almost no friends any longer is because I am communicating "look elsewhere". Ditto my job search. Something for me to noodle on.

Sleep or Get Stuff Done?

A choice that has driven almost all decisions lately. I hate to be a broken record, but we are still dealing with fragmented sleep here and one's thinking gets cloudy after weeks of it.

One of the side effects of Aaron being home for 3 weeks between jobs was that I had use of the car. Really helpful for running errands, especially food shopping. What I didn't consider was how much Olivia and I enjoy biking places. Yesterday was Aaron's first day at the new job and it was bucketing rain, so Olivia and I did not bike to play group.

After a day of being cooped up indoors I decided that today we would go to a tumbling class to make up for it. I hustled Ols into her clothes this morning and biked downtown to get there by 9:30 to discover -- the class has been canceled. No matter, it's a beautiful sunny day so we came home and opened up the patio door and all the windows.

Now she is napping and I have an opportunity to get some work done on this tiny consulting project but my head is so fuzzy I am not sure I can have much problem-solving ability.

For instance I only just realized yesterday that when Olivia requests a bottle, as she does several times a day, she just wants something to drink. I was taking her literally and we were getting into a struggle over weaning her off a bottle. Finally I came to understand I could put water in a cup with a straw (somehow sippy cups became non grata. She won't drink out of them at all.) and she was good to go. Oy.

I am yawning, but I just heard Olivia wake up from her too-brief nap.

Plus Ça Même Chose

Whoever first said "the more things change, the more they stay the same" was evidently reading our mail. After a nice respite, a few days of R&R out of town, we felt as though our ship might come in before the dock rotted. We'd been needing a change of scenery and energy: going to the Monterrey aquarium helped us regain some perspective and humor.

For a NY minute.

We'd already been unsure how to bridge the gap between Aaron's jobs. At first it looked like a few days that would be unpaid. Then it was a week and a half. Now his start date has been pushed back again and it spells disaster. In addition, Aaron's former employer decided arbitrarily that he just wouldn't pay Aaron what he was owed.

Besides the financial strain, it gets harder and harder for us to be our best selves with each other. I have no excuse for it. I recognize it is wrong. It is for the family unit that we should absolutely be our best selves, and yet we get snappish and short with each other, our daughter, our dog.

Aaron told me about his revised start date when I got back from the grocery this evening. In that interval Olivia had drawn with crayon on the coffee table, the sliding glass doors and the couch. There were Cheerios stuffed between the cushions and scraps of lettuce on the carpet. Sadie hadn't been fed or walked. Olivia had dunked the new books I'd bought her into a bucket of water and left them tossed on the patio. I hadn't been fed. I'd spent the day doing laundry, attempting to get some workshop coordinating done, running Olivia to play group.

So I stood there holding a carton of diapers and bags of groceries, kid whining at my feet, and felt the overwhelming urge to turn around and keep walking. I was too tired to cry. Just pitch my cellphone and walk into the sea.

"The worst is not, so long as we can say 'this is the worst.'"

Olivia is waking up a few times a night so we are already running on fumes. Twice last night she got up from her bed and sleepwalked into the living room to curl up on her tummy on the couch where it's warmer. I never know which room Aaron or I will wake up in either. We start off in our room but during the night one of us will go into Olivia's room to get her back down and just stay there.

To top it off, my friend Jon called this evening from LA to "coordinate this weekend." Huh? Evidently a bunch of the Pterodactyls are getting together for a birthday celebration. This was the first we'd heard of it -- as we hadn't been invited. He was abashed that he'd inadvertently let the cat out of the bag, but the way this week has teed up, whatever.

I just want to return to work again. Not a few hours consulting, not a job that returns me to the workforce but doesn't justify daycare expenses, but a worthwhile job. As this crappy job market has dragged on my aspirations have gotten smaller and smaller and I have too.

Often at night I lie awake in bed and think of things I'd like to share in this blog, or with friends, with family. But it is all so depressing it seems wasteful and trite to let the newts and toads keep hopping out of my mouth. So it's days before I can work up the nerve to post, weeks before I return calls, months and years between visits with friends.

I have orange cupcake frosting to clean off of my blouse. And a happy vision to find that I can hold in my mind's eye so that I may sleep.

Sorry for all the toads.

There's A Million Ways To Go Part 2

Well, our health insurance payments got significantly cheaper now that I've been denied coverage. We were wondering whether we could afford it and it's much easier to do so if one family member is without. Turns out my back spasms are a pre-existing condition. Apparently being female disposes you to having children and picking them up.

Olivia had her first tumbling class on Saturday and was a natural. We went early to the center and observed a class of older kids. Ols watched very intently and sat quietly on her Dad's lap the whole time. Then when her class started she executed the various moves cleanly and quickly. The other parents were floored that it was her first class. We had trouble getting her off the rings, she was having such a good time on them. It's kind of wild watching your kid use a skill from seemingly nowhere. Watching her hang from the rings with no assistance Aaron and I were asking ourselves "where the hell did she learn that?"

Yesterday we went to a friend's wedding and I saw a bunch of people who I hadn't spoken with in years. They of course asked where we were living now and what were we up to? Again I struggled with encapsulating it into a sound bite. I think I came off as a bit unfriendly, which wasn't my intent, just my poor small talk skills on display.

I spoke often with my east coast family this weekend. I was awakened very early Saturday morning by a call from a cousin who was alerting me to the news that her mother had been admitted to the hospital, a victim of domestic violence. I made what calls I could to connect folks, but felt all the while that I was on the wrong coast.

It got really chilly over the weekend and I'd hoped to skip play group today because I didn't feel like biking in the cold weather. But about a half hour before play group started Olivia was walking around the house repeating "helmet" and I realized she seemed to know that today is a play group day. Foiled again! So off we went singing our ABCs and Cat Stevens, Olivia ringing the bike bell for emphasis.

Car is in the shop since we had really no brakes to speak of and, strapped or not, that's not the kind of maintenance you can defer -- unlike the crunched hood which will probably never get fixed. We are becoming more hillbilly by the day. We had hoped to take a brief trip somewhere this week that Aaron is off, maybe Vegas or LA. But, as usual, we either have money or time but not both. So we may do a day trip somewhere like Carmel. Just get out of town for a bit so it feels like a vacation; haven't had one since our honeymoon.Though only a few years ago, it truly feels like a lifetime ago.

Fall Cleaning

I believe I have adopted a box of apples. At $6 a pop they no longer qualify as a purchase; we may as well just go ahead and set up a college fund for these little guys. With autumn in full bore we were missing Connecticut apples -- California apples of all varieties are lackluster specimens of biomass -- so we had some McCouns shipped out. Apparently a bit of stress-induced folly. I mean, they are very good, don't get me wrong -- but $6 for an apple?! WTF?

Today Aaron had to interact with his devious former employer (Yay! Ding dong, the witch is dead!) to retrieve some personal items from the office. He was not looking forward to the trip and the apples arrived just as he was headed out. He was able to tuck one into his bag as he left the house, a talisman before the big battle. Aaron is still owed a bunch of money but his previous employer's ickiness will no longer permeate our home environment.

We can already feel the difference. Our humor has returned, most of the seriousness is cast off. Sadie is fully mended and back to her daffy disobedient self. In a similar vein, our Olliepop is acquiring so many new words and concepts and mannerisms that it is getting harder and harder to discipline her with a straight face. She often comes back with some zinger phrase or gesture that will just crack one of us up. The other then tries to keep some semblance of authority, but all is usually lost.

Parenting really brings you in touch with hypocrisy. For instance, we'll say to her "don't say 'No' to me little girl!" and she hears that word from us all the time. She is, of course, really tuned in to any discrepancies between word and action and exploits them to the hilt. We are rapidly seeing both the difficulty and the need to maintain our integrity while still maintaining her well-being. Lots of times we just pull rank, but I am guessing that is not going to work in a little while.

Saturday morning she will start a tumbling class. We are curious if it will harness some of that energy or just make her more robust. At this point all we can think of to give us an edge would be to stop feeding her, but she already appears to be a breatharian. There are some days I don't know what she is subsisting on. She's healthy as a horse but still, I had no idea how anxiety-producing it is when your kid eats a few mouthfuls for days on end.

Aaron's bike is all fixed up now, so this weekend we'll probably take the apples to the beach or something, maybe grab a movie.

New Day

Well, the couch is shit-free. That about sums up my yesterday after Olivia waddled over to me, arms outstretched and a worried look on her face. She had plunged her hands into her diaper and come up with fistfuls of yuck for Mom to inspect. We had stayed too long at play group where she'd become cranky. I hustled her out and she fell asleep in the bike seat on the way home, flopping from side to side like a fish, her dead weight sending the bike careening side to side.

We got into the house and discovered the floor covered in a fine layer of tortilla chip crumbs, the detritus of Sadie's counter surfing. Tried to get Olivia down for a proper nap. No go. She was playing quietly in her room when I heard a noise that got my Mom radar up. Next thing she's scampering into the room to show me the contents of her diaper. After I stripped down both Olivia and the couch and washed everything, Mom and daughter were way past tired. I figure: supper and early bedtime and we sat down to eat. Olivia thought it was funny to smear her face with guacamole and black beans. She thought it was really funny to then hotfoot over to the freshly washed slip covers and smear her face into them.

Aaron gave notice yesterday to the various folks at work. His supervisor at the client was supportive. His immediate boss was not very congenial which makes us worried that we will again go through torture with Aaron getting completely and timely paid for the last time. In all likelihood he will have to sue to try to recover all the money he is owed.

It has been a sweet shift to see Aaron so excited at the prospect of a new opportunity and being able to cut his connection with his current toxic, narcissistic "employer". He is actually going to take a few days off in between the two jobs and catch up. He is back in school and some time off from work will let him sleep a bit more, concentrate on homework and exercise some different muscles. Aaron bought a bike at a garage sale so we should be able to take some family rides now too.

Having Aaron home for a few days will free me up to go get my hair cut and perhaps read a book or two. I am really feeling the burden of no childcare back-up. On days like yesterday I wish I had someone who could step in for an hour or so and let me shift the energy so that I am not so cranky with my daughter. She deserves that. Just now she asked for a bottle of milk. As I was readying it she threw her arms in the air with a big grin and shouted "happy!"

Turn and Face The Strange

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. A week of ups and downs. On the job front: Aaron had a few interviews this week. One that may have involved a verbal offer. I say "may" because there was drinking involved and so far no paperwork to back it up, so it ain't an offer until there's a contract. Would be a long-term contract here in the Bay Area. I had another meeting today with the same company I spoke with before. They'd like to hire me but, with the economy being what it is, can't justify it. They'd like to check back to see if they could hire me at the first of the year. So kinda good news. "Always nice to be asked to dance" as my Dad often says.

Two visits to the veterinarian in a week. So not what we needed, improbably bad timing. Poor Sadie, she didn't eat for a week and was vomiting bile for days, shivering and listless. Apparently she ate something, we don't know what, that tore up her insides as it passed. She lost about 4lbs but seems to be getting better today. The vet gave her a shot for the nausea and some canned food to go easy on her stomach. She's still not interested in eating, but she is moving around more at least. We should have her blood results tomorrow. Our sweet buddy, as if a shaved butt and multiple injections were not insult enough. Rough week for dogs.

Olivia had her 18-month check-up today and was, of course, top of her class. "Definitely not autistic." Thanks. The pediatrician said we were doing everything right, which was good to hear since it feels like we are bumbling along. She just said that we needed to wean Olivia off her nighttime bottle pronto. Uh-huh. Also said to take the crib down and put the mattress (or in her case, dog bed) on the floor, since Olivia is climbing out of the crib. Ri-ight. No worries, nothing to it.

SO tonight's bedtime, with all of the changes to the going-to-bed routine, resulted in 2+ hours of wailing and tears -- surprisingly, none from me. We have a week or two of this apparently. Sadie stayed nearby until Olivia was asleep and then retreated to a cool place. The parents carbo-loaded on chips and lemon tart and made a resolution that, while tomorrow we'd get back up on the diet horse, today needed a bit of celebration.

If At First You Don't Succeed

Don't try skydiving.

Ok, ok -- bad joke. But I was thinking again of the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So maybe the most effective thing to do to create momentum is to stop expecting? Just see where it goes. Be curious rather than expectant.

I tried to change the energy up this weekend by planning a few things that are out of our usual routine. Friday night we went to a kid's dance. There was free pizza and a juggler and a clown and the kids got to run around and make a lot of noise. Wholesome fun for all of us. Then a nice family outing on Saturday. I had arranged with a friend for Aaron to get a ride in a Huey -- a pristine Vietnam era combat-ready helicopter. My friend Wayne, who is a Vietnam vet, has been spending the last year or so helping to restore it to perfect military spec. So while Aaron was flying, Olivia and I hung around the hangar and ate BBQ. It was a beautiful clear sunny afternoon and everybody was all smiles. We all needed to exercise a completely different set of muscles and just do something fun.

Sunday we looked for a Halloween costume for Olivia. No luck; not much out there in her size. We did put her in a chicken suit, which she looked adorable in, but she hated it. So nothing with a hood or a hat or she cries.

Aaron had a good interview today and has another this week. He is noticeably more happy just at the prospect of something turning around. Any good thoughts you can send our way, please do.

Wide Awake

In an attempt to get Olivia back to her old sleep schedule I forewent her midday nap yesterday; she was a crabby beast (or, as my friend Jack says, a snappy turtle) all afternoon and began search-and-destroy around dinner time. We put her exhausted self down at 7PM last night and she went right to sleep -- for an hour. Then scampered out of her crib and into the living room, all smiles and waving hands, primed to watch a few episodes of NCIS with Mom and Dad.

A few more rounds of putting her back in her crib and then finally, exhausted Mom and Dad, gave up and tucked her in with us. After a few hours of somersaults she peed in the bed and I gave up and went to lie down in Olivia's room. Then at around 4:30AM Aaron's alarm went off on his phone. He woke up just long enough to shut it off, but I was jolted awake, so here I sit worrying and writing. My kingdom for 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I'd read somewhere that if you truly knew someone else's problems you'd want your own back in a hurry. I had lunch yesterday with a dear friend of mine, she's single and still navigating the dating scene, and I thought later "trade you financial crisis, back spasms and not enough sleep for a few unreturned phone calls from a guy you recently met." Takers? Anyone?

Probably time to go to mass and check in with the rest of the congregation. It's where I get a sharp reminder that we are healthy, me and my loved ones, and the rest is all gravy.

There's Always Tomorrow

Well, what we didn't need was a $300 vet bill on top of a smog test for the car and new medical bills arriving in the mail today. Oh, and the $1500 of expenses from June? Still not paid. So, like any two people who have been deprived of carbs for two weeks, Aaron and I put a big dent in the bag of Halloween candy this evening once Olivia finally went to sleep. She had no nap today and was fretful and wired. We'd had no nap today and no bread since August, an ugly combination.

I was supposed to again have a conversation today with a (maybe, possibly) potential employer; it had been postponed twice before. We did talk -- to reschedule again for next week. I feel as though I didn't get asked to the prom. If I had any other job leads it wouldn't have loomed so large nor been such a disappointment.

The whole family went to the vet's office to get Sadie treated. Poor thing ended up getting most of her rear end shaved. She was a trouper throughout, though if it's possible for dogs to be embarrassed, she sure looked it. Olivia seemed frightened of Sadie's new 'do. As we walked home with our mohawked dog, Olivia screaming with fatigue and hunger and trying to climb out of the stroller, Aaron tried to offer me what comfort he could: "Garlic bread? Ice cream? Ravioli?"

We came home and dutifully ate a South Beach Diet meal of chicken and vegetables. Then afterward, when today, last week, the last 6 months, came galloping to the forefront we opened the bag of candy to know some sweetness, however temporary.

One Little Monkey

Our cover is blown: Olivia figured out how to climb out of her crib. One minute wails of indignity at being locked up, the next minute giggles as she then chatters happily down the hall to greet us in the living room.

We have all been under the weather this week, not the flu but not well either. Aaron worked from home today but didn't get much rest. Olivia was up early and in busy bee mode, unlike her parents who were craving a few more hours of sleep.

Mid-day Aaron had a conference call while I was in the bathroom. Olivia opened the bathroom door, darted in, stole the last bit of toilet paper on the roll as I sat captive on the bowl and gleefully ran out again with the paper streaming behind her. Of course Aaron couldn't rescue me as he was still on a conference call and unaware of the little monkey's reconnaissance mission. No kleenex on top of the toilet as there usually is. I had a lot of time to contemplate my situation.

The job front this week showed the same malaise as our immunity systems. I sent 3 inquiries to the last organization I interviewed at just to try to get some sort of response back from them. Nothing. I figured the job has been filled but I didn't even get a rejection e-mail after interviewing with 3 people! Aaron still hasn't been paid his expenses from 2 months ago and got turned down for a few other jobs he'd applied for. Which begs the no-win question "Is it better to get rejection letters or no response at all?"

Tomorrow and Tomorrow

We had a nice dinner Sunday night at my friends Jeremy and Lana's house. We hadn't seen them for ages and Jeremy and I have been friends for ages. I was remarking how being a new parent brings up all kinds of anxieties about your competency and Olivia took a header down some concrete steps. Once we determined that her eye was safe I could breathe again, for there was a lot of blood.

Now Olivia looks as though she'd been truffle hunting. Her nose is all scraped and scabbed as is her forehead. Steady applications of Neosporin and Popsicles have kept the patient happy but her Mom feels terrible whenever she looks at that poor nose.

The Bay Bridge is not reopening today and it doesn't affect me at all. Thousands of commuters are anticipating an ugly route to work today, but I have nowhere to be. Lucky me.

The NY Times had a front-page piece on the discouraged job seeker and I couldn't do more than glance at it. What's it going to tell me that I don't already know?

Today my intrepid daughter and I will run some mundane errands and no doubt swing on a swing or slide down a slide. I'll continue to chafe against this stupid low-carb diet. While she naps I will muster what's left of my attention span and seek work. Some days it seems that way madness lies.

Crash Landing

Back in California after 10 days on the other coast. Just had a shouting match with my drunken next door neighbor at 5AM as he had woken me up from a sound sleep. The return trip from CT was grueling and I arrived here exhausted. The day after I arrived I slept 4 hours in the middle of the day and still felt tired. So this was not a good time (if ever) to wake me up. Mess with my sleep and you awaken a monster; wake up the kid and I will well and truly desire you harm.

As I got back in bed Aaron patted my shoulder and said he was proud of me, which struck me as odd since I had been hurling invective over the patio fence just moments earlier. I suppose it's encouraging to have someone else share the burden of defending the family.

At any rate, there's no going back to bed now. I've had a shower and after a cup of tea and a boiled egg I will start the unpacking process from the trip. Olivia got so many gifts from her CT family that I haven't been able to put it all away. She has been a little crabby and needy since we returned, no doubt picking up on my general mood. If I can get the house organized I hope to clear a space in my head too. Then perhaps I can be more generous with people.

Home Again Jiggety Jig

After a grueling overnight flight with a no-sleeping 17 month old we arrived in Providence and promptly hit a wall of heat and humidity that set me back on my heels. Then perfection presented itself.

My brother picked us up at the airport, made sure we were comfy, bought clothes and supplies for Olivia and dropped us off at my Dad and Lynn's house. We hustled down to the shore where Olivia hotfooted it across the sand and into the water with squeals of joy. Someone brought me a vodka and I stood in the waves with my family watching my daughter chase the mild surf and dig in the sand. Home.

We have been here a few days, and except that Aaron isn't with us, there isn't anything that could be improved on. We visit with various family members, eat yummy summer food and play in the ocean and the yard each day. Olivia is in her own Disneyland with more stuff to do than she can fit between sleep cycles.

I had a sense of deja-vu the first day on the beach. There we were looking down the familiar shoreline, not where I grew up exactly, but close enough. I am swinging my daughter in the ocean and realizing I was used to being the laughing kid and not the adult on the other end hanging on going "wheeee!" My daughter has her head thrown back with laughter and I scoop her up to point down the beach at the boats and the gulls. "This is where Mommy is from. This is where we're from."

There's a million ways to go...

SO I reluctantly left my lair and went on three outings with three different friends last week and, naturally, enjoyed myself greatly. Mom was in town and baby-sat the kid so I could go and it was nice to not worry while I was out.

No news on the job front. Neither Aaron or I heard back from our interviews we had three weeks ago. We don't even get bitter anymore. People ask us if we heard anything and the question doesn't even register. "Oh that? Nope, nothing. Next!" Aaron has sold some computer equipment which kept us afloat this month. Still having issues with Aaron being paid fully and timely.

I had a preliminary discussion last week with a former colleague about possibly working for him. It's so vague that there is not much to talk about. He is the CFO at an investment house and needs someone to take care of lots of things he doesn't have time for. No job description beyond "I need someone smart who can get things done." He is still investigating whether he can hire a manager type or if he would be better served by an admin. We are supposed to talk again when he returns from vacation.

Speaking of, I am going to CT this weekend and really looking forward to it. I miss my family and feel like Olivia is growing up so fast that they are missing a lot. She is in fine form these days: singing and chattering and gesturing. Quite the communicator. She has taken to grabbing my hand and walking me to the door when she wants to go outside, which is like 500 times a day. You can get her to do anything now if you tell her she needs to in order to go to the slide -- get shoes on, jacket, whatever. Wahoo, slide!

Shoes Dropping

I kept hoping that I would be fit enough company to rejoin society, but not yet. I have forced myself to schedule two social outings this week to get me out of my cave and, of course, I am now dreading both.

Since we have been here I have been of the mind that this is not me, this impatient, snappish, brittle shrew. But at some point you gotta wonder -- really? I have made a mantra of saying that any number of points of our circumstance are temporary: the job worry, the deracinated feeling, the brittleness. However, "temporary" has turned into 2 years and counting -- so apparently this is the new, unimproved me.

Aaron has been given 30-day notice at his job. The news was not unexpected, it was a contract gig, but it has put us into two very different modes. Aaron is sending his energy into many directions, not all of it productive, as he tries to find another gig. I clean house and do laundry while trying to fight back the sensation of the water rising to my ears.

Grimly we went to the zoo, went to the movies, I got my haircut. I re-read one of the Little House on the Prairie books to give myself perspective. I am still complaining more than I'd like but I can occasionally follow it up with some thankfulness. No cyclones, locusts, blizzards or threshing accidents here.

We're Going to the Zoo, Zoo, Zoo

We are going to the zoo tomorrow and I have had the refrain in my head "Mama's taking us to the zoo tomorrow and we can stay all day!" Bouncy song and the lyrics fit. We've been so broke we haven't gotten out much. My mom keeps telling Aaron and me to take advantage of her being here to kid-sit and go do something, but we haven't been able to.

So tomorrow will be a family outing that should be fun for the kiddo. She is exercising her "No!" a lot these even with thing she enjoys so sometimes it's hard to tell. Though my mom's been here a week and tended to Olivia, she won't let my mom pick her up or change her. I'd have thought that she'd have warmed up by now, but not yet. Stinker.

I am determined that in the next few days Aaron and I will go see a movie, just us two. And maybe, if the stars align, I will sneak off for a long overdue haircut. If I don't look like a wild woman from some Borneo jungle perhaps I will feel more like rejoining the grid.

The Petrie Dish Called Home

We've all been sick the last week or so. The place is awash in balled-up kleenex and Ny-Quil. I think Olivia picked up the initial cold from play group and we've all been swapping it around. My mom is visiting from CT and has been on light nurse duty since she got here: cooking meals and handing out kleenex and tea.

Aaron passed his PMP certification exam the weekend before last and has already seen an increase in calls from recruiters, so fingers and toes crossed that the precarious financial situation will soon be behind us. We both lost about 10lbs of worry when he passed; I don't think either of us knew how stressful the worry was until it was gone. I had two job interviews last week -- one rude, one good, and haven't heard back about either. Oh well, onward.

Olivia may be only 17 months, but she is already a two year-old in some ways. The last few days she protests wearing any kind of clothes or shoes. Trying to get out the door involves a meltdown of some kind so you have to allow an extra 10 minutes for tears and tantrums. If it were warmer I might just allow her out in a diaper, but it's been unseasonably cold and since she's sick we have to go through the dressing tantrum.

Then, around dinner time, Olivia goes through her "seek-and-destroy" phase: about an hour long period where she is crabby and leaves a path of destruction in each room. Usually you can jolly her out of a bad mood, but not during seek-and-destroy; the only tools in the arsenal that seem to work are a bottle of milk and a dance to a happy tune.

On the plus side, with having my mom here and being sick I have been able to read actual books rather than periodicals. It's been nice brain food. Hard to remember that it can't subsist on junk food anymore than any other part.

Rise And Fall

I've gone from trying to get back to my old self to trying to just become someone I can live with. I don't think the old me is there any more. I don't think I am fated to remain this brittle has-been either, but neither do I want to be around her. Fortunately I live with a 17-month old elf who doesn't know her mom is seemingly unemployable. She's just the lady who dances with her on the patio.

I don't know how to position myself in this market, I don't know how to sell myself anymore and I am shocked at the disdain that HR is met with by hiring managers. Whatever confidence I bolstered myself with is gone. My hat is off to actors everywhere who audition week after week and keep at it. If I were younger and in this situation I'd have a couple more kids and move off the grid entirely. Cue banjo music and pictures of chickens and cows.

Deep Cleansing Breath

My friend Maurine has been trying to lead me in meditations to try to diperse the stress that is causing my shoulders to hover around my ears. She has her own stress and figured we could both get some good from reminding ourselves that this, too, shall pass. I say "trying" because getting 10 minutes of non-distracted time for the two of us to have a phone call has being something of high comedy: cue barking dogs, crying babies and ringing doorbells.

For me the stress root is something that Aaron and I have been struggling with for a while: how should one act when people around you (important people like bosses) are acting without integrity? On one hand you don't want to become one of their prey but neither do you want to become like them -- scared, self-serving, irrational. So right now it seems as though it's a choice between feeling like a chump or not being able to provide for your family. Deep breath.

We are watching a friend of a friend's dog for a week and, after one day, I already want to give it back. It's an elderly toy poodle, half-blind and domineering. It's an extra hassle during a week where I am not in a generous mood, with it's peeing on the carpet and chasing my dog into corners. Sadie looks up at me with her big brown eyes and makes a chuffing noise as if to say "Who needs this?" Breathe.

As I sit at the desk writing Olivia has taken to standing on a file box and leaping onto my back like a baby chimp, then swinging down and up on the box and my back again. (And I wonder why I have back spasms?) After repeatedly pulling my hair in the process, I stuck her in her playyard-- an affront she is not bearing well as the neighbors can attest. Deep breath.

And so it goes, breathe in, breathe out.

Long Time No Post

It was a bit hectic the past week. We drove to San Diego for Aaron's work and stopped off to visit some friends in the LA area on the way. It was really healing to be around old friends we both realized. It's a lot of pressure to put on a marriage to have a spouse fill all the roles: friend, provider, entertainer, etc.

We hadn't been to San Diego together since before we were married. Olivia and I hung out and explored during the day and then would pick up Aaron at the Mexican border each night. Olivia is less inclined to want to stay in the car these days so the trip overall was taxing as she fretted at being constrained. Once out of the car seat she was her happy self.

Yesterday, when we returned to Alameda, we went up to Glen Ellen to visit my friend Maurine. We went to a nearby outdoor pool where Olivia had a blast in the kiddie pool. She could enter and exit it herself so that was endless fun and when she got sticky from a Sno-Cone, back into the pool.

Feeling a bit adrift in Alameda. Olivia has been waking up around 4 each morning and I haven't been going back to sleep afterward. Too much time in my own head to worry and turn things over. By 4 in the afternoon I am out of patience and energy and there's another 3 hours or so before Olivia goes to bed. Those hours are frustrating for both of us and I wish I contained my temper more. I am having back spasm again from picking her up which doesn't help matters.

We started going to a play group a couple times a week at the Veteran's Center. It's a big room with a wood floor and tons of toys scattered about. The kids just have a ball running around and the parents sit around the room's perimeter checking their Blackberries. When we return home Olivia crashes hard. Reminds me of how the Dog Whisperer always says "exercise, discipline, affection -- in that order." There's wisdom in that.

Serenity

For the first time in a long time I am not bothered by how things are. We had a nice day today, just we three, going to the Farmer's market, running errands, watching The Daily Show. A sweet ordinariness without the usual longing for something else. Our little circle was good and the rest of the world is just going to have to fend for itself for a bit.

It is so difficult to turn off the "monkey mind" at times, all of the hopping thoughts and silly distractions. A few years ago I was hospitalized for about a week and during that time received last rites. Rather than being afraid I remember thinking something along the lines of "well I never expected to see this, how interesting!" And for months afterward I just couldn't get upset about stuff -- all the day-to-day annoyances of city life: commuting, work, people's vanity and ego trips, they just washed off of me. Months later, when I was my old self, annoyed at the pettiness, selfishness or unkindness of people, I longed for that space of gliding through life.

Because, really don't we all envy the sort of people who don't get hung up on what people think? (I don't mean sociopaths or narcissists or the crackhead homeless who used to crap in the dog park in Cole Valley, but those cuddly Deepak Chopra/Dalai Lama types or old guys like my great uncles who wore paisley, houndstooth and stripes in the same poly-blend outfit and just didn't care in the least if they resembled a test pattern, they knew who they were.)

Yoga is the only way I know to summon serenity and it seems silly, as I write this, to recognize I haven't practiced it since I left CT. How funny to have it available right there and then to decide to watch television! Though if there was a station with On-demand serenity, I am sure I would substitute.

We are at where we are at: nothing stable on the job front, no Lotto jackpot falling from the sky, no clues of whether we will provide our daughter a better circumstance than present. And that's the realization: there's a lot of sweetness, love and laughter in our little ship. It's not exactly smooth sailing yet but on days like today -- bright, blue, clear, there's just no point to do anything but raise a glass, sippy cup, dog bowl and drink to the view.

Big Sleep

The last two weeks or so every spare minute I have slept. I wasn't ill just -- assimilating. Needed the dream time more than a nap. My sleep debt had more to do with the mental refueling I was lacking.

So I am back from yonder. Have gotten very little done, as you can imagine, with all that sleeping. SO my consulting project is on hiatus, only a few job apps have been sent. But I bought a used bike and a kid's seat. Soon Olivia and I will be cruising Alameda, the wind in our faces. Already my feet have tan lines from the various sandals I wear. Feels like summer from my childhood in CT when the biggest thing on my daily agenda was determining high tide so I could plan my beach excursion.

I have been making a conscious effort to provide summer to my 16-month old daughter. Bought a watermelon and we ate it out on the patio, the two of us drippy and messy with watermelon juice. Ate summer corn from the Farmer's Market and ice cream from Tucker's. Went to the beach and let the waves catch our feet. Washed those same dirty feet before turning in to bed that night. Simple pleasures.

Can You Feel It?

The new era of digital TV? All that dusty analog gone forever...

There was a book that made the rounds a long time ago "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and It's All Small Stuff." It's true. If I stand back and look at our circumstance, the big-ticket items are covered. My family is healthy, we have a roof over our heads and enough food to warrant us needing to step up an exercise regimen.

Short of moving to some country that I am not even sure exists, I don't know how to reconcile all that I love about my country with all that I don't align with. Having a roof over the head, physical safety, and enough to eat puts me way ahead of a lot of the world.

Yet, all of the bouncing around and uncertainty of the past few years has had the effect of making me ungrateful. I took on a late Lent practice of giving something up for a month, which was complaining. Not going so well. I find myself having to rededicate to my commitment almost daily. So I think I picked exactly the right thing to give up, despite my poor track record. Clearly there's a lot of effort needed there.

We are going to look for a bicycle for me. There is a place in town that sells used bikes and provides training for youth on how to repair bikes. You can also volunteer time around the shop and eventually earn yourself a bike. Sounds like a cool program. With a bike and a kid's seat attached Olivia and I can do a lot of errands around town, as most of what I need is within 3 miles. Maybe help with the spare tire I am carrying too!

I found a Mom/kid playgroup that meets 2 times a week and a drop-in summer kid's swim class. I am really hoping to get out of the house and into a community of some kind. Olivia thrives around lots of people and doesn't get a lot of kid interaction, so hopefully we can get her the social time she, too, is looking for.

The Answer My Friend...

Been thinking a lot lately about the difference between optimism and magical thinking. Or if there even is a difference. You need optimism to move forward and yet when is the positive self-talk just self-delusion? After more than 2 years of quasi-employment, when am I committing something like fraud when I claim I would be a valuable addition to an organization? Is my opinion more important or is an employer's? Is the whole concept of worth just one big fiction? Are there skills and experiences that have innate worth or is it all just a matter of market forces?

I had a similar debate with myself when I tied to discern the difference between praying and just begging. We've probably all been in a place where we pleaded with some God to "please help" us. I finally came to the conclusion that what made one plea a perhaps sacred act, and the other just a vocal exercise, was the presence of faith. If you knew that there was actually a provider who'd salve your wounds or solve your problem, it was a prayer you were offering up.

With the daily pep talk I give myself I don't have a sense that there is any foundation to it. I feel like I am repeating nonsense sounds. The reassurances I get from people sound hollow: "it's just an awful economy", "something will come through", you've got "GREAT" skills". So why is it I routinely run up against people who are bad at their jobs, mean to customers, rude to candidates, inefficient and wrong-minded but yet they are employed in this bad economy? Why haven't they been replaced by those of us with "great skills"?

How do I tell myself I am a good Mom when I am not providing for my kid? If this situation doesn't turn around soon, who does she look to for an example?

Hello From The East Side

We are all moved in to our place in the East Bay now. Easy move because we have no furniture beyond a bed given us by some friends and a pack n' play for Olivia. So she has lots of space to zoom around in and it's fairly easy to keep the place neat.

We got real internet last night; we'd been on the equivalent of dial-up for the first few days. Ah, the memories of listening to that screeching static sound as the modem tried to connect!

We don't have a TV either which is a mixed blessing. On one hand I miss The Daily Show and The Dog Whisperer terribly. But, I have actually been getting some reading in at night when the kid has gone to sleep. And not just trashy supermarket magazine reading, but an honest-to-god book.

Thanks for the good wishes on the job interview. It was one of the stranger interviews I have been on. Had more of the flavor of SAT's than an interview. The interview panel never veered from their written script and did not ask any questions not on their card. So, needless to say, not an atmosphere where I felt I knocked it out of the park. Oh well, as my Dad often says "It's always nice to be asked to dance."

I made a real push to finish the consulting project I had before we moved because I was losing our babysitter with the move. Good thing I did -- because the notebook where I housed all my files related to the project got lost in the move. I have one last piece to do and I am going to have to go back to the client and ask for this information again. Oy.

Aaron and I noticed that we are both in better spirits now that we are out of the city and the tiny apartment. It's never fun living in someone else's space. Sadie is trying to get used to all the new noises and unsure of when she should bark, so barks at anything.

Even though we are still in precarious finances, we feel some of the weight off our shoulders. Rather than getting back to normal we are creating a new normal and learning to be content with that.

You're Back!

Due to some bug all my followers disappeared from view. Apparently it's a common issue, but it made me wonder if I was talking to myself. But now I can see you again, so hello!

We are moving this week, taking it slowly because we don't have to be out of our current place by a certain time and, drum roll please, I have a job interview this week! My first one since we've been back in CA. I am curious about this position, it's with the state and the job description was so vague it could have been for anything. Wish me well, ok?

The new apartment is in the East Bay and no closer to Aaron's job but a reasonable commute to most places in the Bay Area. We are going to test-drive the area with a 6 month lease. We will have more leg room in the new place and green areas to run the dog. We are still tentative at putting down roots as Aaron's job is a contract position and we aren't committed to being in CA really, we just want to each have full-time jobs -- wherever that may be.

However, we are in beautiful San Francisco (when it's sunny) and yesterday was a perfect juxtaposition of two massive influxes of people to this city. One was Bay to Breakers, one of the biggest road races anywhere, with colorful costumes, clothing optional runners and music throughout the city. San Francisco at it's quirkiest best. Also the start of a giant convention: the American Psychiatric Association. We spoke with a couple of attendees who were wondering "what the heck is with all the costumes? Is it some kind of parade?" No, not exactly...

Patience is a Virtue

I once read the reward of patience is patience, which is in short supply these days. Had a day where few things went right following a couple of days of the same and kept looking for the "reset" button.

We've run into a SNAFU with the apartment we were meant to move into THIS WEEKEND. Forget that it really requires a car to live there, forget that we have no furniture of any kind to put in it, forget that the reviews on Yelp! were apprehensive-making concerning the management company's squirrely-ness. What nearly scuttled us was more insidious: because I foreclosed on my condo I am now a credit risk and they were demanding a much larger deposit than we had initially put down a month ago.

Now I know when 1 out of 9 homes in the US is in foreclosure, I am in good company credit-wise. This seemed a weird time for a management company to attempt to squeeze potential tenants. We looked at some other places and even put in an application at a few, but we will probably go with the crappy management place because it is a short-term lease and we will just have to suck it up for a while.

For the first time in my dog's 7-year life I seriously considered giving her up. We are having such difficulty finding a place that takes dogs and she seems really unhappy and anxious despite medication. She deserves better than me yelling at her all the time -- she is an absolute loyal sweetheart of a dog. (Ok, she could stop the counter surfing, but otherwise she is really the best dog.)

I miss the pressure valve of yoga. We literally don't have the 3 square feet it would take for me to do it, not to mention the lack of quiet. I am ready for a big fat miracle. I don't want to have to squint my eyes and tilt my head to see it either -- just a clear, positive uptick to our circumstance.

One happy thing this week: I got a Mother's Day card that plays the jazzy piano piece from Peanuts. Whenever Olivia hears it she gets a pie-eating grin on her face and starts dancing around, flopping her head from side to side just like the cartoon kids. It's a hoot!

Ah so!

I have been trying to figure out the source of my deep fatigue and general somberness of late. When I finally recognized it I felt somewhat stupid: grief. I am finally grieving all the losses: two long-term friendships, my grandmother, our condo, our savings, Aaron's job, nearby family, work that I am good at, the dream of a house of our own, time to read, having a car to use, 8 hours of sleep per night. The list goes on, from the important to the petty.

What brought it to the fore was a comment from Father Tom. As we were helping him move last weekend to his new digs, someone again commented on how well he was handling cancer, his impending surgery and the end of his career. He said "I am doing what I would advise any of my parishioners to do under these circumstances: grieving." And there I recognized a kindred spirit.

Everything I have read about grief supports that it is not linear, there is no time line to be done with it. Heck, I've taught many workshops on working through adverse change! I find myself coping in ways I don't recommend --like self medicating with cheese croissants or dumb TV. Yet I am reminded of that James Barrie quote "Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Get Yourself Some Protection

Talking about time, that is. Trying to work from home while preventing the 14 month-old from climbing the bookcases means no paying work has gotten done. I know the adage "you need to spend money to make money" but you need to have money in order to spend money to get protected time to work.

Take The Weather With You

This week we had unseasonably warm temperatures in the Bay Area until last night. More importantly, we had a few warm evenings. What a complete treat to walk outside with the family without need of a jacket! Does wonders for the mental attitude.

I've been reading about Just-in-time vs Just-in-case planning. The argument is that Just-in-case planning leads to excess and unhappiness, while Just-in-time planning is an act of faith that leads to abundance. I haven't figured out how it is any different from being the grasshopper in the old fable, but apparently the ants were just being cynical.

Still plugging away at the job search, one foot in front of the other.

One Door Closes

We got some sad news this week: Father Tom, the wonderful priest who married us and baptized Olivia, is retiring abruptly. He has thyroid cancer and will have his voice box removed at the end of the month, ending his career.

I missed my San Francisco church deeply when I was in CT and was thrilled that Olivia could have her christening performed by Father Tom. I really couldn't see it happening anywhere else. And without Father Tom I never would have gotten married in a Catholic church; it would have been too out of alignment for us.

Our little church is stressing hard about this news. We are a unique community, one that is not easily duplicated. We will be dwelling in ambiguity for a few months as a new priest will not arrive on a permanent basis until July.

The interesting thing in all this is noting Father Tom's response to his situation. He is showing a remarkable calm and grace. His homily today was replaced by his very cogent, unselfpitying yet funny, breaking of the news. Since it was the second week of Easter he ran around later in the service sprinkling us with water, wearing a joyful cheeky smile. We all commented amongst ourselves that, if any of us confronts a similar fate, we don't believe we'd do so with his equanimity. I have come unglued with less harsh news. I feel very fortunate to have his thoughtful, heartful example.

The Things They Left Behind

It's been interesting to note, out of everything we have in storage, what I actually miss. Our toaster for one. As one who self medicates with tea and toast, life without toast is grim indeed. I also miss my label maker, a serrated knife, and a particular jar opener that I used regularly.

It would be nice to have use of our other stuff: the furniture and books, Olivia's toys and our pillows, but I don't miss them as acutely.

Sprung

Easter is my favorite holiday and yesterday was a sweet day. I realized last night that I had not bitten the ears off a chocolate bunny, but no matter. Olivia got to see an egg hunt (she was too small to really participate -- but watch out next year!)and we went to a tea house afterward with some friends. Sunny and warm day, Sadie got to frolic, all-in-all a nice outing.

Today the babysitter couldn't make it -- again. I've had a project that I haven't been able to start yet for lack of protected time and I am getting anxious. It seems that with time it's always a case of robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Thank you to all the folks who have sent messages of encouragement. Our little ship has not completely foundered, we've been employing some dead reckoning these last months and stayed buoyed by your shout outs from the ether.

Are you there calm? It's me, Justine

My hat's off to mothers everywhere; it's amazing to me that the human race has continued this long. After my 15 hours of travel with a 13 month old (just to get across the country! I didn't even go to Asia!) I was ready to give myself cement shoes and jump off a pier. Olivia fussed and hollered for our entire two-hour layover in Atlanta and slept about 40 minutes the whole day. Got to SFO where, thank God, Aaron was waiting with a luggage cart, went to San Mateo to pick up our dog, and arrived home to an apartment with no milk or bread or supper items. Promptly turned into Medusa.

Today was the usual catch-up from having been away for 8 days: laundry, grocery shopping, returning calls, etc. In the midst of this, I noticed the Medusa head reappearing. About 10 years ago I first noticed this same phenomenon in several of my friends after they had married and had children. They went from being funny, relaxed, generous women to brittle and angry harpies. I have joined this club and have no better idea of how to handle it then when I was on the outside looking in.

The economy seems to be am all-purpose scapegoat for all that is not going well, a catch-all explanation for the slipping of niceties, a barometer of the times. But I have this nagging suspicion that the economy has nothing to do with why my job search is going so poorly, why I feel like it is all out of control, why I worry and fret and break so often.

I once read that timely retreat is one of the skills of the warrior, yet I have no idea how to withdraw: there are too many battle fronts and no eye of the storm to gather my thoughts.

This week away was spent in CT with my lovely family. While I was there I visited the storage locker where all our things are stored. Opening the door to it I was struck with a wave of sadness: here was the physical embodiment of our circumstance. Everything boxed up, waiting for use. We don't have a place for our things to go and can't afford to send it to ourselves anyway. So they sit in limbo too. I gathered up some shoes and clothes to mail to CA and instantly second guessed myself. Do I really need work clothes? Should I see what it would cost to ship Olivia’s crib? What about the iron, toaster and vacuum cleaner? We’ll need those in a new place and I hate to repurchase them.

While Olivia and I were away Aaron was back in SF working and getting our taxes done (still!). We have had a few appointments with our accountant and it gets worse every time we talk to them. Unemployment from CA is taxable in CT. The foreclosure amount is taxable. And on it went. Our conversations with each other were low energy and regularly cut off by the call dropping or some local exigency.

My Dad turned 70 last week, which was the impetus for the trip, and my step-mom had a very nice dinner celebration for him. Olivia was the cutest thing you ever saw in her turquoise party dress. She chatted it up with about half the restaurant and made special friends with the owner. Everyone commented on what a happy kid she is.

That night and throughout the week I felt harried and underslept. I wasn't the patient mom I would like to be or the loving daughter, sister, niece. I was the same humorless, tired, joyless and impatient person I am in San Francisco and who I occasionally see in my daughter's eyes. She still gestures to me to pick her up. And I do, and we hug, and I try again.

Repurposed

I think the British term for being laid off is more fitting than ours, theirs is "made redundant." That's just how I feel. There are more jobs here in San Francisco to apply for and yet, even for ones that I am eminently qualified for, I can't secure an interview. So I send resumes into the ether and what I get back is -- nothing.

Not sure what is worse: nowhere to put your energies, or expending them hopelessly.

In the meanwhile things creep along at their petty pace: walk the dog, feed and change the kid, figure out something for supper. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Seriously?

It's a double case of "the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Saturday Olivia and I went to the St. Patrick's Day parade, which was literally up the block and had woken us with bagpipes. In a "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" bleary-eyed spirit we toddled through the spitting rain to Market Street to watch the festivities.

We were greeted by a motley assortment of end-of-parade marchers -- a number of whom had Sinn Fein banners. (I nearly typed "bastards" instead of "banners", oops.) I was bummed to see, in light of the recent IRA bombings in Northern Ireland, that local folks would care to export that nonsense here.

Yesterday we all (Sadie included)went to look at an apartment to rent that actually met all our criteria: reasonable rent, month-to-month, clean, quiet, furnished, takes dogs, has laundry, an elevator -- oh and reasonable rent. It just happened to be the very same apartment building where Aaron crashed when he first moved to San Francisco in 2005. He slept on our friend's couch there for a few months and was staying there when I first met him.

The landlady was trying to get us to be flexible about which of several units we might take, but I was only interested in one of them. Then Olivia reached up to the landlady and gave her a hug, which seemed to seal the deal. So we will see if we end up as T.S. Eliot wrote and: "the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

Plus Ça Change...

Olivia got her 1st computer today. She is fascinated with all things electronic and we figured the only way to keep her off the computers that we were working on was to provide the mother of all diversions. Apparently it does some cool stuff, no one has read the instructions yet.

We spent the day in Alameda -- where some friends are buying a condo. I hadn't been there for a few years, when I'd once taken Sadie to a dog run in a nice park with some water to dip her paws in. We went to this same park and Sadie did exactly as she did last time: zilch. Stood staring around a bit then found a dust patch to lie in. SO glad we drove all this way to provide this particular experience.

In some way being here is as if I just hit fast forward on the tape. Like when you skip a few episodes of a series and for a few minutes you're saying to yourself "Wait, she's married? Where'd the kid come from? Ok, apparently she must be doing a different kind of work than before." But pretty much you can find the plot.

So I keep expecting that I will catch up with this plot and that there are more intervals of happiness, or calm, or whatever it is that makes for boring TV shows but satisfying lives, soon to come.

Limbo

Still betwixt and between. The economic predictions are dire, the job market grim. But we are out of the snow, into the rain, and Aaron's commute is much more manageable now. Hard to know yet if the trade off of one coast for another is or will be worth it. So for the meanwhile, it's hunker down mode.

Olivia has been sick the last few days: vomiting and diarrhea. She lost 1lb, which to me seems a lot, but apparently is not worrisome to the pediatrician. So we are still in a massive sleep debt which means we are not taking much advantage of our location.

I am still doing some coordinating for PAX Programs in the New York area which means I need to talk to people on East Coast time. I find myself not knowing how to articulate my place. For example: I don't know whether to say "Oh good, WE need the rain" or "Oh good, California needs the rain." People have asked me if I am a local and I short-circuit. I keep telling myself that it is early days yet but the pressure has not let up.

We had our taxes done and something about the black-and-whiteness of the reversal of fortune was really stunning. And yet we still owed. WTF?! What in God's name do you have to do to get a refund these days? Foreclosure wasn't enough? Should change my name to Citibank.

Room With A View

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
T. S. Eliot

I have been trying to make sense of the persistent feelings of doubt and hesitation that have settled over me. I think it has something to do with the view. Literally.

The place where we are staying is downtown, a block off Market St and so near any number of places where I have worked over the years. I can look out of the living room window and see Charles Schwab, where I temped for ages after returning from Africa, and met my friends Jeremy and Maureen. Or Citibank, where I got my start in corporate training. Right below is The Palace Hotel where I used to go after work for Asian Martinis (sake instead of gin, ginger instead of an olive, divine!) Around the corner is the W Hotel, which in the Dot Com heyday was a hip watering hole.

Now it feels like a ghost town. Partly because, like all cities, the hip spots change and get defined by a new generation of people. Partly because I am in a job search and I have the edifices of old employers staring at me. And, with the economy in the dumps, the restaurants and bars are not stuffed to capacity. The Dolce Vita crowd are something of a palimpsest.

Olliepop Turned 1!

We can't quite wrap our heads around it, but our little girl turned one years old today. I took her to church this morning and Father Tom sang her Happy Birthday and instructed the congregation to make a big fuss over her, which they did.

It has been raining hard today so we had an indoor celebration. We gave Olivia a toy purse of her own, with toy keys, cellphone and coin purse for her to unpack instead of mine. We'll see if the diversion actually works. Yesterday we had gotten some fancy cupcakes and today we took them with us to Mel's diner, where the birthday girl got a red balloon from the staff. She again covered herself with chocolate frosting -- as any birthday celebrant worth their salt ought.

Our week of celebrating is over: Wedding, Valentine's Day, baptism, our wedding anniversary and Olivia's birthday. Tomorrow we return to the daily grind, but for today we bask in thankfulness for our daughter and her goofy smiling presence in our topsy-turvy lives.

Sleeeeep Little One, Sleep!

There are times when I marvel at the contortions I go through to avoid waking Olivia. Like just now. The no-nap monster finally went down for her first nap around 1:15. I'd walked her all over the neighborhood to get her to pass out. Parked her in her stroller in the kitchen fast asleep so that I could jump online and complete a job application that I knew would take 45 minutes or so. (State job, lengthy application.)

Around 3:15, she is thankfully still asleep but I haven't eaten today and I am ravenous. Kid is parked in the tiny kitchen between the fridge and the utensil drawer. I try to roll her out but she startles. I manage to get the peanut butter jar and loaf of bread without waking her, but when I reach for a butter knife she wakes up suddenly and looks at me accusingly. Busted! I actually RUN on tiptoe out of her sight and make a sandwich on the bed using a kleenex as a plate.

Peanut butter is all over the keyboard and I get kicked out of the job application website twice. The system also seriously messes with the formatting on my resume and supplemental questions responses. I want to explain to this potential employer "Do you have any idea of what I am going through just trying to even get my resume to you? My kid is going to WAKE UP any minute!"

Finally I capitulate and look up a place to buy Olivia's birthday cupcakes. It's Friday, it's late and another computer crash is going to send me over the edge.

Hillbilly No More

No, it's not the chi-chi borrowed apartment in SF's Museum District that we are staying in. It's not the purchase of Bittersweet's tiny $4 cup of spicy hot chocolate that tells me so. It's the $615 repair of the two black teeth. They are now shiny pearls and we only have the finances of hillbillies, if not the appearance.

Though, I have to say, when I walk around this area pushing Olivia in her stroller with Sadie in tow, people seem to think I am the nanny rather than the family's heart. Maybe it's the serviceable jeans and pony-tailed hair that makes me seem like not of this 'hood, I don't know.

I haven't been able to explore much as Sadie, the ADD High Anxiety dog, still cannot be left alone in the apartment. I have quickly learned all the downtown areas that are off-limits to dogs. (Anywhere with grass.) Nor can I leave her tied up to a parking meter -- as I used to be able to do -- to dash into a store. She barks her fool head off the whole time I am out of sight. "Nooooo! Don't leave me!"

We have to park our car in a garage that is 4 long midtown-length blocks away from the apartment. So if I go grocery shopping, as I did today, it's a schlep. I also had Olivia, her diaper bag and Sadie with me and the 3 bags of groceries. As I struggled out of the elevator garage, the very nice building doorman offered to help by sitting with Sadie while I dropped off Olivia and some bags with Aaron and trekked back for the second load. I arrived home with sore muscles and heel blisters. And, when I really looked at what I bought, not much for dinner.

Olivia is back to her wiggly, waving, giggly, exploring self. The fever has passed and I expect we will see some new teeth sprouted soon. Today I took her and Sadie to Ft Funston, a place that is very special to me, to let Sadie romp off-leash and sniff the salt air. It was sunny and 60 degrees, a nice change from the days of rain.

We are still feeling pulled in too many directions. We have a mondo To-Do list and little of it has been checked off. Yesterday was trashed after Aaron and I both spent a good part of the day trying to sort out our health/dental insurance once and for all. Hah, good one! It's still as messed up as ever. As a former HR person, I haven't the slightest clue why this has been so difficult to make right. There's nothing about it that is rocket science.

Most of current events news has passed me right by lately. I hear murmurs about the latest stimulus package but not enough to know if it will eventually help me land a decent job. It seems that it will halt the bleeding but won't bear any fruit for a long time. We don't have much time to find a safe port for our little ship.

Life's In A Full Court Press

We got to San Francisco on Thursday and have been headless chickens ever since.

Friday: threw our stuff into a borrowed apartment and had keys made for 2 other apartments we'd need to access. Had lunch with Jack, babysat his son Marco that night.

Saturday: dropped Sadie off across town prior to wedding downtown. Dropped Olivia off for babysitting by Jack & Patrice in a third, and inconvenient, part of town.

That night, dressed up in our glad rags, attended the really lovely, moving and fun wedding of John & Keith in the penthouse of the Fairmont Hotel in Nob Hill. Back to Jack & Patrice's to pick up kid. Crash in Cole Valley where we have warehoused the not-to-be-left-alone Sadie at a friend's house.

Sunday: walk Sadie and her buddy Rio in some really godawful rain. Olivia wakes up with a sticky, wet cough and runny eyes and nose in time for her christening at 1PM. Drive south of the city to Brisbane to pick up Mike, Olivia's new and dear godfather. Baptism by Father Tom, who had married us in the same church 2 years ago, was terrific. Got to use the Holy Water we had purchased on our honeymoon in Jordan. Lunch afterwards at the Beach Chalet.

That night Olivia wakes up every 10 or so minutes thrashing and in tears. Her hands and feet burning, her face splotched red. Strip her down to her diaper, pat her with cold cloths and rock her all night.

Monday: realize it is a holiday and we have no obligations. Have lunch with LA-living Jon, who is still in town from the baptism. Finally buy a proper raincoat since apparently this wet weather is not letting up. Return to downtown borrowed apartment. Olivia has duplicate unrestful, miserable night.

Today: 2 year wedding anniversary! Aaron staggers the 30 miles north to work in Petaluma. We are so tired and behind on everything we vacillate between doing nothing and celebrating somehow. Olivia was still sick and feverish all day and I was not sure whether we should go out or not. But we went to a favorite Vietnamese restaurant and then shopped for much-needed groceries on the way home. After some Tylenol, Olivia noticeably improved. I don't know if there is anything more heart-rending than your kid being sick. Hopefully tomorrow brings an uptick in our collective circumstance. Aaron brought me a lovely bunch of flowers this evening and we exchanged cards, marvelling at all the life events that have been squeezed into the span of our marriage.

We are trying to move our little ship forward and feeling as though we are in a whirlwind. At different points in the last few days both Aaron and I have confessed to feeling overwhelmed. And yet there doesn't seem to be anything that we can slack on -- it all has to get done and done now: keep Olivia alive another day, keep Sadie from decompensating, find a place to live, find work, get the goddamned health insurance sorted out once and for all, stay connected to each other when we are both exhausted and overwhelmed.

I know earlier generations confronted this circumstance and got through it, and that countless immigrants live our experience every day, yet I am confounded as to how to navigate all the pressing have-tos without succoming to hopelessness or bitterness. I find I am angry often and forgetful, neither of which are characteristic of me.

My Auntie Donna called today to wish us a Happy Anniversary and I was so happy to hear from the CT clan. There was already too much to communicate.

Wild West

It was interesting to note in our drive from El Paso to Phoenix yesterday, the cultural shift that occurred somewhere during New Mexico. The politeness stopped, as did the friendliness and biscuits with gravy. We weren't in the south anymore, we were in the west, with bad drivers and heavy traffic and strip malls wherever you look.

During the drive across Highway 10 there were occasional signs that said "Dust Storms May Exist Next 15 Miles." We kept giggling that someone should put a sign next to it that said "BELIEVE." Very X-Files. There was a gorgeous sunset that night along with a big fat moon that lit up the desert.

As we passed the New Mexico border we had to stop at Border Patrol. I had gone through this kind of check point at other times in CA, when I had driven across country before, and knew that you were not allowed to bring any fruit or plants into the state. As we pulled up to the patrolman I rolled down the window and was about to tell him that we weren't transporting any fruit. Turns out he wanted to know if we were US citizens! Whoops. And no, sir we aren't transporting any illegal aliens either.

We arrived in Corona, CA last night and stayed at our good friend Jon's house. We got in at a decent hour so we could actually visit and have dinner with him. We were so tired I don't know that we were very good company, but we were happy to veg on his couch and watch Family Guy. He has some pictures of Olivia on his fridge from a few months ago and it was amazing to see how much she has changed.

Olivia got to sleep on a water bed, her first, and seemed to sleep sounder than usual. I wondered if it was like being back in the womb for her: "Oh, I recognize this!"

Sadie finished a bag of trail mix last night, along with some corn nuts, and the remainder of an apple bran muffin today. At least her diet has variety to it.

Twice today Brigit directed us to non-existent shops. She had recovered herself in Texas and seemed to be doing OK, but we are worried about her again. She seems to be a bit of a hothouse flower.

Today we drove to Long Beach and had lunch with our friend Rosemary. She had recently had hip replacement surgery and is unable to attend Olivia's christening this weekend as she'd hoped. She did a lovely non-denominational blessing for Olivia and gave her a sweet necklace and will certainly be with us in spirit on Sunday.

It took us 2 and 1/2 hours to get through LA with the traffic. We are finally headed to SF now and won't be getting in until very late tonight. We look forward to unpacking the car one last time for a good while.