So much for insight

It doesn't matter what I know, or what I want, because it doesn't seem to inform my behavior. Today I lost it all over Olivia, just screamed at her until I was hoarse, and hated myself at the time and afterward. Then a few moments later I yelled at her again, and again moments later, almost without interval until I finally locked her in her room so I could do laundry on the third floor and put myself in a time out.

I don't know what's more stupid -- yelling at a toddler or trying to reason with her. Neither works; she does what she does, and I react as I do, and some days I have patience and this week I don't. I haven't slept more than 3 hours at a stretch in months and my whole body hurts all the time.

This whole week she hasn't napped more than 15 minutes. The two hour midday nap is when I can count on getting stuff done. And none of it happened. I didn't get to the consulting work I needed, I didn't get to a lot of errands, and the house is so messy I get no pleasure from being inside it.

I made a point of setting up visits with friends this week while Aaron is away and I have use of the car. I knew I would need grown-up interaction. As much as I did enjoy seeing 3 different girlfriends who I haven't seen in ages, I feel like I paid mightily for it. In trying to work around Olivia's nap time, I ended up encroaching on it. So, instead of sleeping at home, she cat napped in the car and walked in the door ready to tear the place up.

Whether it's because Aaron is away or because the house is not peaceful, Sadie came to pieces this week. Every time we tried to leave the house without her she would start to tremble so hard she could hardly stand. Then after I shut the door she would howl to the rafters. Since I don't want to get kicked out of our apartment, I ended up taking her with us all week and letting her howl in the car. Finally, yesterday I called the vet and we upped Sadie's anti-anxiety medication, which hopefully will take effect in a few days. Until then I guess we are just Crazy House.

Whatever the salve is for this state, I have no idea what it is.