Collective Mood

I started doing Eucharistic Ministry -- bringing communion to patients at UCSF Hospital -- about 9 years ago. Something I noticed early on is that there tends to be a collective mood amongst the patients most days. Maybe they are cranky or asleep or gracious, but there tends to be a unifying mood. Today the patients were just lovely --kind and acknowledging. It gave me such a boost to be there.

One of the cancer patients was accompanied by her husband who was sleeping on a cot next to her. As this patient and I prayed together I thought about the time I was in the hospital with my husband sleeping beside me. But that was while awaiting the birth of our daughter. The contrast in circumstance nearly made me cry. I am so grateful that my family and I are healthy. And yeah, I don't have health insurance but right now, thankfully, I don't need it.

Yesterday Olivia and I went to a friend's house who was having a few folks over for a late lunch. The other women were a few years older, unmarried, no children. I didn't have a whole lot too talk about. Generally I don't notice those sorts of markers, but I felt like the odd woman out which was weird.

A few months ago I noticed that I don't make eye contact, I rarely finish my sentences and I slouch. I've no idea how long these behaviors have been going on, but I know they weren't always part of my repertoire. The party yesterday made me wonder if the reason I have almost no friends any longer is because I am communicating "look elsewhere". Ditto my job search. Something for me to noodle on.